Letters From Basic

Mind Two:
So Mind One went to Basic Training for the army this summer. The Mind's were separated for quite some time and it pretty much sucked. Mind One couldn't text me every second of every day like normal. So we were reserved to writing letters. And we always had lots to say. However, there are certain ways you talk to your best friend and Mind One and I were no different. We always had inappropriate but hilarious stories to share with each other. Communicating through letters was no different. Which is why I feel the need to share a few of the gems Mind One has written me over the summer. I won't share the whole letter cause privacy and just a warning, most of the things Mind One and I say to each other are offensive, so if you don't like language stop reading right now. But you're missing out because Mind One and I are frickin hilarious.

Letter #1 (June 23rd, 2014)
I'm on fireguard right now, which is Army speak for "wake up and stay up for 1 hour because fuck sleep".
So far Basic doesn't suck quite as much dick as I was afraid of.
P.S. Pulling fire guard makes me want to suck start an M16.

Letter #2 (June 7th, 2014)
I'm writing this after lights out and a drill sergeant just came in and flipped shit.
Now I can't have my flashlight on so I'm writing and reading by the light of the exit sign.
P.S. I ripped skin off my middle finger today on Treadwell Tower.

Letter #3 (July 4th, 2014)
As Drill Sergeant Melnyk said, "Happy fuck England day privates!"
Also remember, the only people that get their happy endings without a rocky road are ignorant bitches.
Yesterday I had my first drill sergeant screaming in my face incident. There were 2 and guess what they were yelling about? Top Gun. The fucking movie. What even is my life?

Letter #4 (July 11th, 2014)
I named my M16 Irene. And I zeroed her in today. Me and Irene are gonna tear shit up mother fucker.

Letter #5 (July 17th, 2014)
I ghetto rigged coffee today at lunch. Instant coffee and creamer and sugar. It was awful, and wonderful. I need coffee and a fucking month away from all these females. Sweet sugar tits. Today was not a good day.
FYI there is a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that our drill sergeant told us about today. (You can bet your sweet ass Mind Two will find this book and read it!)

Letter #6 (July 18th, 2014)
Throat punch that girl. Fucking stomp a mudhole in her ass. Nuke her until she glows, then shoot her in the dark. Punch her so hard in the chest her heart stops and she dies.

Letter #7 (August 2nd, 2014)
You're taking your sweet ass time to send me another letter shit bag.
There are 2 certified Africans from Africa. And they speak fucking horse shit languages and it ruins my day.
Can I still kill her? I know like 8 different ways now. Army certified.
I'm going to the Wiccan ceremony tomorrow cause it's a holiday and we'll get cookies and shit. Some real black and ghetto girls want me to learn how to twerk.

Letter #8 ( August 10th, 2014)
Fun fact: Bacon every day here. But the pancakes are bullshit.
I NEED COFFEE! HOLY SHIT TITS.
Story on this page AKA the time a giant moth almost ruined my Army career. (This is Mind Two's favorite story). There are fucking huge moths here. They're called Wolf Moths. I saw one where each wing was the size of my hand. My. Giant. Man. Hand. Each wing. I nearly shit all over during PT. The first sergeant is standing in front of me and I'm at attention. Out of my peripheral vision, I see this big ass flying...thing. And in my head I'm all, "Bat! fuck fuck fuck". On the outside I was all position of attention soldier face. Then it gets a little closer. And it's a giant moth. Like Mothzilla flying near my first sergeant's head. So I did what any reasonable private would have done. I made a purdy disgusted face. Which made the first sergeant follow my eye line. He sees Satan's pet moth hovering over his shoulder, looks back at me, and makes the same face. So the first sergeant and I are basically like this:

So I panic. And I look to the center of the PT formation and all I see is 2 of my drill sergeant's fucking staring at this moth and backing up and covering their faces. Later I ask my roommate and THEY FUCKING FLY AT PEOPLE'S FACES AND THEY BITE AND THEY GET EVEN BIGGER. LIKE ONE WING=ONE PAGE OF A PIECE OF PAPER. FUCK OKLAHOMA.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I had to look forward to every week. Don't you wish your best friend was as funny as mine?

Mind Two vs. Biology 181

Mind Two:
Guess who is in Arizona, just like Mind Two? That's right! Mind One! We are officially in the same state again! And thank God for that because I am lost without my other mind. Literally. Last Thursday was the official start of classes for me. I have 18 credits this semester, which is a lot, including two science classes. Friday I had my first Biology class. I sat through another hour of a different teacher explaining a very similar syllabus to all the other ones. But this teacher was different. She was sarcastic and kind of cranky and has bitchy resting face and loves to eat and sleep. She is basically both of the Minds wrapped into one wonderful person. Towards the end of class, she lectured a little bit. About genetics. And I thought, "Damn, I'm a freshman in a genetics biology class. I'm so fricken smart." Nowhere along the line did it occur to me that this class was actually pretty advanced. When I got back to my dorm, I tried to register for the online homework, only I kept getting an error message. I finally emailed my teacher about it and she responded saying that there was no Shania in her class roster. So I got to looking around and saw that my online schedule said something different from the printed schedule they gave me at orientation. Awesome. So I emailed a few people and for my very first biology class as a freshman in college, I went to the wrong class. Fricken wonderful. I guess tomorrow I will go to my real biology class and see what that one is like. Probably not as cool of a teacher. Damn.

Since Mind One has been transferred to Arizona, she now has computer access. Which means you guys can hear both of the Minds stories again and you don't have to listen to me ramble on about meaningless stuff that I think is funny. Normally Mind One is here to give me the veto. Don't worry, she will probably have her computer within the week. So she can keep me in check and come up with better titles.

To finish this off, I will share with you the best advice I have ever gotten from a beer bottle.

Spider: One/Mind Two: Zero

Mind Two:
Another thing I am scared of: spiders. "Little pieces of death wrapped in scary." Although I don't know anyone who actually likes spiders, I am completely terrified of them. They gross me out and are just plain creepy. So now let me tell you a little story called "The Time I Stood Up To a Spider (and Almost Killed Myself)".

One morning I was getting ready for school. As I was getting ready to leave my room to go eat breakfast, I realized I forgot to turn off the light in my bedroom. I turned around to head back up the stairs and BOOM! There it was. The spider. Looking at me all creepy with its 16 billion eyes. And in that moment, I decided something. I would face my fear and I will kill that spider. Then I had to give myself an inspirational speech, which went like this:

"Today is the day, spider. I will rise up, and I will CRUCIFY HIIIMMMM!!!"



Then I stood like that for a couple seconds and got myself prepared.
I took my shoe off, raised it above my head, about to crush the evil spider, and then it happened.

THE SPIDER FUCKING MOVED!

I screamed and threw my shoe at the spider, getting ready to run for my life.

I turned to run back down the stairs and grabbed the railing. As I was running down the stairs, my hand wasn't moving as fast as my feet, so instead of going straight down the stairs, I swung around and slammed my head into the wall. Which is how Mind Two got a giant bruise on her forehead for a week and also why whenever I see a spider now, I just scream until someone comes to kill it for me.

Redheads Do It Better

Mind two:

Mind one was right. I did forget what this post was going to be about. But if it's in neon, then it must be true!

Oh well. I am going to turn it into an update post. So here's what happened.  Mind One and I haven't posted anything lately and we are incredibly sorry. Mind One is in the military now, as I have mentioned before. She passed her PT test at Basic Training, which means she is now allowed to graduate! I'm so proud of her. I sent her a graduation card. I promised her I would keep the blog going while she was away and I hate to admit I have been slacking. But in my defense, I have been trying to get ready for college.  Arizona, a thousand miles away from home. Just to let you know, college is one of the scariest and most exciting experiences in the world. Don't stay near your hometown. This is pretty much your one chance to go wherever you want.

Oh and I remembered what this post was going to be about. 

If any of you have ever met a redhead, you know that we tend to be little hotheaded pistols with enough attitude for all of Jersey. As is the case for Mind One and I (both redheads). Let me give you an example. The other day, I was playing at a tennis match. Districts actually. And the other team was being super bitchy. Asking if we were sure about calls and calling a few that were in, out. So the redhead in me was starting to show in more places than just my hair. And when they asked about a call we made that was very clearly out, I turned around and said "Honey, it was out by about two feet." And that is how I got a line judge called on my partner and I at tennis districts. Be warned, us redheads are bad at controlling our temper and our mouth. I wouldn't take a chance on messing with one.

Life Lessons/ Senior Quotes

Mind Two:
Guess what?!
MIND ONE AND I ARE SENIORS!!!!!
And since we are officially the upperclassmen and about to embark upon the wonderful journey of life, I think it's time to share some things we learned with you. Pretty much just an add on to Teen Code.
I'll go first.

Life is like spicy food. What you do today, might burn you in the ass tomorrow. (Stolen from The Boy Who Ripped His Pants!)

There is always an appropriate time for a Harry Potter reference. ALWAYS.

Trading your heart for another liver, so you can drink more and care less might sound appealing, but it probably won't happen, so man up and face your problems. But if you do find a way for this option to work, let me know.

Do not have a huge list of attractive items in a girl. This isn't Build a Bitch Workshop. Find someone you can talk to and care about.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin. And muffins are healthy. So eat a cupcake every now and then, for health reasons.

If anyone ever tells you that you put too much parmesan on your spaghetti, you stop being friends with them. Right that second. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

If someone breaks your heart, don't dwell on it and be sad.

Coffee totally counts as a vegetable, and I feel completely justified with my lifestyle choices.

Everybody has bad days.

Some people aren't idiots, they just do a lot of dumb stuff.

It's always a good idea to make friends with your lab partner. It's easier to forgive a friend for almost accidently blowing you up.

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

If someone calls you ugly, give them a hug. Life is hard for the visually impaired.

Shorts are pants made awesome.

Spiders are little pieces of death wrapped in scary and it is perfectly acceptable to scream when you see one.

Always shoot for the stars, because even if you miss, you're in freaking space!

Plus side of living in a small town: if you don't have your life figured out, ask someone else. They will know!

Be fucking polite.

Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows tell you shit about life.

It's just a penis. Can't be any worse for you than smoking.
(Mind One was clearly impressed with this one)

If no one from the future comes to stop you from doing it, how bad of a decision can it really be?

Take life as it comes in your face and runs down your chin.

Mind one.

For some reason our school decided that we seniors didn't need to leave senior quotes in the yearbook, so mind two and I are compiling a list of wisdom to leave behind for future generations.

Sex in empty classrooms is reserved for upper classmen.

Pooping is for at home, no shitting at school.

Treat the hallways like a road, stay to the right or be run over by a senior much bigger than you.

Pick a teacher to depend on, because having an adult to depend on at school is fantastic.

Don't trust anyone. Don't leave your homework with a friend, and don't trust the people in your group for projects.

Dress code will be enforced roughly four weeks out of the year, two at the beginning and two at the end, don't use this as an excuse to dress like a whore.

There will be teachers you hate with an all consuming passion, passive aggressive sarcasm is a good outlet.

Be nice to the janitor, they are people too, and I go out of my way to say hello at least once a day.

Shower, every day. The middle school days of drenching yourself in Axe or perfume are over.

There are classes where doing all of the homework will do absolutely nothing for your grade.

There are classes where doing the homework will be the only thing to save your grade.

The librarian is actually the devil incarnate. 

Don't worry yourself about being popular, because the only thing that spreads faster than drama in the in circle of any school is the STD's.

It's the job of a senior to not give a shit, don't take it personally.

High school relationships are like taco bell, it seems like a good idea at first, until you end up sobbing on the toilet.

It's easiest to just not eat the school food, bag lunch it until you can leave for food.

There are places in the school that will creep you out, and those places will not get any less creepy.

Don't set your heart on a perfect ideal of high school, by senior year you will be miles away from it.

Listen to your gut, always.

PDA in the halls between every class will get you yelled at by staff, and slammed into lockers by students.

Netflix is your best friend and worst enemy. 

Don't drive like an asshole in the parking lot.

Having a nice jacked up truck in high school is just about as important as snowboots in the Sahara. 

It's easier to be the honest asshole, than the lying saint.

Sorry not sorry

Mind two.
So mind one left for basic training for national guard. Which means mind two has the blog all to herself. Which means that there is no mind one to stop mind two  from posting some things which probably don't need to be posted. Also sometimes it's late at night and I get a lot of feelings and I project them onto mind one but I can't really do that now so they will probably end up on here or on Twitter. So bear with me for a couple months and we can get through this together. And when she gets back I know she will be like what the fuck. Mind two fucked this whole thing up and she will fix it. So I'm really just apologizing in advance.

The Greatest Insults Of All Time.

Mind one.
I'm a really angry person a lot of the time, and so I shall compile a list of the greatest insults ever. Both original and quoted. Pictures and just words.

"Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory."
"Shut up! You'll never be half the man your mother is."
"You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!"
"If I had a dick this is where I would tell you to suck it." (Betty White ladies and gentlemen)
"If I had a dog as ugly as you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards."
"You're so ugly even Chris Brown wouldn't hit that."
"If I wanted a joke I would of followed you into the john and watched you take a leak."
“I don’t give a tuppeny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit sack.”
“You’re an emotional fucking cripple. Your soul is dogshit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.”
"You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humour and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick."
"I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon."
"You know, I'd almost forgotten what your eyes looked like. Still the same. Pissholes in the snow."
"It was nothing like that, penis-breath!”
"You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole."
"I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
"You're just the afterbirth, Eli, slithered out on your mother's filth. They should have put you in glass jar on a mantelpiece."
"Even if I were blind, desperate, starved and begging for it on a desert island, you'd be the last thing I'd ever fuck."
"You're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty."
"I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?"
"Hey, ASSBUTT."
"Fuck face, fuck weasel, fuck stain, fuck stick, fuck wit, fucking fucker fuck."
"You are the  biggest douche I've ever encountered. Even Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't douche with you."

Mind Two:
"You weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling, were you?"
"Looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin."
"You are proof that evolution can go in reverse."
"I'm going to throw a water balloon at you. Like, I don't want to hurt to you, but I do want to ruin your day."
"Learn from your parents mistakes. Use birth control."
"I tried to see things from your point of view, but I couldn't get my head that far up my ass."
"Don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street."
"Just because you put a pretty shirt over your muffin top does not make it a cupcake."
"You're a smelly pirate hooker."
"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?"
"Bitch, I don't wanna talk to you. You a bitch. And a slut!"
"I hate your stinking guts. You are the scum between my toes. You make me vomit."
"You sissified tweety bird." (m1. This gets me...)
"Who you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?"
"Chicken legs! Say that to my face, you limp noodle!"
"I've had a perfectly lovely evening. But this wasn't it."
"Your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork."