How to Drive in the Winter: A Helpful Tutorial by Mind One

Mind one.
Weather has magic properties, because anytime it snows, or gets foggy, or even rains too hard, people loose their shit while driving. So here is a guide on how to survive this hazardous driving, and not be that dumbass stuck in the median of the freeway.

1. This: "Oh my tires are spinning, I should let off the gas, then gently ease back on."
NOT THIS: "OH GOD OH GOD WHEELS DOING THE SPINNING BETTER FLOOR IT THEN I'LL BE FREE, FREEEEEDOM"

2. This: "Oh no I seem to be sliding a bit. I should gently ease off the gas pedal and correct it."
NOT THIS: "THIS ISN'T THE DIRECTION I WISH TO GO I SHOULD TOTALLY STOMP THE BREAKS AND WRENCH THE WHEEL ALL THE WAY FROM SIDE TO SIDE, OH LOOK IM SPINNING WHEEEEEE"

3. This: "That car in front of me is traveling at a safe speed for these road conditions, I'll give them their space and travel at this safe speed."
NOT THIS: "LOOK AT THIS NOOB ASSHOLE DRIVING ALL SLOW, I BETTER FLOOR IT, TAILGATE THEM FOR THREE MILES, MAKE THEM NERVOUS AS HELL, THEN DART AROUND THEM AND CUT OFF ONCOMING TRAFFIC."

4. This: "That car in front of me is loosing control, I should back off and maybe throw on my hazards to alert people behind me that there is a potential problem."
NOT THIS: "HAHA SUCKER TOO BAD NO ONE EVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE, I'M GOING TO SWERVE AROUND YOU AND SPEED PAST CAUSE I'M A RACE CAR DRIVER AND ICE CAN'T DO SHIT TO MY MAGIC UNICORN TREAD TIRES. OH SHIT I'M IN  THE DITCH TOO."

5. This: "Wow it's really foggy, I'll just turn my driving lights on, or just my dims, that way everyone can see me but I'm not blinding anyone."
NOT THIS: "FOG YAY DON'T MY BRIGHT ASS L.E.D. LIGHTS LOOK SICK IN THIS FOG. I CAN'T SEE AND YOU CAN'T SEE BUT IT'S LIKE A RAVE ON THE FREEWAY."

What I'm getting at here, is calm down, don't make any sudden moves, don't stomp on any of those pedals, and for christ's sake DIM YOUR EVERLOVING LIGHTS OR I'LL STAB YOU IN THE FACE WITH A RUSTY FORK.

The Minds are not lesbian, but Mind One is a dirty cheating whore.

Mind one.
This title.... I just.... *sigh*.

Mind Two:
I think the title alone is enough.

This story is actually a very good one and completely explainable, however, it usually takes Mind One a while to write them and this title is far to good to waste. So storytime!!!

Recently, the minds went to the movies together. And we got our seats and everything, and then I decided I had to go to the bathroom. So I get in there and I go to the farthest stall (because they're usually the cleanest) and shut the door. Except this door doesn't shut. It closes, but won't latch. So I move to the stall next to me. Except this door doesn't close at all. It just swings all the way through. But there are other people in this bathroom and I don't want them to think I'm trying to vandalize all the stalls or steal all the toiley paper or something. So I waited in the stall until all of them left. Then I raced across the room to another stall. And guess what. It still didn't latch. So I decided to go ahead and use it (which is pretty difficult if you've never been in this situation before). I finish peeing and stand up, with my shoulder leaning up against the door and try to button up my pants. Right about then, I hear the bathroom door open. At that same moment, I realized the door actually swung all the way open. I stumbled out of the stall like a drunk person, because I had been leaning on the door, and this poor lady caught in the middle of it just looks at me like, "Are you ok?" So I reassured her I was by telling her, "Don't worry, just trying to do up my pants." She found a stall as fast as she could to avoid talking to me anymore. I just hope her stall latches better than mine.

Signs You Would Be Friends With the Minds

Mind one.
I've been told that I find across as unfriendly. That is just crap. I'm incredibly easy to befriend. If you know the right things. So here is a checklist to see if you could hang with mind one.

Not only do you want to be involved in the hunger games, you want to win that shit.
Chances are that the music you listen to hits nearly every genre known to man.
You either become utterly obsessed over something, or remain completely disinterested.
Food. If any shape or form isn't safe around you.
Caffeine is a large part of your diet, which is impressive considering your ability to shovel food in.
Three words: Bitchy. Resting. Face.
Disney anything. Followed by a horror movie is normal.
Nicholas Sparks anything is not to be watched.
War movies are acceptable viewing material anytime.
Christmas music belongs in the same box of shame as the twilight series. (Mind Two: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!)
Dressing attractively will not happen me than two days in a row.
Dressing like a homeless grandmother will happen for weeks on end and that's okay.
Diet, fat-free, sugar-free, or anything along those lines will not be eaten. Take your calories like a real woman.
Sexual jokes will be made, in every conversation.
Having a brain to mouth filter hasn't happened since the first grade.
Locking yourself in your room and watching days of netflix on end is perfectly fine. In fact if you don't do this, something is probably wrong.
Everything is better with music. Everything. Whilst listening to music worlds could be won.

 

Mind two:
Lipgloss. If you also own 40 tubes of lipgloss, but have worn two of them maybe once, we could be friends.

If you believe a can of frosting is a perfectly acceptable food choice, we can be friends.

If the only things you enjoy about fall are pie and hot coffee, we can be friends.

If you like country music, we can be friends.

If you are ok with sexual jokes, we can be friends. Because if you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit, I will come crashing through it like the kool-aid man.

If you like to discuss the things you see on pinterest, FUCK YES WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

If you are not opposed to swearing, excessively, we can be friends.

If you make me food, we can be friends. But not cupcakes. Because I am the fucking queen of making cupcakes and if you try to take my crown I will stab you with it and then wipe the blood off on my apron.

Also you can't be opposed to slightly graphic descriptions. Of anything.

And if you bring me coffee without me asking you, I will automatically love you forever and ever.

Reasons why I will be a soldier, not a teacher.

Mind one.
The other day someone informed me that I would be a great teacher. After I finished laughing hysterically, I proceeded to destroy that idea. I would not be a good teacher. And here is why.

1. I would not deal with skipping class.

2. I'd be the asshole teacher that when a kid did skip my class I would have a pop quiz. Worth like thirty points, and it wouldn't be something you could make up later unless you had an excused absence. And the questions would be things like. "What color is my shirt? What is the color of the ceiling? What are the colors of the American flag?"

3.

Mind two:

Honestly,  I would be anything that let's me wear a crown.

What It's Like To Be a Senior in High School. (The unedited, non-Hallmark version)

Mind one.
Growing up as kids, we were force fed ideas of how High School would be amazing. It's an epic four year journey. You're Frodo Baggins and your friends are the fellowship. Following that analogy, Mount Doom is graduation, and senior project is the One Ring. (Sidenote here: I'm not Frodo. I hate him. Sam deserves all the credit. But that is a debate for another time. I'm more like Legolas. I do cool shit and don't talk a lot, and get things done. Mind two is my Gimli.) Halmark and Lifetime and Disney have been shoveling heartfelt, well meaning, changing point in your life crap down our throats since birth. I feel like I should make some attempt, here in the last year of my High School education, to explain why High School is not like the movies.

To start off with, once you hit high school, everyone becomes deeply concerned with your emotions. You'll be approached by more than one person, likely more than once, with things like. "Ready for all those hormones?" "Just stay positive, it's a rough time." or "Don't be afraid to talk to me, I'm here." And all of that sounds great. Until you tell them that you're fine, everything's good. Then they give you skeptical looks. Like come on kid, don't lie, tell me what's wrong. They are almost disappointed that you don't have something wrong with you. This will continue your whole high school career. In fact, pretty much your entire existance as a teenager will be filled with people being overly interested in how you feel. Here is my advice on this:

• When people genuinely care about you and are concerned, talk to them. Free all those emotions, because the will bottle up to the point where you just angst your way around. 

• If you are happy, just doing fine. Tell people that. Even if they don't believe you. 
• If you are not happy. And not doing fine. Tell someone. Someone you trust. Because angsting alone is just not very much fun. Your best friend is a good choice here. Because you can angst together.

• There is a 10,000% chance that at some point your emotional levels will be flatter than the plains of Oklahoma. If you are anything like me that will be your emotional standpoint for 98% of high school. I didn't give a damn. Still don't. About most anything or anyone. I don't exactly recommend this because at some point this state of no emotion (except anger, you'll still be able to be pissed off.), will crack and you'll be drowning in feels with no way out. And unlike everyone else who has been suffering a roller coaster of emotions through out high school, you don't know how to deal with feelings. Feel a spark of empathy for a character in a book? What is this madness, what is feelings, what is, what. So once again, I don't recommend genocide on your emotions. It makes things easier in the short run, but in the long run you will have to deal with them.

Secondly, brace yourself because the hormones really are coming. Everyone gets impacted in different. I'll keep using my personal experiences as an example. The only real difference I noticed, was just amplification. I already didn't give a damn, but now I didn't give a damn more. I also became more sarcastic, and all over I became the poster child for teenage passive aggressive rage. Which really just means that I didn't care about things, unless I had been annoyed enough, then I hated them.

Hormones affected my classmates in various ways. For some people they had enough feels for everyone in the world. Seriously, they would be nearly hysteric over someone else's breakup.

For some, they discovered their genitals and proceeded to hump everything in sight.

Others acted out.

The last two are not recommended. Basically, don't set expectations for high school based on other peoples horror stories. Just run with it. What happens to you, can be the exact opposite of what happened to me. There is no right and wrong here. There is only survive.

I could keep going, but really it's just more of the same idea. Every single person is unique, and every single high school experience will be unique. If you judge yourself off of other peoples expectations, you will fail every time. Set your own standards and live up to them, it won't always be easy, but just remember. When you graduate high school STD free, childless, clean and sober, without an addiction to anything rougher than sugar and caffeine, and you go off and start a life, saying no to parties was really the best choice. Remember kids, herpes and children are forever.
 MIND TWO YOUR TURN.

Mind Two:

SENIORITIS. SUCKS. BALLS. I NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING EVER. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. WHICH IS WHY I'M WRITING THIS INSTEAD OF STUDYING. 

Also, by high school you should have learned some grammar, like how to properly capitalize a title, for instance...Mind One. (M1. I have you here to peer edit for a reason.)

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Teen Code

Mind one.
For those of you who don't know, there is a series on MTV called Guy Code and its literally just a bunch of dudes sitting around talking about the do's and don't's of being a man. Now there is a Girl Code and surprise surprise, its a bunch of girls sitting around talking about the do's and don't's of being a lady. But, a whole lot of the "rules" really only apply to older teens and the twenty somethings. So here my friends is a teen code, just for you. From the minds, and maybe a few guest stars.

Mind one's code.
#1. Never, and I repeat never, date someone whom your friend has dated. First off, it really is like kissing that friend. Secondly, no matter how cool with it they say they are, they are not cool with it. They are anything but cool with it.
#2. Lets talk about fashion eh? Welcome to America! (Unless you are a foreign reader, then so sorry.) People really can dress any way they want. No matter how stupid you think someone looks, you look just as stupid to them. Side note, ladies, don't tell your boyfriend how to dress, he is your man, not your barbie.
#3. A car is a car. No matter how crappy, and believe me, I know a crappy car. It's still a mode of transportation. You'll notice that the only people that complain about the quality of a car, is someone who doesn't have one. Don't be that guy. Or girl. Just. Don't.
#4. Dating. Today's society has relaxed about this. People are dating younger and younger, but I think that we probably shouldn't refer to two thirteen year olds sharing popcorn at a middle school basketball game as "dating". And we also shouldn't refer to a twenty year old sharing the sheets with a fifteen year old as anything other than jail-time.
#5. Music. Yes, I know. You really like that new rap song, and that's cool. I'll be in the background with Nirvana in my headphones. WE ALL LISTEN TO DIFFERENT THINGS. Give different genres a chance. You never know when you might find something you like. Don't be the hipster. Don't be the mainstream fag. Just listen to whatever works for you.
#6. Best friends. Everyone has theirs. Some people have two. I have two. Some people have like, ten. It's been my experience that the more people you call best friend, the more the quality of these friends goes downhill. I've got mind two and the troll. We can all hang out together, and I can hang out with each of them separately. Don't try to come between best friends. That is the fastest way to piss some one the hell off. You'll either end up with both of them hating you, or with one as your friend and discovering that you two really don't work that well as friends. Let them be. Find your own friend before you start trying to steal others.
#7. Parties. Yes, they happen. Yes people go to them. Don't be that person that goes to every party. Don't be the person that only wants to party. Other things exist in this world than getting wasted. Try to act your age and go to the movies or something. There will be plenty of time for getting shit faced in college, and after. Be a teenager. Go angst over some things.
#8. Stereo-typing. Don't. Just don't. No one person fits completely into a stereotype. I've got friends that are cowboys, that play gangster rap. Friends that wear skinny jeans, listen to metal, and are some of the nicest people I've ever met. You can't label a person, it wont ever work.
#9. Make your own decisions. I know this is preached at kids everywhere from the time they stopped shitting their pants. And still, there aren't a whole lot of people in this world that can man up, and make a choice on their own. I'm not talking about "Should I have american or swiss on my subway?", I'm talking about choices that are going to shape the rest of your life. Listen to other peoples opinions, get advice from people with different points of view, but at the end of the day, think for yourself.
#10. Let people make their own decisions. Live your own life, and let other people live theirs. It is fine to give people advice, but keep it at that. Opinions are fine, just remember that everyone else will have one. No matter how sure you are that you know better, you don't. You know best for you. And they know best for them. Know how to drop the subject, and stop trying to think for other people.
#11. If you own any piece of clothing that is see-through i.e. dresses, pants, spandex, shorts, shirts, or a toga. WEAR SOMETHING UNDERNEATH. AIN'T NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR, OR YOUR "BUSINESS". AIN'T NOBODY.
#12. Know how to pick your battles. And know when you have lost. Don't be that person that reverts to insults and random hand gestures after you've been schooled. Just don't.
#13. Ladies. Lipstick. Special occasions only. Not one of you needs to be wearing bright red lipstick to high school Monday morning. Know how to use your makeup. Fancy makeup for fancy clothes. Tone it down for casual wear. And just say no to it when you dress like a homeless grandma. (Mind Two cutting in: Are you saying I shouldn't wear makeup??? Mind one back at you: Are you saying you ever wear anything more than mascara??? You're naturally pretty. Now take your compliment and go. <3)
#14. Ladies again. If you do your hair, do your goddamn makeup. Nothing looks stranger than walking behind a girl who's hair looks great, then she turns around and bam! you have to repress the urge to go full Buffy on her, because her face is pale, her eyes are sunken into her head and basically she looks like Kristen Stewart.
#15. Dudes. For the love of all that is holy...COVER YOUR ASSES UP. It's okay to wear your pants low. It's alright to sag them a tiny bit. If you are belting your pants just below your ass, I'm going to put on my hazmat suit and kick your ass. Because its hanging out. Did you know that wearing your pants like that originated in prison? Men would sag their pants as a sign to the other inmates that they were "open for business" so unless you want a six foot four Mr. T look alike calling you darling, pull that shit up.


Mind Two:
#1. Unless they are your best friend, you have no right to tell them anything about their relationship. Even if you are the BFF, that line is still sketchy. Unless he is a total creep or an asshole, you should probably just let them be happy.

#2. Ok so I kind of suck at coming up with this stuff on my own. I am going to take the cheater's way out and just revamp some of it so it is better suited for teens. I am so creative.

#2 (for real). Tights are not pants. Leggings are not pants. You know what they would be called if they were? Pants.

#3. Never go overboard on the makeup. There will be some point in your life when you have to take most of it off in front of that person you were trying to impress. And then what are you going to do? They are going to know that you are ugly as hell and that you are insecure and feel like you have to make yourself into a different person, and there goes the whole relationship. Down the drain. Plus, other girls can totally tell when you are wearing a shit-ton of makeup.

#4. Why does almost every girl in high school feel the need to workout. Or college? Some say it makes them feel good. What?! It always makes me feel like I am about to vomit and pass out.

#5. If you cried over a guy, your friend dating them is out of the question. If they cheated on you and your friend still wants to date them, let the stupid ho figure it out for herself.

#6. Guys, if you like a girl, tell her she's pretty. Even better, compliment her hair. Unless it's in a ponytail, guaranteed she spent at least an hour on it.

#7. Don't touch a girl's hair. There is no reason that a girl would waste an hour of her morning on her hair if she knew it would just get messed up soon. So just don't.

#8. Mascara face. Every girl has one. It's just the best way to apply mascara. And if a girl tells you she doesn't, she is a dirty rotten liar.

#9. If you tell a guy that you are jealous and he asks what he can do differently, marry him. Marry him right now.

#10. If you have a guy friend who is attractive, be prepared to like them at least a little bit. No matter how much you tell yourself you never will, it will happen eventually. Especially if you talk to him all the time.

#11. Getting back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend. Never a good idea. If it didn't work out the first time, what the hell makes you think it will this time? Unless there is a completely valid reason, like you moved away and then moved back and there are still sparks, just don't do it.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Mind one.
So, as I'm sure we've mentioned before, the mind's go to a lot of things together. It's like a shock blanket. "Oh god I have to go somewhere alone, better call my mind!!" And because of this, strange things keep happening. People think we're lesbian lovers. And strange small children fall in animalistic love with mind two. You totally read that right. Animalistic love. Allow me to regale you with the tale.

In our tiny little town, there is one thing that makes shit explode. The fourth of July. We have a parade just like every other Podunk wannabe town out there, but we also have the rodeo. And the suicide race. Yeah, you read that right again. Suicide race. Saddle up your horse, climb the top of this rock infested mountain, then balls to the walls your way back down the mountain, across a highway, and through the river, into the arena. AND YOU THINK YOU ARE TOUGH??? However, here in the end of June, it's all winding up to that sort of badassery. And the local yokels all come into town with their horses and team rope literally, all. day. long. (Mind Two: They rope for like 5 hours. It is not all day.)
Fat jesus felt the need to go to this, because his girlfriend would be there. And mind two's mom made her go with him to babysit. And mind two made me go so she wouldn't be alone. Yay. I was dressed like a homeless farmer, so I wasn't too pleased with this turn of events. In any case, we run into...wait for it... THE BOY WHO RIPPED HIS PANTS. HE'S BACCCCCCK. Because his father, who happens to be our teacher, is roping that night.

Mind Two:
And if you think you've seen weird, unless you have seen your teacher who wears slacks and dress shirts and ties to school every day for 9 months in a cowboy hat, wranglers, and a western shirt, then you're wrong. Because it doesn't get much weirder than that. And he also happens to be a decent roper. It really weirded me out, especially because it's clear that neither of his sons are into that kind of stuff. At all. I really don't think I can get past this.

Mind one again.
For sanity's sake we'll just refer to the boy who ripped his pants, as pants. Pants was roaming around, and of course, me being the eagle eye, I spot him and accost him at once insisting he get his nose out of the air and come visit me and mind two. As I am harassing pants, I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. It's a small child, probably around six years old. Standing in front of mind two, and staring us both down. Then he edges over so he is directly in front of me. And keeps up that stare. Then shuffles over to be in front of mind two. And stares.


Then, as if this wasn't weird enough, he growls. Not like a little puppy growl. Like a possessed by a demon oh god where's the holy water, someone grab the salt, type of growl. And the minds sat there just kinda like.


Then he dashed off. We went back to watching the roping. Or attempting to. Honestly. we were in a state of extreme shock.

Mind Two:
Ok, I'm past it. Actually, I'm not. But I am just going to forget about it.
Anyway, I was standing in the kitchen, minding my own business, carving up the chicken for dinner, when in storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage. "YOU BEEN SCREWING THE MILKMAN?!", he said. He was crazy and he kept on screaming "YOU BEEN SCREWING THE MILKMAN?!" And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.

That was a line from Chicago, if you didn't get it. I have never killed anyone, nor am I married to someone named Wilbur. And I don't especially enjoy chicken, so I most likely would not cook it for dinner.

You probably think I'm drunk. Which I am NOT. Just sleep deprived. Let's just get on with the story before this gets even more out of hand and Mind Two gets emotional.

So Mind One and I continue on with watching the roping. But the kid comes back. And he is just standing there, not talking or growling, just standing and staring. Like this:

So Mind One and I just keep on ignoring him. But then I hear my friend's name called, so I turn my head to watch him rope. And the kid moves. Right in front of me. So I have no choice but to look at him. And he still doesn't say anything. Just staring. And I start going into panic mode. Like I have no idea how to get rid of this kid. So I just stare back. Right in the eye. And, being the lady that I am, I am sitting with my legs crossed. All of a sudden, this kid moves forward. And he straddles my leg. And then he starts barking. Like a dog. And then gives one final growl and runs off. And Mind One and I just look at each other like:


And now I am terrified of little kids. And dogs.

One last thing, for all of you who thought that was funny

American Sterotypes.

Mind one.
As an American, I've been peppered with all sorts of stereotypes. This is madness, there are stereotypes about almost every country out there, but for some reason, America is the land of the stereotype. The best part of all these stereotypes? We freakin run with them. Its like the rest of the world decides to slap a label on us, and as a people we rise up, meet that stereotype, and proceed to mock it. We rain mischievous tom foolery on the heads of all other countries. If we were a God, we would be Loki.

Take, for instance, the "all Americans are fat" stereotype.
Of course we have fat people, we have a plethora of fat people. Some days I feel as if all the whales in the pacific have decided to meander up onto land and lubber about. However, we also possess some freaking built, attractive, beasts of people. (Mainly me and mind two.)
I shall provided a picture of the stereotype.

(ASS! GET DOWN FROM THERE, YOU'RE NOT A BACK, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SPINE.)
And now a picture of the anti-stereotype.

SUCK ON THAT. LITERALLY. IT'S RIGHT THERE.

That picture sort of leads me into stereotype number two. "Americans are sex crazed and sluts". First off, ouch, you people don't even know us, because hello, YOU DON'T LIVE HERE. So up yours England. It is true that we are the porn capital of the universe, but come on, with out us, you would still be watching lion sex on the plains of Africa. There is a focus on sex in our culture today, just as there is a focus on sports, feminism, gay rights, abortion, food, music, actors, the Kardashians, and every other thing.
A picture of the sex crazed American stereotype.


And a picture of the anti-stereotype.

...alright, maybe that's a wee bit extreme, but you catch the drift.

Stereotype number three.
"Americans are stupid."
I'm not even sure where to begin on this one, it honestly hurts my brain a little bit. Once again, just like any other country, we have our morons. (THAT MEANS YOU TOO CHINA.) We also have our mad scientist types, the save the world with my noggin types, the smart but lazy types, and the just flat out brain children. America is by no means the dumbest country in the world, if we were, where would of all these nifty inventions like electricity, the telephone, train, automobile, apple, and all this other crap that we worship daily of come from? China? Too obsessed with being a communist power. Japan? Trying not to get wiped off their islands by a big wave. England? Still pissed off about the whole tea party incident. (Honestly, I think we can get over this now. Still mad? Toss a case of beer in the ocean. You feel revenge and the fish feel buzzed. WIN.)
A picture of the stupid American stereotype.


Annnnnd the anti-stereotype.


Know him? Thomas Alva Edison. I shouldn't have to say more.

The final stereotype that amuses me most.
"Americans have irregular or improper speech patterns."
Examples: "Murica" "ya'll" "yonder" "reckon"
Starting with 'Murica. This is a word that I'm fairly sure a non-American made up, because even the most illiterate, idiot can pronounce America. It isn't hard, I'll walk you through it. Uh-mer-i-ka. NOT HARD AT ALL. However, now everyone and their dog is saying 'Murica. Wanna know why? It's funny. For example. Go to a resturaunt, order a burger and fries, with a large milkshake, and end your order with a heart felt. "MURICA". This stereotype that the rest of the world laughs at, guess what assholes, we're laughing too. Secondly, "Ya'll" is just fine, and do you really think "You all", or "all you" sounds any better? Thirdly, "yonder" and "reckon" are words that didn't even originate in America, so mock someone else.

Last of all, I leave you with this final thought.




Mind Two:
Stereotype: All American's are childish and drink way too much.

Why yes, we probably do.
Ever heard of the True American drinking game? Let me explain it to you.

In Summary Players take turns trying to win moves in order to navigate the tables, chairs, and cushions which are your only escape from the molten lava floor. At the center of the game is a castle made of a bottle of alcohol and many beers. As players traverse the game area, they remove beers and drink them. Once all of the beers have been removed, the first player to reach the bottle of alcohol, finish their beer, and take a swig from bottle, wins the game.

What to Wear

Not sure what to wear for a truly awesome night of True American? Want a true competitive advantage?
A night of True American playing is not to be taken lightly. The game is relentless and can turn into a danger zone in a hurry. Take into consideration, the game can go on for hours. It is that fun. You will sweat, you will fall, and you will drink yourself into a silly mess.
   My advice is that you prepare yourself for the inevitable. A True American would most likely sport a cape. Think about it, you are preparing to leap from cushion to chair to table to pillow, a little bit of Superman style makes more sense than anything else. Plus, have you ever been drunk and put on a cape? It is fun in itself. Enough said.

  Under the cape, it is most wise to keep it simple and light. Extra weight is unnecessary...I mean you want to win, do you not? If you are planning to wear a bulky hooded sweatshirt with "I finally fit into these skinny" jeans, you are planning to lose! I know, I know, you are probably sacrificing a night of dancing and overpriced lemon drops enjoyment at a bar crawling with drunken idiots, but save that over-starched button-down or squint-worthy sequin skirt for next Saturday.  Tonight, you are playing True American. As for me, I would wear some comfortable jeggings or "f*** me pants" aka yogas with a tee shirt, and guys it is an easy task for you to slip on some loose jeans and a tee.

   Footwear in this game may be the most important. Remember when you were eight years old, you opened your stocking and found those goofy, fuzzy slipper socks; The ones that had a giant Ninja Turtle head on the toes that made absolutely no sense because they were socks. You could not wear them with shoes and you would not wear them as slippers because the heel never lasted over a week without turning into a giant hole. Thanks mom (complete with sarcasm). Well, those socks, those are now useful. On the way to the playing field (aka the apartment of whoever has the most room for drunkards to be bouncing around on pillows, one that can get trashed) stop at Meijer and get those fuzzy socks with the rubber polka dot bottoms. Again, you may ask, why? This is not silly...you need grippers for leaping from space to space! Or, if you insist, spend the cash on legitimate rubber bottomed house shoes. Do not be a tough guy and not wear socks, you will burn the skin off the bottoms of your feet...if you play anyway as I do. It is a competition.
 
   Other than this clothing and accessory advice, I will tell you nothing more but to have your facts straight, maybe even watch Jeopardy for a couple of weeks before game play. This game is not for the faint of heart. Get into it, get drunk and get your friends involved. True American game night is going to be the night of your life!

The Castle

The Castle is made up of one bottle of liquor and many cans of beer (you decide how many based on the number of players). The liquor is the King and sits in the middle of the Castle. The cans of beer are the Pawns and the Soldiers of the Secret Order. The Pawns are lined up in four lines radiating outward from the King. These lines of Pawns also signify the barriers between each zone. The game ends when all of the Pawns have been removed and a player drinks from the King.

The Zones

There are four zones, each with five spaces where a player can stand. The center space in each zone is the only space where the Pawns can be taken and thus it is the closest space to the Castle. There are a total of four of these spaces. The spaces at the beginning and end of the zones are the farthest away from the Castle.

Setup

Before the game starts, determine how many beers total should be consumed and setup the Castle with those beers as the Pawns. Using the lines of Pawns as barriers between the zones; designate each zone, making sure to have 5 spaces in each zone as described above. Teams are optional.

Starting the Game

After setup is complete, players may have a shotgun contest to determine who has the first turn. If no player wisher to shotgun a beer, play rock-paper-scissors instead. To start the game, the winner of this contest yells “One, two three, JFK” at which point all other players yell “FDR”, grab a Pawn from the Castle, and retreat to any space.

Gameplay

Players move around the game area in a clockwise direction. The player whose turn it is always moves one space; however, the other players must “win” their moves. This player has three ways to provide the other players with a way to win their move.

• The Count: All players yell “One, two, three” and then hold a number of fingers, between one and five, against their foreheads. Anyone holding a number that no one else has chosen wins. Winners may move one spot.
• Complete a Quote: The player may slowly speak a quote from history or pop culture. Any other player that is able to jump in and complete the quote in tandem wins. Winners may move two spots.
• Something in Common: The player may yell out two people, places, or things. Any other player that can reply with what these two things have in common wins. Winners may move three spots.

Players must always have a beer in their hand and may not have more than three at any one time. Players may only take a Pawn from the Castle when they are in one of the four center spaces.

Winning

After all Pawns have been removed, the King is vulnerable. The first player to land on one of the center spaces, finish their beer and take a swig from the King, wins the game!

Losing

If you are caught without a beer or with only an empty beer, you lose. If you step in molten lava, you lose. To enter back into the game, drink one full beer and start on a space that the other players decide.

Picking Teams

Teams are optional. To pick teams, everyone holds up a random number of fingers against their foreheads. You are teamed up with anyone else that is holding up the same number of fingers as you. Unmatched players can team up as needed.

The Castle

The castle is made up of cans of beer and a bottle of liquor. The bottle of liquor is the king of the castle. The beers are Pawns which are the Soldiers of the Secret Order. The Pawns are lined up in four lines radiating outward from the King.

The Layout

There are four zones and an alternate zone is a “crazy” zone. There is a trail of chairs, cushions, tables, etc through the zones. The floor is molten lava. You must use these objects to traverse the zones without stepping in the lava. The Castle is in the middle of the zones.

Starting the Game

The game starts with a shotgun tipoff. Then, someone chants “One, two, three, four, JFK!” and all other players yell “FDR!” at which point everyone runs to the center table, grabs a beer and picks the nearest object to stand on.

Game Play

Players take turns attempting to earn moves. There are three known actions that can be taken on a turn.

• Guessing a common trait: The player names to people or objects that have something in common. The other players then yell out what is in common. For instance, “Abe Lincoln, George Washington” and “Cherry Tree”. Players who guess correctly drink and move.
• Doing the count: The player counts “one, two, three” and on four, all players put a number on their head similar to how teams are picked. Somehow this leads so someone drinking and moving.
• Completing a quote: The player begins a quote and all other players attempt to finish the quote. For instance, “The only thing we have to fear is…“ and “fear itself!”. Players who complete the quote correctly drink and move.

Other Rules

Here are some other random rules.

• Everything that you hear in True American is a lie.
• When a player finishes their beer, they yell “All trash belongs…” and all other players yell “in the junk yard!” at which point empty cans are thrown into a designated receptacle.
• A player may yell “JFK” at any time at which point everyone must yell “FDR” and finish their beer.

So man up, be a True American, and get wasted while avoiding a molten lava floor.

I'm going on an adventure!!

Mind one.

Now that track is over and school is out, I'll regale you with a fine tale of my greater track experiences. This could get confusing, but do try to follow along. The following tale takes place at a home meet, earlier in the season.

Being the bad ass that I am, I decided that only doing two events in track is perfectly okay, and not at all lazy or slacker like. Even if one event is high jump, and all I want to do is whale jump on the mats all day long. I also did the three hundred hurdles, which more than makes up for my laziness, and the rest of the team. That race is the devil. No, not the devil. More like the devil hopped up on redbull and coffee with a porcupine up his ass. It sucks. But I had friends to suffer with me! Yay! Also known as "The hurdle buddies". Batesy, badger, and nubsie. Sadly, I actually call them these names, I didn't just make them up right now to preserve their identities. (I just laughed out loud because identities has the word tities in it, which is a misspelling of titties. and way too much coffee could be involved.) Anyway, you know how there is that one person in every group that is so up tight that they can barely be seen amongst the peasants, they obsess over their grades, homework is gone over with a fine tooth comb, and test day might as well be a nuclear bomb threat. If you can't think of this person, you are probably them, and you're probably not reading this because you're off doing prep work for next year. In the hurdle buddies, this was nubsie. (I love nubsie, don't get the wrong idea that I'm hating on her here.) Then you have badger, who is literally a six foot something walking, talking, hurdling, asshat. Don't get me wrong, this kid is my amigo, and that's probably because I'm an asshat too. Badger really likes to push nubsie's buttons, and watch her freak out. The third hurdle buddie is also a state champion in hurdles. Batsey is one of those people that works all freaking day long at something, and it's bad on your self esteem to be around her because then you start to doubt your slacker ways. (Chances are if you're like me, you get over it pretty fast and accept that slacking is okay.)
Anyways, at this home meet there was this guy here from an opposing school, who just happened to be a freaking high jump god. And nubsie found him to be most pleasing to the eyes. And I like to annoy nubsie. So we are wandering around trying to find batesy to start warming up for the hurdles because our coach thinks you need to warm up for a freaking hour before your race. Yeah, I'm looking at you Jacobs. Anyway, attractive high jump guy is walking past me and nubs, and I take the opportunity to flail my blanket out behind me, skip into the air, and scream at the top of my lungs. "I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!" 



And nubs, just freaks the crap out. She turned so red, aliens that were about to attack earth aborted their mission because they thought we had fired up a high tech laser. And she just turns, and dives away from me, then takes off doing that awkward run-walk-shuffle thing that you do when you want to get away from something, but don't want to look suspicious. And she sort of hunched over, like she thought that if she got low to the ground, he wouldn't notice that we were walking together.




And then she dives behind the track shed kinda like this.


I turn and look at the guy, and he is standing there like a hurricane survivor or some shit. All wide eyed, and then he just gives me this awkward half smile, and sits down right where he was. Like maybe I had traumatized him so badly he couldn't carry on.




And that's how I broke nubsie.

SUPER MASSIVE WASTE OF TIME 2

Mind Two:
I find all these funny pictures on Pinterest and then I have this need to share them with the world. So if you ever feel like you need to waste a couple hours of your life, here you go.

The Funnest Banned Commercials



The mom who laid in a tanning bed for too long.









Karaoke at the gas pump.