Not So Happily Ever After

Mind one.
Single. Again. So I'm making a post about break ups. With Disney, and various other hilarious things about becoming single (AKA awesome) again.

Mind two:

Alright, Clearly I am at a better place now, than where I was previously, but just remember ladies, whenever a guy breaks your heart, it's his fault, not yours, and eating that whole can of frosting is totally okay. 

How to Drive in the Winter: A Helpful Tutorial by Mind One

Mind one.
Weather has magic properties, because anytime it snows, or gets foggy, or even rains too hard, people loose their shit while driving. So here is a guide on how to survive this hazardous driving, and not be that dumbass stuck in the median of the freeway.

1. This: "Oh my tires are spinning, I should let off the gas, then gently ease back on."
NOT THIS: "OH GOD OH GOD WHEELS DOING THE SPINNING BETTER FLOOR IT THEN I'LL BE FREE, FREEEEEDOM"

2. This: "Oh no I seem to be sliding a bit. I should gently ease off the gas pedal and correct it."
NOT THIS: "THIS ISN'T THE DIRECTION I WISH TO GO I SHOULD TOTALLY STOMP THE BREAKS AND WRENCH THE WHEEL ALL THE WAY FROM SIDE TO SIDE, OH LOOK IM SPINNING WHEEEEEE"

3. This: "That car in front of me is traveling at a safe speed for these road conditions, I'll give them their space and travel at this safe speed."
NOT THIS: "LOOK AT THIS NOOB ASSHOLE DRIVING ALL SLOW, I BETTER FLOOR IT, TAILGATE THEM FOR THREE MILES, MAKE THEM NERVOUS AS HELL, THEN DART AROUND THEM AND CUT OFF ONCOMING TRAFFIC."

4. This: "That car in front of me is loosing control, I should back off and maybe throw on my hazards to alert people behind me that there is a potential problem."
NOT THIS: "HAHA SUCKER TOO BAD NO ONE EVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE, I'M GOING TO SWERVE AROUND YOU AND SPEED PAST CAUSE I'M A RACE CAR DRIVER AND ICE CAN'T DO SHIT TO MY MAGIC UNICORN TREAD TIRES. OH SHIT I'M IN  THE DITCH TOO."

5. This: "Wow it's really foggy, I'll just turn my driving lights on, or just my dims, that way everyone can see me but I'm not blinding anyone."
NOT THIS: "FOG YAY DON'T MY BRIGHT ASS L.E.D. LIGHTS LOOK SICK IN THIS FOG. I CAN'T SEE AND YOU CAN'T SEE BUT IT'S LIKE A RAVE ON THE FREEWAY."

What I'm getting at here, is calm down, don't make any sudden moves, don't stomp on any of those pedals, and for christ's sake DIM YOUR EVERLOVING LIGHTS OR I'LL STAB YOU IN THE FACE WITH A RUSTY FORK.

The Minds are not lesbian, but Mind One is a dirty cheating whore.

Mind one.
This title.... I just.... *sigh*.

Mind Two:
I think the title alone is enough.

This story is actually a very good one and completely explainable, however, it usually takes Mind One a while to write them and this title is far to good to waste. So storytime!!!

Recently, the minds went to the movies together. And we got our seats and everything, and then I decided I had to go to the bathroom. So I get in there and I go to the farthest stall (because they're usually the cleanest) and shut the door. Except this door doesn't shut. It closes, but won't latch. So I move to the stall next to me. Except this door doesn't close at all. It just swings all the way through. But there are other people in this bathroom and I don't want them to think I'm trying to vandalize all the stalls or steal all the toiley paper or something. So I waited in the stall until all of them left. Then I raced across the room to another stall. And guess what. It still didn't latch. So I decided to go ahead and use it (which is pretty difficult if you've never been in this situation before). I finish peeing and stand up, with my shoulder leaning up against the door and try to button up my pants. Right about then, I hear the bathroom door open. At that same moment, I realized the door actually swung all the way open. I stumbled out of the stall like a drunk person, because I had been leaning on the door, and this poor lady caught in the middle of it just looks at me like, "Are you ok?" So I reassured her I was by telling her, "Don't worry, just trying to do up my pants." She found a stall as fast as she could to avoid talking to me anymore. I just hope her stall latches better than mine.

Signs You Would Be Friends With the Minds

Mind one.
I've been told that I find across as unfriendly. That is just crap. I'm incredibly easy to befriend. If you know the right things. So here is a checklist to see if you could hang with mind one.

Not only do you want to be involved in the hunger games, you want to win that shit.
Chances are that the music you listen to hits nearly every genre known to man.
You either become utterly obsessed over something, or remain completely disinterested.
Food. If any shape or form isn't safe around you.
Caffeine is a large part of your diet, which is impressive considering your ability to shovel food in.
Three words: Bitchy. Resting. Face.
Disney anything. Followed by a horror movie is normal.
Nicholas Sparks anything is not to be watched.
War movies are acceptable viewing material anytime.
Christmas music belongs in the same box of shame as the twilight series. (Mind Two: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!)
Dressing attractively will not happen me than two days in a row.
Dressing like a homeless grandmother will happen for weeks on end and that's okay.
Diet, fat-free, sugar-free, or anything along those lines will not be eaten. Take your calories like a real woman.
Sexual jokes will be made, in every conversation.
Having a brain to mouth filter hasn't happened since the first grade.
Locking yourself in your room and watching days of netflix on end is perfectly fine. In fact if you don't do this, something is probably wrong.
Everything is better with music. Everything. Whilst listening to music worlds could be won.

 

Mind two:
Lipgloss. If you also own 40 tubes of lipgloss, but have worn two of them maybe once, we could be friends.

If you believe a can of frosting is a perfectly acceptable food choice, we can be friends.

If the only things you enjoy about fall are pie and hot coffee, we can be friends.

If you like country music, we can be friends.

If you are ok with sexual jokes, we can be friends. Because if you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit, I will come crashing through it like the kool-aid man.

If you like to discuss the things you see on pinterest, FUCK YES WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

If you are not opposed to swearing, excessively, we can be friends.

If you make me food, we can be friends. But not cupcakes. Because I am the fucking queen of making cupcakes and if you try to take my crown I will stab you with it and then wipe the blood off on my apron.

Also you can't be opposed to slightly graphic descriptions. Of anything.

And if you bring me coffee without me asking you, I will automatically love you forever and ever.

Reasons why I will be a soldier, not a teacher.

Mind one.
The other day someone informed me that I would be a great teacher. After I finished laughing hysterically, I proceeded to destroy that idea. I would not be a good teacher. And here is why.

1. I would not deal with skipping class.

2. I'd be the asshole teacher that when a kid did skip my class I would have a pop quiz. Worth like thirty points, and it wouldn't be something you could make up later unless you had an excused absence. And the questions would be things like. "What color is my shirt? What is the color of the ceiling? What are the colors of the American flag?"

3.

Mind two:

Honestly,  I would be anything that let's me wear a crown.

What It's Like To Be a Senior in High School. (The unedited, non-Hallmark version)

Mind one.
Growing up as kids, we were force fed ideas of how High School would be amazing. It's an epic four year journey. You're Frodo Baggins and your friends are the fellowship. Following that analogy, Mount Doom is graduation, and senior project is the One Ring. (Sidenote here: I'm not Frodo. I hate him. Sam deserves all the credit. But that is a debate for another time. I'm more like Legolas. I do cool shit and don't talk a lot, and get things done. Mind two is my Gimli.) Halmark and Lifetime and Disney have been shoveling heartfelt, well meaning, changing point in your life crap down our throats since birth. I feel like I should make some attempt, here in the last year of my High School education, to explain why High School is not like the movies.

To start off with, once you hit high school, everyone becomes deeply concerned with your emotions. You'll be approached by more than one person, likely more than once, with things like. "Ready for all those hormones?" "Just stay positive, it's a rough time." or "Don't be afraid to talk to me, I'm here." And all of that sounds great. Until you tell them that you're fine, everything's good. Then they give you skeptical looks. Like come on kid, don't lie, tell me what's wrong. They are almost disappointed that you don't have something wrong with you. This will continue your whole high school career. In fact, pretty much your entire existance as a teenager will be filled with people being overly interested in how you feel. Here is my advice on this:

• When people genuinely care about you and are concerned, talk to them. Free all those emotions, because the will bottle up to the point where you just angst your way around. 

• If you are happy, just doing fine. Tell people that. Even if they don't believe you. 
• If you are not happy. And not doing fine. Tell someone. Someone you trust. Because angsting alone is just not very much fun. Your best friend is a good choice here. Because you can angst together.

• There is a 10,000% chance that at some point your emotional levels will be flatter than the plains of Oklahoma. If you are anything like me that will be your emotional standpoint for 98% of high school. I didn't give a damn. Still don't. About most anything or anyone. I don't exactly recommend this because at some point this state of no emotion (except anger, you'll still be able to be pissed off.), will crack and you'll be drowning in feels with no way out. And unlike everyone else who has been suffering a roller coaster of emotions through out high school, you don't know how to deal with feelings. Feel a spark of empathy for a character in a book? What is this madness, what is feelings, what is, what. So once again, I don't recommend genocide on your emotions. It makes things easier in the short run, but in the long run you will have to deal with them.

Secondly, brace yourself because the hormones really are coming. Everyone gets impacted in different. I'll keep using my personal experiences as an example. The only real difference I noticed, was just amplification. I already didn't give a damn, but now I didn't give a damn more. I also became more sarcastic, and all over I became the poster child for teenage passive aggressive rage. Which really just means that I didn't care about things, unless I had been annoyed enough, then I hated them.

Hormones affected my classmates in various ways. For some people they had enough feels for everyone in the world. Seriously, they would be nearly hysteric over someone else's breakup.

For some, they discovered their genitals and proceeded to hump everything in sight.

Others acted out.

The last two are not recommended. Basically, don't set expectations for high school based on other peoples horror stories. Just run with it. What happens to you, can be the exact opposite of what happened to me. There is no right and wrong here. There is only survive.

I could keep going, but really it's just more of the same idea. Every single person is unique, and every single high school experience will be unique. If you judge yourself off of other peoples expectations, you will fail every time. Set your own standards and live up to them, it won't always be easy, but just remember. When you graduate high school STD free, childless, clean and sober, without an addiction to anything rougher than sugar and caffeine, and you go off and start a life, saying no to parties was really the best choice. Remember kids, herpes and children are forever.
 MIND TWO YOUR TURN.

Mind Two:

SENIORITIS. SUCKS. BALLS. I NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING EVER. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. WHICH IS WHY I'M WRITING THIS INSTEAD OF STUDYING. 

Also, by high school you should have learned some grammar, like how to properly capitalize a title, for instance...Mind One. (M1. I have you here to peer edit for a reason.)

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Teen Code

Mind one.
For those of you who don't know, there is a series on MTV called Guy Code and its literally just a bunch of dudes sitting around talking about the do's and don't's of being a man. Now there is a Girl Code and surprise surprise, its a bunch of girls sitting around talking about the do's and don't's of being a lady. But, a whole lot of the "rules" really only apply to older teens and the twenty somethings. So here my friends is a teen code, just for you. From the minds, and maybe a few guest stars.

Mind one's code.
#1. Never, and I repeat never, date someone whom your friend has dated. First off, it really is like kissing that friend. Secondly, no matter how cool with it they say they are, they are not cool with it. They are anything but cool with it.
#2. Lets talk about fashion eh? Welcome to America! (Unless you are a foreign reader, then so sorry.) People really can dress any way they want. No matter how stupid you think someone looks, you look just as stupid to them. Side note, ladies, don't tell your boyfriend how to dress, he is your man, not your barbie.
#3. A car is a car. No matter how crappy, and believe me, I know a crappy car. It's still a mode of transportation. You'll notice that the only people that complain about the quality of a car, is someone who doesn't have one. Don't be that guy. Or girl. Just. Don't.
#4. Dating. Today's society has relaxed about this. People are dating younger and younger, but I think that we probably shouldn't refer to two thirteen year olds sharing popcorn at a middle school basketball game as "dating". And we also shouldn't refer to a twenty year old sharing the sheets with a fifteen year old as anything other than jail-time.
#5. Music. Yes, I know. You really like that new rap song, and that's cool. I'll be in the background with Nirvana in my headphones. WE ALL LISTEN TO DIFFERENT THINGS. Give different genres a chance. You never know when you might find something you like. Don't be the hipster. Don't be the mainstream fag. Just listen to whatever works for you.
#6. Best friends. Everyone has theirs. Some people have two. I have two. Some people have like, ten. It's been my experience that the more people you call best friend, the more the quality of these friends goes downhill. I've got mind two and the troll. We can all hang out together, and I can hang out with each of them separately. Don't try to come between best friends. That is the fastest way to piss some one the hell off. You'll either end up with both of them hating you, or with one as your friend and discovering that you two really don't work that well as friends. Let them be. Find your own friend before you start trying to steal others.
#7. Parties. Yes, they happen. Yes people go to them. Don't be that person that goes to every party. Don't be the person that only wants to party. Other things exist in this world than getting wasted. Try to act your age and go to the movies or something. There will be plenty of time for getting shit faced in college, and after. Be a teenager. Go angst over some things.
#8. Stereo-typing. Don't. Just don't. No one person fits completely into a stereotype. I've got friends that are cowboys, that play gangster rap. Friends that wear skinny jeans, listen to metal, and are some of the nicest people I've ever met. You can't label a person, it wont ever work.
#9. Make your own decisions. I know this is preached at kids everywhere from the time they stopped shitting their pants. And still, there aren't a whole lot of people in this world that can man up, and make a choice on their own. I'm not talking about "Should I have american or swiss on my subway?", I'm talking about choices that are going to shape the rest of your life. Listen to other peoples opinions, get advice from people with different points of view, but at the end of the day, think for yourself.
#10. Let people make their own decisions. Live your own life, and let other people live theirs. It is fine to give people advice, but keep it at that. Opinions are fine, just remember that everyone else will have one. No matter how sure you are that you know better, you don't. You know best for you. And they know best for them. Know how to drop the subject, and stop trying to think for other people.
#11. If you own any piece of clothing that is see-through i.e. dresses, pants, spandex, shorts, shirts, or a toga. WEAR SOMETHING UNDERNEATH. AIN'T NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR, OR YOUR "BUSINESS". AIN'T NOBODY.
#12. Know how to pick your battles. And know when you have lost. Don't be that person that reverts to insults and random hand gestures after you've been schooled. Just don't.
#13. Ladies. Lipstick. Special occasions only. Not one of you needs to be wearing bright red lipstick to high school Monday morning. Know how to use your makeup. Fancy makeup for fancy clothes. Tone it down for casual wear. And just say no to it when you dress like a homeless grandma. (Mind Two cutting in: Are you saying I shouldn't wear makeup??? Mind one back at you: Are you saying you ever wear anything more than mascara??? You're naturally pretty. Now take your compliment and go. <3)
#14. Ladies again. If you do your hair, do your goddamn makeup. Nothing looks stranger than walking behind a girl who's hair looks great, then she turns around and bam! you have to repress the urge to go full Buffy on her, because her face is pale, her eyes are sunken into her head and basically she looks like Kristen Stewart.
#15. Dudes. For the love of all that is holy...COVER YOUR ASSES UP. It's okay to wear your pants low. It's alright to sag them a tiny bit. If you are belting your pants just below your ass, I'm going to put on my hazmat suit and kick your ass. Because its hanging out. Did you know that wearing your pants like that originated in prison? Men would sag their pants as a sign to the other inmates that they were "open for business" so unless you want a six foot four Mr. T look alike calling you darling, pull that shit up.


Mind Two:
#1. Unless they are your best friend, you have no right to tell them anything about their relationship. Even if you are the BFF, that line is still sketchy. Unless he is a total creep or an asshole, you should probably just let them be happy.

#2. Ok so I kind of suck at coming up with this stuff on my own. I am going to take the cheater's way out and just revamp some of it so it is better suited for teens. I am so creative.

#2 (for real). Tights are not pants. Leggings are not pants. You know what they would be called if they were? Pants.

#3. Never go overboard on the makeup. There will be some point in your life when you have to take most of it off in front of that person you were trying to impress. And then what are you going to do? They are going to know that you are ugly as hell and that you are insecure and feel like you have to make yourself into a different person, and there goes the whole relationship. Down the drain. Plus, other girls can totally tell when you are wearing a shit-ton of makeup.

#4. Why does almost every girl in high school feel the need to workout. Or college? Some say it makes them feel good. What?! It always makes me feel like I am about to vomit and pass out.

#5. If you cried over a guy, your friend dating them is out of the question. If they cheated on you and your friend still wants to date them, let the stupid ho figure it out for herself.

#6. Guys, if you like a girl, tell her she's pretty. Even better, compliment her hair. Unless it's in a ponytail, guaranteed she spent at least an hour on it.

#7. Don't touch a girl's hair. There is no reason that a girl would waste an hour of her morning on her hair if she knew it would just get messed up soon. So just don't.

#8. Mascara face. Every girl has one. It's just the best way to apply mascara. And if a girl tells you she doesn't, she is a dirty rotten liar.

#9. If you tell a guy that you are jealous and he asks what he can do differently, marry him. Marry him right now.

#10. If you have a guy friend who is attractive, be prepared to like them at least a little bit. No matter how much you tell yourself you never will, it will happen eventually. Especially if you talk to him all the time.

#11. Getting back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend. Never a good idea. If it didn't work out the first time, what the hell makes you think it will this time? Unless there is a completely valid reason, like you moved away and then moved back and there are still sparks, just don't do it.