Driving Is Dangerous...Especially in Lakes

Mind Two:

As you know, my childhood was not nearly as wild as it should have been. To make up for it, I would like to tell you a few stories about my dad's childhood. (He doesn't know about this and if he finds out will probably hate me forever.)

When my dad was little, he had a best friend, which I will be calling Bob (I know, your amazed at my creative naming skills). Bob and my dad have been best friends since grade school and will probably be the old guys in the nursing home racing wheelchairs and trying to escape and having many other old people shenanigans.  My dad and Bob were, at one point, teenage boys. And teenage boys tend to get in trouble and do stupid things that turn their parent's hair gray. Bob and my dad were no different.  They are now banned from being near each other and a boat at the same time for a couple different reasons.

Reason # 1
Bob and my dad liked to fish. Loved to fish. On a nice, stormy day, they decided to go fishing. I know, brilliant they were. Well, long story short, the waves got so big it sunk the boat. Also, they only had one life jacket with them. And then, they had to walk the God-knows-how-many miles back to camp. 

Reason # 2
Bob had just recently gotten married. My dad was either unmarried or married to his first wife at the time. Either way, he was never home much. Bob's wife, let's call her Amy, had just gotten a new car. It was an actual new car, not a new-to-you one. My dad came over one day and Bob was all excited about a fore-mentioned car. My dad wanted to go fishing. Bob then suggested instead of taking the old pick-up, let's take the new, shiny car! (Now at this point in the story my dad says he tried to talk him out of it, but there is no stopping guys with a new car). They decided to drive to the nearest lake, and fish for the day. Well, since it was early spring, there was a lot of mud left. A. Lot. Bob and dad tried to drive all the way into the lake, but got the car stuck. My dad decided to get out and push, while Bob sat there and put his foot on the gas. After about 5 minutes of unsuccessful trying, my dad turned his head to yell for more acceleration. And there was Bob. Right beside my dad. Pushing on the car. And no one was steering. My dad calmly looks at Bob and screams "Who the hell is driving?!?!" Bob then says "Don't worry, I put a sho-" and then the car takes off. What Bob had been trying to say was "I put a shotgun on the gas pedal". Bob, not wanting to lose his wife's brand new car, took off after it and promptly face-planted into the mud. He jumped up, started running, and face-planted again. The next time, he made it up and continued running. The amazing part of this story is that he actually caught the car. When they got the car back into town, they spent about $20 at the car wash trying to get all the mud off. When they got home, Amy immediately walked in the house screamed "What did you do to my car?!?!" That is where my dad exited and let Bob take all the blame. (Apparently they had left a piece of sagebrush under the fender)

Reason # 3
Amy's parents anniversary was coming up. It was a big one, like their 25th or 50th. Amy agreed to help out with the planning of the party. During this period of time, Bob worked nights at some big corporation and never made it home till morning, when he went to bed. Amy left really early to go help with the party every morning. One morning, as Bob was coming in and Amy was leaving, my dad showed up. He asked Bob if he wanted to go fishing. Bob, of course, agreed. The catch was Bob had to be back by 5 for the anniversary party. They figured they had plenty of time. They put on waders and grabbed fishing gear and headed out. They lost track of time, as usual, and my dad kicked Bob out of the vehicle as he drove past the party. Bob was still wearing his waders, which happened to be about 20 sizes too big. So he ended up meeting most of Amy's family for the first time wearing too-big waders and smelling like fish.

This is why they got banned from boating together ever again.

Mind one:

I'm not allowed to do anything fun. Supposedly I'm "accident prone", whatever, I've never done anything that required stitches, and I've only fractured one bone. Thats not bad.

What the hell!!!

Mind one..

Why is there a random blank post on here?

Mind Two:

I was thinking the same thing...I figured it was you starting something and then forgetting what you were going to write

Mind one...

Screw it. I probably had an idea, lets just play this off. We'll talk about random things. It'll be like texting but...blog style.

Mind Two:
Sounds cool. Well since this is texting I am depressed because I just read the page views and it was 1260 aned im pretty sure it was the same number we had a few days ago:(

MindTwo:
Panick attack over. There are now 1293. I am happy again:) By the way, i found the about us page aaannnndddd figured out how to edit it!

Mind one:

I was also depressed, so I went and got abusive on facebook to make people read this. And I'm so proud of youuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!

Mind Two:

Awww thanks!! And now, to show my gratitude, a picture for you.

Sadly, my day requires pants.

Mind Two:

I hate those days where as soon as you get up, you have this immediate feeling of dread because you know you have to put on pants. Just me? Well I still think pants are ridiculous. They aren't even that comfortable. Sure, they are considered casual, but not as casual as sweats. I would wear sweats every day of the week if my brother would stop telling me I looked like a homeless grandma the minute I put them on.

There are only two great things about jeans. First, they make you look fantastic. Have you ever heard of someone checking out a girl in sweats? No. It doesn't happen. Second, I can't think of another reason. They still pretty much suck.

And what about shorts? Those things are amazing. Way more comfortable than pants and they make most people look better. Shorts are pants made awesome. It's like all of the greatness of pants made simpler. I think everyone should start wearing shorts, even when it's cold. Maybe then Mother Nature would get the message that we don't want it to be cold and start making it summer all year long. Then school would get cancelled and students everywhere would rejoice. There is no downfall to this.

Mind one:

Screw pants!!!! Whoooooo!!! NO MAS PANTELONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would be so excited if we didn't have to wear pants. I mean, I love my Wranglers to death, and they make my butt look great!!! Moving past that. I don't have a brother to tell me I look like a homeless grandma, I do however have a Step boyfriend that tells me I look like hobo hooker. So it's a great compromise. But come on people, lets start a revolution!! Pants off rebels!

Its true that jeans do nice things for your rear, but if we had horizontal butt-cheeks, this would be a moot point. BECAUSE HOW THE HELL WOULD PANTS FIT THEN!!!! Yet another reason I should be in charge.

Shorts are great, they show off your legs, and make you look like beach girl barbie. Plus you get a tan, whats to not like? I wear shorts all the time.

What about tights? They give you the coverage of tights, but you can basically feel totally naked. Freakin awesome!!! I wear tights and a long t-shirt, and feel completely free, yet, I'm completely covered. Yoga pants are the same way, you feel naked, but your not!!! (Mind Two adding here. Yoga pants are seriously my favorite things ever. They are super comfy, but let me warn you guys, don't be fooled just because they look like sweats. Yoga pants are like a Wonder Bra for your ass.)

Mother nature needs some Midol, a heating pad, and a cold margarita, then maybe she would make it summer all year long. There is no downfall at all, it's the answer to every ones problems. Except, lets make it snow somewhere random, like Haiti, or South Africa. Just screw with the world.

Sharon Osbourn is a lesbian

Mind Two:

So I was watching America's Got Talent last night and all of a sudden these GORGEOUS guys came on. They were all ripped and taking their clothes off and I was drooling just a little bit. It was so great. Their dance was a little lame, but seriously, they were great. And then the lovely judges started voting. And the first dude said yes. And the second dude said no. And it was all up to Sharon. And guess what she said. NO. Not even considering it, just no. And that hit me like a slap in the face. So I came up with a theory. Sharon Osbourn is a lesbian.

How could she have passed on those guys?? They were McStuds! Like freaking gorgeous models. Like I'm pretty sure every straight girl in America and other foreign countries that get that channel (do foreign countries get our TV channels?) cried their eyes out. And a dew of them had to have awkward conversations with their hubbies why they were crying. Way to go Sharon. (Maybe that last part was a little exaggerated). But seriously, everything they lacked in talent, they made up for in looks. So why she would pass on that, I have absolutely no idea.

Mind one.

I saw this episode!! She's insane!! They were in fact, very attractive. Maybe she's just mad cause Ozzy is old, and ugly, and probably never had a six pack. Or a one pack for that matter. He seems like a keg type. But still, she shouldn't take out her frustrations at her husbands lack of sexiness on those boys. Men. Men-children. Whatever they were. They are not to blame for Ozzy's complete lack of appeal. I think that she should have her judging rights revoked

Sharon Osbourn is a certified lesbian in my world now. How could you do that to us Sharon? How? Are you so angry at the world that you just reject every girl and woman in America's wishes? I hate you. One, because you did this...this...horrific thing. Two, you can dye your hair a funky red color and it doesn't ever fade, I dye mine a normal red and it fades like the smile on a Jew's face in Auschwitz. Sorry. That was racist. It fades like the snow in July. That makes less sense, but its less offensive. Unless your a penguin. I can never win. I'll just give up...

LADY BITS!!!

Mind one.
I have a friend, who used to go to school with me, but sadly now lives in Idaho. (Yes. Boo to boise state. Boo indeed.) Her name, is troll. Not literally, but for all intents and purposes, yes, troll. Troll has a couple of dogs, named Chewwie, and Jackson. Now I spend weeks at a time over at Troll's house, and honestly I've been adopted into the troll family, its great. Being around them brings out the free spirit in me, and causes any sort of brain/mouth filter I have, which isn't much, to disappear completely.

Anyways, one day I was standing in the kitchen making Troll breakfast. Troll is minorly retarded in the cooking area, and can really only make ceral, top ramen, cold sandwiches, and microwave popcorn. So I was cooking her bacon, and her boyfriend was making french toast, we're a great team. Her dogs were running around like crazy, but they always do that. All of the sudden, in the middle of flipping the bacon. I feel this...sensation.

Her dog. Has totally shoved its nose up my crotch. Like, up my shorts and into the danger zone. It was. Aweful.

I promptly threw the spatula across the kitchen, nailed Mr. Troll in the face with a flying fist, and leaped across the room screaming. "YOU DOG JUST STUCK HIS NOSE IN MY LADY BITS!!!"

Why I said lady bits, I'm not even sure. It's something that I made up on the spot, and it just busted out of my mouth. I was scared, like completely terrified. I didn't know what happened, but from now on, I use lady bits all the time. As does troll.
Mind Two:

I remember troll!! (That is Mind One's name for her and I feel weird calling her that so from now on she will just be 'her') I went to school with her for a short period of time and unlike Mind One, we are not very close but I still think she is hilarious. Funny story time!

When we went to school together in 8th grade, I think. I, being the nerd that I am, was in this club called academic bowl. You basically go to all these schools and answer a lot of questions and whoever answers the most right gets a trophy!! (The trophy is alright and you get to add stuff to it every time). Well, when her moved here, she did not join academic bowl but my friends and I told her all about it. After hearing what it was about, she took to calling it nerd bowl. She even signed my year book "have fun in nerd bowl" or something along those lines.

Another classic 'her' story. At the end of 8th grade, instead of having a graduation, we got to go ice skating. It was really fun. We were playing tag, and 'her' was skating away. Well, she turned to look over her shoulder and didn't see the wall coming up. She smacked into the glass and slid down it. It was like a scene from a movie, it was perfect. It was also really funny so everyone started laughing really hard.

Buttcheeks. They go up and down for a reason

Mind one!!! Question number two...
What if butt cheeks were separated horizontally? If instead of your butt going up and down. It goes side to side!! Just imagine. I'll draw you a picture down below! It would be so cool!! Yes it might be a bit more difficult, but hello!! Sideways butts?? I'm all for it. (This is probably why I'm not in charge of evolution. (If your an atheist.) and also why I'm not the creator. (If your Jesusly-inclined)) 
I shall now draw you, how humans would look if I was God.
Picture!!!

 OR maybe they would look like this!!!

Mind Two:
If butt cheeks were like this, life would become a bit more difficult. First off, if you were a girl, the way Mind One and I imagine it, you would look like you have a pair of balls where you shouldn't have anything. Or lady balls if you prefer.

Mind one!!
Lady balls indeed... Lady balls where your lady bits are now. Remind me to write a post later about lady bits...

"My butt looks nice from this angle!"

Mind one.
Question of the day. Supposedly, when your head is chopped off, your brain lives for a full eight seconds. So could you actually check out your dead body, before its actually dead, and could you actually talk? I would love to know this. Could I go piss off some random French man, and get guillotined?? If I did, I would run a commentary for him.
"Mother of god sharpen that thing!!!"

"This isn't bread cutting son!"

"OH! Thats nice, you missed a spot, did you think I wanted to be like Nearly Headless Nick?"

"Why are you wearing pink socks???"

Seriously, if someone really decides that they need to kill me, do me a favor and strap me to a block and guillotine me. Answer one question for me on my way out!!!

Mind two.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where a guillotine is involved and your head is in it, remember this. You have eight more seconds after the initial head chopping. Eight seconds of pure torture. It's like bull riding except there is no big golden trophy at the end and no cash prize, only heaven. Or hell depending on who you are. There is one upside, though. If your head was chopped off and rolled away to face your body, you could check yourself out. "Hey everybody! Look at how good my butt looks from this angle!!" Then they would all run over and start checking you out. Except by the time they got there, your eight seconds would be up and you couldn't see them checking out your body. Sad day.

Mind one. Call me the un-Cher

(Mind two, I'm also saving this one for the days we cant come up with shit.)

Mind one.

I dyed my hair. I know, your scared, and your thinking. What if mind one doesn't have red hair now? Now the two minds aren't gingers!! My whole life is a lie! Chill out bro, I'm still red. In fact, now my hair is a deep dark red, not that copper color. For some unknown reason, this seems to make everyone think of Cher. But they never specify WHICH Cher. Is it the original Cher, like in Mask?

Or maybe the first round of surgery Cher?

Or....Cher in Burlesque???

Or even...this random picture of Cher I found where she went...GINGER??? (Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!)

Honestly, its too much for me to understand. I'm so confused!!
(Honestly if its the Cher like in Mask, I'm okay with that!!!)

Mind Two:

You know, now that I think about it, she does bear some resemblance to Cher. Although, I don't think any of those people have it right.  Now it is my turn to draw the picture!! This is more what she looks like.

 Oh man, she is going to hate me for this one.

Mind one. P.s.
THATS MY FAVORITE THING EVER!!!! <3 I dig how we both used the same picture....