This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Mind one.
So, as I'm sure we've mentioned before, the mind's go to a lot of things together. It's like a shock blanket. "Oh god I have to go somewhere alone, better call my mind!!" And because of this, strange things keep happening. People think we're lesbian lovers. And strange small children fall in animalistic love with mind two. You totally read that right. Animalistic love. Allow me to regale you with the tale.

In our tiny little town, there is one thing that makes shit explode. The fourth of July. We have a parade just like every other Podunk wannabe town out there, but we also have the rodeo. And the suicide race. Yeah, you read that right again. Suicide race. Saddle up your horse, climb the top of this rock infested mountain, then balls to the walls your way back down the mountain, across a highway, and through the river, into the arena. AND YOU THINK YOU ARE TOUGH??? However, here in the end of June, it's all winding up to that sort of badassery. And the local yokels all come into town with their horses and team rope literally, all. day. long. (Mind Two: They rope for like 5 hours. It is not all day.)
Fat jesus felt the need to go to this, because his girlfriend would be there. And mind two's mom made her go with him to babysit. And mind two made me go so she wouldn't be alone. Yay. I was dressed like a homeless farmer, so I wasn't too pleased with this turn of events. In any case, we run into...wait for it... THE BOY WHO RIPPED HIS PANTS. HE'S BACCCCCCK. Because his father, who happens to be our teacher, is roping that night.

Mind Two:
And if you think you've seen weird, unless you have seen your teacher who wears slacks and dress shirts and ties to school every day for 9 months in a cowboy hat, wranglers, and a western shirt, then you're wrong. Because it doesn't get much weirder than that. And he also happens to be a decent roper. It really weirded me out, especially because it's clear that neither of his sons are into that kind of stuff. At all. I really don't think I can get past this.

Mind one again.
For sanity's sake we'll just refer to the boy who ripped his pants, as pants. Pants was roaming around, and of course, me being the eagle eye, I spot him and accost him at once insisting he get his nose out of the air and come visit me and mind two. As I am harassing pants, I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. It's a small child, probably around six years old. Standing in front of mind two, and staring us both down. Then he edges over so he is directly in front of me. And keeps up that stare. Then shuffles over to be in front of mind two. And stares.


Then, as if this wasn't weird enough, he growls. Not like a little puppy growl. Like a possessed by a demon oh god where's the holy water, someone grab the salt, type of growl. And the minds sat there just kinda like.


Then he dashed off. We went back to watching the roping. Or attempting to. Honestly. we were in a state of extreme shock.

Mind Two:
Ok, I'm past it. Actually, I'm not. But I am just going to forget about it.
Anyway, I was standing in the kitchen, minding my own business, carving up the chicken for dinner, when in storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage. "YOU BEEN SCREWING THE MILKMAN?!", he said. He was crazy and he kept on screaming "YOU BEEN SCREWING THE MILKMAN?!" And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.

That was a line from Chicago, if you didn't get it. I have never killed anyone, nor am I married to someone named Wilbur. And I don't especially enjoy chicken, so I most likely would not cook it for dinner.

You probably think I'm drunk. Which I am NOT. Just sleep deprived. Let's just get on with the story before this gets even more out of hand and Mind Two gets emotional.

So Mind One and I continue on with watching the roping. But the kid comes back. And he is just standing there, not talking or growling, just standing and staring. Like this:

So Mind One and I just keep on ignoring him. But then I hear my friend's name called, so I turn my head to watch him rope. And the kid moves. Right in front of me. So I have no choice but to look at him. And he still doesn't say anything. Just staring. And I start going into panic mode. Like I have no idea how to get rid of this kid. So I just stare back. Right in the eye. And, being the lady that I am, I am sitting with my legs crossed. All of a sudden, this kid moves forward. And he straddles my leg. And then he starts barking. Like a dog. And then gives one final growl and runs off. And Mind One and I just look at each other like:


And now I am terrified of little kids. And dogs.

One last thing, for all of you who thought that was funny