17 Reasons Mind Two Does Not Play Football

Mind Two:
Mind One is going to kill me for saying this, but I really hate football. Like a lot. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Why do they always feel the need to stare each other down before they start the play?


And why do they always have to call time when one little guy gets knocked down? Can't they just let them fight it out?


I also don't understand the hand signals the referees use.

What is this supposed to mean?


"Do some pull-ups and stop being a wuss!"


Walk like an Egyptian.

GOAL! We won!


I can't watch! It's too horrible!

GO SIT IN THE TIME OUT CORNER! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TACKLE THAT GUY!

And then you grab the other players wrist, like this, and nicely walk him back to his end of the field.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! THIS is how you're supposed to hold the ball!

If I hold my arms like this, I can deflect all the fans whiny bitching, Wonder Woman style. DEFLECT!

This is a shitty game. ANYONE come pick me up!

High fives all around!

This is the west side, bitch!

OHHHH SAY CAN YOU SEEEE BY THE DAWNS EARLY LIGHT. Looks like someone was jealous of Beyoncé.

OH MY GOD PASS IT I"M OPEN!

I don't even know what is happening! Let's just free hand this one!

Ummm, I have a question.

Reasons Dirty Dancing is the Worst Movie Ever

Mind Two:
I will never be able to crawl around on the floor and sing "Baaabbbbbyyyy" while Patrick Swayze just stares at me all sexy.


In the sexiest black tank top ever.


I will never get to see this in real life.


Nor will Patrick Swayze ever teach me how to dance/dry hump.



He will never let me put my arm around him while we contemplate deep and meaningful things. Never.

Patrick Swayze will never randomly pull me up on stage to dance with me and romantically kiss my hand in front of the whole entire world, including my parents.



He will never let me grab his perfectly toned abdomen when I am about to fall off a tree.



He will never be looking only at me while a scantily clad woman dances RIGHT BEHIND ME.


He will never lift me out of the water above his head, nor will I ever be able to fall on top of him.


He will also never run his hands down my side and make me laugh because I am ticklish.





Patrick Swayze will never tell me to keep in my own dancers space, because I will never be that close to him.


Patrick Swayze will never say to me "Nobody puts baby in a corner". Never.


He will never hold me while he is shirtless.


I HATE MY LIFE.

20 reasons why Mind one does not play baseball.

M1.
The other day I went with mind two to watch fat jesus play baseball. Because I'm an amazing friend like that. And all through out the game, while they kicked major league ass, all I could think is "holy shit this is not my sport." Now don't get me wrong, I love baseball, and have a grasp on the rules and what not because my dad is a Red Sox fan, and raised me to be one as well. Also, to hell with the Yankee's.

 But I could never play baseball, I mean I really sucked at T-ball. The ball just sits there. I couldn't even hit the ball, I hit the Tee ever single freaking time. But here is a list of reasons why I don't play baseball.

1. I would react badly to every ball I missed.


2. I can't hit a stationary ball, so one coming at me at ninety plus miles per hour. No bueno.


3. I can't catch for shit, but I would try really hard. And end up in the stands every time.


4. If I actually managed to hit a ball, and try to get on base, I'd end up running into people.


5. My team would pity me, and let me pitch once.


6. Even though I would never hit a pitch, I would throw the bat every time.


7. I have no idea how to hold a bat. Or where to stand in relation to home plate.


8. Did I mention I can't catch?


9. What the hell do all these fancy hand signals even mean? How am I supposed to memorize this thirty second long pattern of you hitting your body in various areas? Was that the Macarena?


10. I would get depressed that I suck, and someone would try to comfort me.


11. On the off chance I was like a base runner or something for someone else, the baseman would be a ninja.


12. I would try to help in situations where I should just sit down and play with the field.


13. I would laugh hysterically every time someone got hurt.


14. I would get kicked off the team, and have to work as a grounds keeper.


15. I react badly to losing.


16. I would get tired of the catchers mouth.


17. Miracles do happen, and I could hit a home run, but when I tried to run the bases...


18. I just really love the Red Sox, and react a lot like this when they win.


19. Maybe I could be a team manager, but then the ump would really make me mad, and I'd have to throw a grenade at him.


And finally. Number twenty.
20. If I played I wouldn't be able to devote so much time to hating the Yankee's, and their entire fan base, and city.






BONUS.
21. THIS WILL BE MY CHILD.