From the Library, Not With Love

Mind Two:
In honor of Flashback Friday, I would like to tell everyone a story about the time I accidentally got my friend and I banned from the library for life.

First of all, you should know that I did basically nothing my senior year of high school.  I worked my ass off the first three years of high school, so I decided a break would be nice before I had to go on to the much more challenging world of college.  For my 6th period class, I had "independent study", which meant I was supposed to be doing my online English class, but really I sat in the library and bullshitted with people for an hour.  As it happens, one of these friends was The Boy Who Ripped His Pants, and the other was my friend who was taking online English with me.  We shall call her Moony, as dubbed by Mind One.

Now the thing about the three of us is that we are all hilarious people.  So it's not really our fault that we tend to laugh a lot, especially at each other's jokes.  And sometimes we get a little bit loud, but it didn't really matter that much because there was never anyone else in the library.

The day of the Incident started off perfectly normal.  Moony and I were sitting on the couch in the library, and The Boy wandered over from the front desk to join us.  We weren't being any louder than normal, but the librarian was in a particularly bad mood.  She came over to tell us to get to work.  We politely informed her that all the computers were full, because an entire class with their teacher had come in to use the computers.  She glared at us for a minute, then snapped at The Boy to get back to the desk.  She mumbled under her breath all the way to her office.  Moony and I continued talking for a while.  With approximately 2-3 minutes left of class time, the class that had come in all logged off the computers and left.  This prompted the librarian to pick up where she left off yelling at us.  She told us that now we needed to get to work because the computers weren't full anymore.  We, again politely, informed her that there were less than 5 minutes left in class and we wouldn't even have time to get logged on.  Her response to this was, "Fine, than you can just leave."

I was shocked by this outburst of rudeness.  Moony and I started packing our things.  On the way out of the door, I smiled over my shoulder at her and said in my sweetest, sappiest voice, "Have a nice day, [librarian]."

The next day in a different class, my friend got called to the office and informed me that the counselor had been the one to call her out of class, saying that the librarian didn't want us in the library anymore, so we were to go to her office from now on.

One more small detail.  It has been questioned several times whether or not I added a "bitch" on to the end of that last sentence.  I am not willing to confirm or deny this because I actually can't remember anymore.  Everyone knows I don't have the best control over my mouth, so it wouldn't be a surprise if this last part actually happened.

This whole fiasco prompted my science teacher to hang this up in his classroom, for a few months.  It might actually still be there.

The fact that is says "look how much a single smile can do" just makes everything a million times better.

UPDATE:

Moony has informed me that I did not call the librarian a bitch, no matter how much I wanted to.

She also said the reason we didn't get a computer was because we were actually helping the librarian haul books to the dumpster, which makes me feel completely justified in all of my actions.

One last thing. Did I mention Moony and I (Mind Two) were the valedictorians? Well we were and I'm pretty sure we were the only valedictorians to get kicked out of a library.

The Time Mind One Met Her Match and It Was a Centipede

Mind one.
This debacle took place week two of AIT, when post basic stress syndrome was still very real, and roommate and I were both wound up tight. Roommate had made an unequivocally poor decision, she ventured forth from the sanctuary of our room to mingle with the commoners, low life's, and other miscreants. (Read: our classmates) Being the wise individual I am, I stayed behind. Being able to shower alone still hadn't, nor will it ever, lost its glory, so I gleefully stripped down. With my supplies at the ready, I made the first offensive strike towards the shower. It retaliated by spitting up a five inch long, scaly, red-Brown hell spawn of a centipede. Now, our bath mat is an odd shade of brown, so it wasn't until I nearly stepped on this multi legged demon that I noticed it. I did what any warrior does in their first battle. I froze, panicked, and nearly Shit myself. Taking my soldier skills into use, I called for indirect fire on it's location, or in civilian terms I bombed the ever living Shit out if it with shampoo bottles. No effect, the thousand-legged-demon is still alive, and based on its mandible movements, bitch was planning a counter offensive. So I launched chemical weaponry. I unleashed a hell storm of febreeze, Windex, and scrubbing bubbles. And it's still MOVING. FUCK. So I called for back up. Roomie is from Oklahoma, aka, home to the largest collection of freak insects. Roommate got a phone call something like this, "COME KILL THIS THING BEFORE I NUKE THE WHOLE POST." She opened the door to find a still very naked me, armed with febreeze and a combat boot in each hand. At this point the trauma was too much. All I did was point at the bathroom and hiss. Roommate spots Satan's vessel on earth chilling on the mat, and SHE COO'S AT IT LIKE IT'S SOME SORT OF FLUFFY NON LUCIFER SPAWN THOUSAND LEGGED FIVE INCHES OF PURE TERROR AND HORROR. NOT ONLY DID SHE HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CUDDLE THE DEVIL BUG, BUT SHE DIDN'T EVEN KILL IT. SHE "RESCUED" THE SON OF A BITCH. She was on my Shit list for a solid week, and I no longer trust my bath mat.

The Minds Are Back in Action (Briefly)

Mind Two:

THE MINDS WERE REUNITED OVER THE WEEKEND AND IT WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING QUITE POSSIBLY EVER!

So you guys get stories from this weekend. First, look at all the pictures we took together and how amazingly photogenic we are.

And I just want to say to those of you that don't know what it's like to have to be apart from your best friend in the entire world, you lucky bastards.  It is no fun and I had no idea how much I actually missed Mind One until I got to spend time with her, only to realize we would soon have to be parted.

Ok, story time now.

Day 1 of the Reunion.
I get lost trying to get INTO the military base. Sometimes I question my ability to be an adult.

The gate guy saw my drivers license and pronounced Oregon as Oar-e-gone.

Mind One and I had agreed upon a spot to meet, but I walked into the gas station as she was walking out through a different exit, which led to us missing each other and me getting a snapchat of my car. I also sort of screamed her roommates name and scared the shit out of her. I had never met her before but I recognized her from her Facebook picture.

Then I got to meet Mind One's military friends (or people she tolerates, whatever you want to call it).  One of them was very attractive.
And we watched about half of Brave before I left.

And then Mind Two almost got trapped in an elevator.  I have always had a fear of being trapped in an elevator and tonight made it worse.  I got in, pushed the second floor button, and when the elevator stopped, the doors wouldn't open. I immediately started panicking. I had no idea what to do if I was actually stuck in the elevator.  So I tried pushing the open door button, multiple times, and nothing happened.  Then I pushed the first floor button, and it lit up. After what felt like a lifetime but was only  a couple seconds, I felt the elevator move. Panic attack over. Then I felt it stop, so I hit the open door button and after a couple seconds, the doors opened. I am probably never riding in an elevator again, and yes I did get off and walk up the stairs.

Day 2 of the Reunion.
I didn't get to see Mind One a lot this day.  I did win points though because I brought her steak from Texas Roadhouse that was so rare it looked like they cut off a steer's horns, wiped it's nasty old ass, and slapped it on a plate (well a to-go box).  And I ate soft cookies (points to Mind One for making her roommate buy them for me) and Texas Roadhouse rolls for dinner.  Then Mind One got frustrated at her email and I watched her passive-aggressively click away at a computer trying to fix her email.  


Day 3 of the Reunion.
I had to head back to school on this day.  So Mind One bought me coffee and donuts before I had to leave.  And I made the mistake of wearing a sparkly shirt and my hair down, so the testosterone in the room was overwhelming.  To fix this, we picked a table near a trashcan so no one would be tempted to sit by us.

On the drive home, I hit rush hour traffic in Phoenix.  In case you are wondering, this was not a fun time.  By the time I got off the freeway that was moving at 20 mph, I was basically an angry ball of rage.  So to fix this fact, I went and dyed my hair and it turned out waaay darker than expected, which didn't really help my mood at all.

The Minds also made some plans for Christmas, when we will officially be together again for a decent amount of time.  And in this time we will cause so many shenanigans.

Mind one has a political rage fit

Mind one here.
If you don't like opinion filed, rage rants. I suggest you about face right off my blog. Cause this going to beautiful. Here are some things that really "grind my gears".
1. All of the limp wristed, panty waisted, mouth breathing, cowards that deem ISIS (or whatever in the great gallop horse fuck they are calling themselves this week) to be "not America's problem." Whoa there bud. A radical insurgent group hell bent on taking over the whole world, which at last check included America, and imposing Shariah law on the whole planet is a bit our concern. From a more personal (read soldier) perspective, I am not a fan of the idea of the entire damn earth being a terrorist stomping ground. Also, in the soldiers creed (civilians please navigate to google to follow along), there is a line, "I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life." Hold up. Go back and read it again. "...and the American way of life." Not "only the American way of life." Now call me quirky but I see that as I am a guardian of all freedom, not just freedom as we receive it. Freedom for every single person on this rock orbiting the great fireball in the sky. So yes, I think we should go boots on the ground against ISIS, not because it is "an American problem", also because the amount of suffering and pain ISIS is inflicting is something that any half decent human should feel compelled to stop, but over all for the simple reason that ISIS is currently and intends to continue to trample all over freedom and that's the shit I don't like.

2. Once again, insert insults of your choice here, "Ebola isn't that big of a deal". Are you sure? Go and contract it, then see his big of a deal it is. If I see one more graph comparing Ebola to all the other various causes of death in Africa at the moment I'm going to go super saiyan. Posting up a half cocked graph proclaiming Ebola as a "low ranking cause of death" to support your selfish ideals that we stay uninvolved is nauseating. You are essentially telling the world, "Ebola hasn't killed enough people to take it seriously yet.". News flash here, we have the resources, technology, and man power to help prevent the spread of Ebola. Shit, China has a cure in the works. Comparing AIDS to Ebola is monumentally ridiculous, and I ask you to navigate to google once again to learn a bit about both. As it stands we can't do much about AIDS, which sucks, but that doesn't mean we can't do something for Ebola.

(If I have a choice though, I'd rather be deployed against ISIS, because terrorists die just like everyone else, but you can't exactly shoot Ebola in the face.)

3. To those of you still clinging to Vietnam era prejudices, and those hipster twat-bags who have adopted said prejudices to be ironic, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Killing babies 101 was not offered at my basic training, or AIT. Intro to stealing human rights was also missing. Whoops. While I personally haven't run up against any one sitting spouting that kind of ill-conceived non-sense, my battle buddies have. I'll leave this here, just know the first person to call me a baby killer is going to have hell fire rain down upon their heads.

4. "It's too bad you couldn't go to college and had to go to the army."  Every time I hear this, or a statement along those lines, I have the same reaction. *screaming internally*. Let's get something in the clear right here. No matter how lazy I was in high school, or how much effort I didn't put into finding a college, the army was never a last resort. It was option number one. College was my fallback, door number two, second chance, whatever. Now that the army is going good for me I'll go to college whenever I damn well please. I can do both. That free will is a bitch ain't it?

Two cups of coffee, and a large amount of loud hateful music went into above post, so take it as it is. I feel better with the rant out of the way.

Private smart ass over and out.

Letters From Basic

Mind Two:
So Mind One went to Basic Training for the army this summer. The Mind's were separated for quite some time and it pretty much sucked. Mind One couldn't text me every second of every day like normal. So we were reserved to writing letters. And we always had lots to say. However, there are certain ways you talk to your best friend and Mind One and I were no different. We always had inappropriate but hilarious stories to share with each other. Communicating through letters was no different. Which is why I feel the need to share a few of the gems Mind One has written me over the summer. I won't share the whole letter cause privacy and just a warning, most of the things Mind One and I say to each other are offensive, so if you don't like language stop reading right now. But you're missing out because Mind One and I are frickin hilarious.

Letter #1 (June 23rd, 2014)
I'm on fireguard right now, which is Army speak for "wake up and stay up for 1 hour because fuck sleep".
So far Basic doesn't suck quite as much dick as I was afraid of.
P.S. Pulling fire guard makes me want to suck start an M16.

Letter #2 (June 7th, 2014)
I'm writing this after lights out and a drill sergeant just came in and flipped shit.
Now I can't have my flashlight on so I'm writing and reading by the light of the exit sign.
P.S. I ripped skin off my middle finger today on Treadwell Tower.

Letter #3 (July 4th, 2014)
As Drill Sergeant Melnyk said, "Happy fuck England day privates!"
Also remember, the only people that get their happy endings without a rocky road are ignorant bitches.
Yesterday I had my first drill sergeant screaming in my face incident. There were 2 and guess what they were yelling about? Top Gun. The fucking movie. What even is my life?

Letter #4 (July 11th, 2014)
I named my M16 Irene. And I zeroed her in today. Me and Irene are gonna tear shit up mother fucker.

Letter #5 (July 17th, 2014)
I ghetto rigged coffee today at lunch. Instant coffee and creamer and sugar. It was awful, and wonderful. I need coffee and a fucking month away from all these females. Sweet sugar tits. Today was not a good day.
FYI there is a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that our drill sergeant told us about today. (You can bet your sweet ass Mind Two will find this book and read it!)

Letter #6 (July 18th, 2014)
Throat punch that girl. Fucking stomp a mudhole in her ass. Nuke her until she glows, then shoot her in the dark. Punch her so hard in the chest her heart stops and she dies.

Letter #7 (August 2nd, 2014)
You're taking your sweet ass time to send me another letter shit bag.
There are 2 certified Africans from Africa. And they speak fucking horse shit languages and it ruins my day.
Can I still kill her? I know like 8 different ways now. Army certified.
I'm going to the Wiccan ceremony tomorrow cause it's a holiday and we'll get cookies and shit. Some real black and ghetto girls want me to learn how to twerk.

Letter #8 ( August 10th, 2014)
Fun fact: Bacon every day here. But the pancakes are bullshit.
I NEED COFFEE! HOLY SHIT TITS.
Story on this page AKA the time a giant moth almost ruined my Army career. (This is Mind Two's favorite story). There are fucking huge moths here. They're called Wolf Moths. I saw one where each wing was the size of my hand. My. Giant. Man. Hand. Each wing. I nearly shit all over during PT. The first sergeant is standing in front of me and I'm at attention. Out of my peripheral vision, I see this big ass flying...thing. And in my head I'm all, "Bat! fuck fuck fuck". On the outside I was all position of attention soldier face. Then it gets a little closer. And it's a giant moth. Like Mothzilla flying near my first sergeant's head. So I did what any reasonable private would have done. I made a purdy disgusted face. Which made the first sergeant follow my eye line. He sees Satan's pet moth hovering over his shoulder, looks back at me, and makes the same face. So the first sergeant and I are basically like this:

So I panic. And I look to the center of the PT formation and all I see is 2 of my drill sergeant's fucking staring at this moth and backing up and covering their faces. Later I ask my roommate and THEY FUCKING FLY AT PEOPLE'S FACES AND THEY BITE AND THEY GET EVEN BIGGER. LIKE ONE WING=ONE PAGE OF A PIECE OF PAPER. FUCK OKLAHOMA.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I had to look forward to every week. Don't you wish your best friend was as funny as mine?

Mind Two vs. Biology 181

Mind Two:
Guess who is in Arizona, just like Mind Two? That's right! Mind One! We are officially in the same state again! And thank God for that because I am lost without my other mind. Literally. Last Thursday was the official start of classes for me. I have 18 credits this semester, which is a lot, including two science classes. Friday I had my first Biology class. I sat through another hour of a different teacher explaining a very similar syllabus to all the other ones. But this teacher was different. She was sarcastic and kind of cranky and has bitchy resting face and loves to eat and sleep. She is basically both of the Minds wrapped into one wonderful person. Towards the end of class, she lectured a little bit. About genetics. And I thought, "Damn, I'm a freshman in a genetics biology class. I'm so fricken smart." Nowhere along the line did it occur to me that this class was actually pretty advanced. When I got back to my dorm, I tried to register for the online homework, only I kept getting an error message. I finally emailed my teacher about it and she responded saying that there was no Shania in her class roster. So I got to looking around and saw that my online schedule said something different from the printed schedule they gave me at orientation. Awesome. So I emailed a few people and for my very first biology class as a freshman in college, I went to the wrong class. Fricken wonderful. I guess tomorrow I will go to my real biology class and see what that one is like. Probably not as cool of a teacher. Damn.

Since Mind One has been transferred to Arizona, she now has computer access. Which means you guys can hear both of the Minds stories again and you don't have to listen to me ramble on about meaningless stuff that I think is funny. Normally Mind One is here to give me the veto. Don't worry, she will probably have her computer within the week. So she can keep me in check and come up with better titles.

To finish this off, I will share with you the best advice I have ever gotten from a beer bottle.

Spider: One/Mind Two: Zero

Mind Two:
Another thing I am scared of: spiders. "Little pieces of death wrapped in scary." Although I don't know anyone who actually likes spiders, I am completely terrified of them. They gross me out and are just plain creepy. So now let me tell you a little story called "The Time I Stood Up To a Spider (and Almost Killed Myself)".

One morning I was getting ready for school. As I was getting ready to leave my room to go eat breakfast, I realized I forgot to turn off the light in my bedroom. I turned around to head back up the stairs and BOOM! There it was. The spider. Looking at me all creepy with its 16 billion eyes. And in that moment, I decided something. I would face my fear and I will kill that spider. Then I had to give myself an inspirational speech, which went like this:

"Today is the day, spider. I will rise up, and I will CRUCIFY HIIIMMMM!!!"



Then I stood like that for a couple seconds and got myself prepared.
I took my shoe off, raised it above my head, about to crush the evil spider, and then it happened.

THE SPIDER FUCKING MOVED!

I screamed and threw my shoe at the spider, getting ready to run for my life.

I turned to run back down the stairs and grabbed the railing. As I was running down the stairs, my hand wasn't moving as fast as my feet, so instead of going straight down the stairs, I swung around and slammed my head into the wall. Which is how Mind Two got a giant bruise on her forehead for a week and also why whenever I see a spider now, I just scream until someone comes to kill it for me.

Redheads Do It Better

Mind two:

Mind one was right. I did forget what this post was going to be about. But if it's in neon, then it must be true!

Oh well. I am going to turn it into an update post. So here's what happened.  Mind One and I haven't posted anything lately and we are incredibly sorry. Mind One is in the military now, as I have mentioned before. She passed her PT test at Basic Training, which means she is now allowed to graduate! I'm so proud of her. I sent her a graduation card. I promised her I would keep the blog going while she was away and I hate to admit I have been slacking. But in my defense, I have been trying to get ready for college.  Arizona, a thousand miles away from home. Just to let you know, college is one of the scariest and most exciting experiences in the world. Don't stay near your hometown. This is pretty much your one chance to go wherever you want.

Oh and I remembered what this post was going to be about. 

If any of you have ever met a redhead, you know that we tend to be little hotheaded pistols with enough attitude for all of Jersey. As is the case for Mind One and I (both redheads). Let me give you an example. The other day, I was playing at a tennis match. Districts actually. And the other team was being super bitchy. Asking if we were sure about calls and calling a few that were in, out. So the redhead in me was starting to show in more places than just my hair. And when they asked about a call we made that was very clearly out, I turned around and said "Honey, it was out by about two feet." And that is how I got a line judge called on my partner and I at tennis districts. Be warned, us redheads are bad at controlling our temper and our mouth. I wouldn't take a chance on messing with one.

Life Lessons/ Senior Quotes

Mind Two:
Guess what?!
MIND ONE AND I ARE SENIORS!!!!!
And since we are officially the upperclassmen and about to embark upon the wonderful journey of life, I think it's time to share some things we learned with you. Pretty much just an add on to Teen Code.
I'll go first.

Life is like spicy food. What you do today, might burn you in the ass tomorrow. (Stolen from The Boy Who Ripped His Pants!)

There is always an appropriate time for a Harry Potter reference. ALWAYS.

Trading your heart for another liver, so you can drink more and care less might sound appealing, but it probably won't happen, so man up and face your problems. But if you do find a way for this option to work, let me know.

Do not have a huge list of attractive items in a girl. This isn't Build a Bitch Workshop. Find someone you can talk to and care about.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin. And muffins are healthy. So eat a cupcake every now and then, for health reasons.

If anyone ever tells you that you put too much parmesan on your spaghetti, you stop being friends with them. Right that second. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

If someone breaks your heart, don't dwell on it and be sad.

Coffee totally counts as a vegetable, and I feel completely justified with my lifestyle choices.

Everybody has bad days.

Some people aren't idiots, they just do a lot of dumb stuff.

It's always a good idea to make friends with your lab partner. It's easier to forgive a friend for almost accidently blowing you up.

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

If someone calls you ugly, give them a hug. Life is hard for the visually impaired.

Shorts are pants made awesome.

Spiders are little pieces of death wrapped in scary and it is perfectly acceptable to scream when you see one.

Always shoot for the stars, because even if you miss, you're in freaking space!

Plus side of living in a small town: if you don't have your life figured out, ask someone else. They will know!

Be fucking polite.

Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows tell you shit about life.

It's just a penis. Can't be any worse for you than smoking.
(Mind One was clearly impressed with this one)

If no one from the future comes to stop you from doing it, how bad of a decision can it really be?

Take life as it comes in your face and runs down your chin.

Mind one.

For some reason our school decided that we seniors didn't need to leave senior quotes in the yearbook, so mind two and I are compiling a list of wisdom to leave behind for future generations.

Sex in empty classrooms is reserved for upper classmen.

Pooping is for at home, no shitting at school.

Treat the hallways like a road, stay to the right or be run over by a senior much bigger than you.

Pick a teacher to depend on, because having an adult to depend on at school is fantastic.

Don't trust anyone. Don't leave your homework with a friend, and don't trust the people in your group for projects.

Dress code will be enforced roughly four weeks out of the year, two at the beginning and two at the end, don't use this as an excuse to dress like a whore.

There will be teachers you hate with an all consuming passion, passive aggressive sarcasm is a good outlet.

Be nice to the janitor, they are people too, and I go out of my way to say hello at least once a day.

Shower, every day. The middle school days of drenching yourself in Axe or perfume are over.

There are classes where doing all of the homework will do absolutely nothing for your grade.

There are classes where doing the homework will be the only thing to save your grade.

The librarian is actually the devil incarnate. 

Don't worry yourself about being popular, because the only thing that spreads faster than drama in the in circle of any school is the STD's.

It's the job of a senior to not give a shit, don't take it personally.

High school relationships are like taco bell, it seems like a good idea at first, until you end up sobbing on the toilet.

It's easiest to just not eat the school food, bag lunch it until you can leave for food.

There are places in the school that will creep you out, and those places will not get any less creepy.

Don't set your heart on a perfect ideal of high school, by senior year you will be miles away from it.

Listen to your gut, always.

PDA in the halls between every class will get you yelled at by staff, and slammed into lockers by students.

Netflix is your best friend and worst enemy. 

Don't drive like an asshole in the parking lot.

Having a nice jacked up truck in high school is just about as important as snowboots in the Sahara. 

It's easier to be the honest asshole, than the lying saint.

Sorry not sorry

Mind two.
So mind one left for basic training for national guard. Which means mind two has the blog all to herself. Which means that there is no mind one to stop mind two  from posting some things which probably don't need to be posted. Also sometimes it's late at night and I get a lot of feelings and I project them onto mind one but I can't really do that now so they will probably end up on here or on Twitter. So bear with me for a couple months and we can get through this together. And when she gets back I know she will be like what the fuck. Mind two fucked this whole thing up and she will fix it. So I'm really just apologizing in advance.

The Greatest Insults Of All Time.

Mind one.
I'm a really angry person a lot of the time, and so I shall compile a list of the greatest insults ever. Both original and quoted. Pictures and just words.

"Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory."
"Shut up! You'll never be half the man your mother is."
"You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!"
"If I had a dick this is where I would tell you to suck it." (Betty White ladies and gentlemen)
"If I had a dog as ugly as you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards."
"You're so ugly even Chris Brown wouldn't hit that."
"If I wanted a joke I would of followed you into the john and watched you take a leak."
“I don’t give a tuppeny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit sack.”
“You’re an emotional fucking cripple. Your soul is dogshit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.”
"You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humour and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick."
"I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon."
"You know, I'd almost forgotten what your eyes looked like. Still the same. Pissholes in the snow."
"It was nothing like that, penis-breath!”
"You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole."
"I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
"You're just the afterbirth, Eli, slithered out on your mother's filth. They should have put you in glass jar on a mantelpiece."
"Even if I were blind, desperate, starved and begging for it on a desert island, you'd be the last thing I'd ever fuck."
"You're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty."
"I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?"
"Hey, ASSBUTT."
"Fuck face, fuck weasel, fuck stain, fuck stick, fuck wit, fucking fucker fuck."
"You are the  biggest douche I've ever encountered. Even Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't douche with you."

Mind Two:
"You weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling, were you?"
"Looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin."
"You are proof that evolution can go in reverse."
"I'm going to throw a water balloon at you. Like, I don't want to hurt to you, but I do want to ruin your day."
"Learn from your parents mistakes. Use birth control."
"I tried to see things from your point of view, but I couldn't get my head that far up my ass."
"Don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street."
"Just because you put a pretty shirt over your muffin top does not make it a cupcake."
"You're a smelly pirate hooker."
"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?"
"Bitch, I don't wanna talk to you. You a bitch. And a slut!"
"I hate your stinking guts. You are the scum between my toes. You make me vomit."
"You sissified tweety bird." (m1. This gets me...)
"Who you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?"
"Chicken legs! Say that to my face, you limp noodle!"
"I've had a perfectly lovely evening. But this wasn't it."
"Your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork."

I Broke My Ass, and El Kevin To the Rescue.

Mind Two:

I feel kind of bad that the Minds have been slacking on posting things for you guys, so today you get TWO stories!!

The first one, a story of an awesome waitress and co-waiter at the Olive Garden, which Mind One shall tell.

Mind one.
I got this.

First off, Mind Two and I have both been waitresses, so we understand that being awesome can either make or break a customers meal. Secondly, we also understand that a customer with a sense of humor the best thing ever. So here is a little story about how a table full of smartasses met two of the coolest people at the Nampa Olive Garden.

It all started out with the Minds and the Troll heading to Olive Garden to eat our collective body weight in breadsticks, and soup. The minds+Troll= a combination that could either end the world, or save it, we aren't really sure yet. When we first walk in, there is a bit of a scuffle among the waitresses on who would seat us, I'd like to think that they were fighting over who could have us, but in reality we probably looked like trouble and they were fighting over who had to take us. We finally get seated, and our waitress comes up to take our drink order. She asks us what we want to drink, then leans down and says this.
"One of my co-workers thinks that guy at the corner booth looks like Joseph Gordan-Levitt. But he looks like Joseph Gordan-Levitt if he did ten years of meth."

She then walks away to get our drinks. This was a sign that the rest of the night would be epic.
As the night went on, our server got a little busy. And we were still eating enough bread sticks to feed a third world country for a few years. Our server realized this and enlisted the help of one of her co-workers. Now when a basket of bread sticks starts making its way to our table, we all got a little excited. Then deeply saddened when we realized that the person carrying them was not our server. Sad faces all around. Then the bread sticks stopped. I'm very sure that we all looked like we were going to attack. Because the server just sat the basket on the edge of the table and started to edge away. I couldn't let him escape.
M1: "El Kevin..."
EK: "That's my name..."
M2: "El? Like. The spanish." (Mind two is reaaaaaal bad at spanish so the fact she recognized this was a serious accomplishment.)
T: "Yayayayayay bread sticks." *insert horrifying eating sounds here. Troll may be little but she eats like a T-rex.*
M1: "That is fantastic."
EK: "Yeah, but my manager is going to make me change it..." *here he walked away looking like a kicked puppy.*

Now maybe because he had brought us food, or maybe because we were all feeling a little like activists, or maybe we just wanted to cause a ruckus. We all decided to write a petition on a notecard that Mind one found in her bag. (Cause I'm a freaking prepared little soldier.) It went something like this.

"We, the customers of olive garden, would like to insist that El Kevin be allowed to keep his name tag just as it is." Then we all signed it and slipped it to our waitress.

Fast forward a few months. Mind two and I are back at Olive garden because we are fatasses and eat there wayyy too often. We told our waitress the story of El Kevin, and she told us that yes, he still had his name tag, and that the waitress that we had that night before, was her best friend. She even offered to go fetch El Kevin for us. He remembered us. Told us we were awesome.

And that dear readers is a prime example of how you can never be as cool as the Minds. Ever. Not even if there is a fire.

Mind Two:
The second, a tale of Mind One's complete and utter lack of grace that Mind Two shall tell, if she can stop laughing long enough.

First off, when Mind One asks you to go on an adventure with her, you never say no because something hilarious and/or amazing is about to happen. Which is why today, when Mind One entered the counselors office (where I was doing my independent study because I got banned from the library, the story which I will tell later) and asked me to go with her, I couldn't refuse. At this time of day, the storm that had been brewing hit us full blast.  I mean hail and wind and snow and rain, coming at us all at the same time.  There was snow and ice everywhere. Mind One and I had to make a mad dash for her car, which she explained to me this adventure was because she had to go to a teachers house and get a movie that was going to be watched in a class. The reason I was the tag-along was because she wasn't exactly sure where the house was and didn't want to look like an idiot by herself. I have absolutely no idea where this teacher lives, but I do know his son. I called his son to see if he would give us directions to his house, except apparently The Boy Who Ripped His Pants (yep, it was a teacher's kid who ripped his pants) doesn't know how to answer his phone. After leaving him a nasty voice message, Mind One and I decide that we can totally find this house on our own. Because we do know that The Boy is probably there and we also know what his car looks like. And surprise, it didn't actually take us that long to find. So we get there and the weather is still going balls to the walls. All Mind One wanted to do was get the movie, which was in the mailbox. However, I was not going to let The Boy get away with not answering his phone. As I go running up to his house, Mind One goes sprinting past me, trying to get out of the cold as fast as she can. Watching this, I can tell something bad is about to happen. Mind One lands the first step on the porch, skips the next two, and completely wipes out. Spread-eagle lying on the ground in pain.
Here's a visual:

Mind one cutting in, that is the most accurate picture ever. EVER.

Mind two again.

So mind one broke a flower pot on the porch. Not like cracked it either. Like snapped it into two pieces when she kicked it with her flailing limbs. And about that time, the boy opens the door and sees mind one lying on the ground and me laughing so hard I'm crying and can't breathe. And he just kind of shakes his head. Like he expected this from us. And then informs us that he thought someone was being shot on his front porch. Thanks for running outside immediately to check.

Not So Happily Ever After

Mind one.
Single. Again. So I'm making a post about break ups. With Disney, and various other hilarious things about becoming single (AKA awesome) again.

Mind two:

Alright, Clearly I am at a better place now, than where I was previously, but just remember ladies, whenever a guy breaks your heart, it's his fault, not yours, and eating that whole can of frosting is totally okay.