"I was inverted"

Mind one.

If you know what this post is going to be about just from the title, good for you, if not you better fasten your seatbelts.

Top Gun. It's a classic movie, with all the critical components that make a movie awesome. There's action, there's romance, there's a whole lot of sass from all of the characters. Plus, there's a Top Gun quote for every occasion. Don't believe me? Then keep reading.

My first story regarding this movie happened at Basic (yes I know, ugh another Basic story, just let it happen). This is the one and only time I was ever singled out and yelled at during basic. And it was about Top Gun. I know. I didn't understand either. To make a long story shorter and funnier, I'll skip some bits. It all began with one DS introducing himself for no apparent reason as Maverick. He insisted we call him Maverick for the rest of the day. (Cue every private squinting at each other suspiciously.)
Unfortunately, I chose this moment to lose my damn mind and blurt out, "Maverick? Did your mother not like you or something?"
In the beat of silence that followed, I knew I had fucked up. I fucked up real bad.
Like a goddamn missile DS "Mav" came barreling through my platoons formation and got right in my face.
"What did you just say?"
Shit. There's a few options to answer that question and all of them ended badly. I opted for honesty, which in the end saved my pathetic ass from annihilation.
"Drill Sergeant, I said 'Maverick? Did your mother not like you or something?'"
Another beat of silence, and then DS #2 a.k.a. Iceman appeared behind me.

"Mav": "This private thinks she knows Top Gun Ice."
"Ice": "Bullshit"

What followed was about five minutes of two DS's screaming Top Gun quotes at me, and me scrambling to come up with the corresponding quote. If I was right, nothing happened. If I got it wrong, the whole battery would be beating their faces in the dirt. How's that for motivation?
Luckily for me, and the rest of the battery, I know that movie like the back of my hand.
From that day forward, I was known as the residential Top Gun expert, and also as "That asshole that almost got us smoked all day because of a fucking movie."

I'm not sorry.

Although, you'd think I would of learned my lesson about quoting movies in the military. I absolutely did not. The reactions I get are always perfect.

At NTC while discussing how to load the vehicle with the metric fuckton of gear
Me: "Talk to me goose."
The look I was given:

At a drill weekend, when a soldier was discussing a fight he had with his wife.

Me; "She's lost that loving feeling, I hate when she does that."

The reaction from my section: Three disgruntled expressions, and one Gibbs slap. 

At NTC while driving an officer around.

Me: "I've got the need."

Officer: "The need for speed."

*high five*

This was followed by a soul deep sigh from the second officer in the back seat. 

There's been no purpose to this post, and there wasn't supposed to be. The only take away is this, watch Top Gun and spread cheer to all you know by quoting it at all times appropriate or not. 

Mind Two:

I also tend to quote shows at inappropriate. Except at least Mind One picks a show that most people will know. I usually end up quoting something super obscure or even if it is from a famous movie, it's a part no one remembers. Let me give you some examples.

My brother and I watch this web series called Kid History (on Youtube if you feel the need to watch). There is a part where one character gets a sweater for Christmas and screams it out at the top of his lungs, One time, when I was at the doctor, the nurse handed me the robe to change into, to which I promptly replied, "A NEW SWEATER! OH MY GOSH!!!!" The nurse just stared at me and walked out of the room. So awkward.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AvzaGkekDE

Another time, when I was talking to my friend and we were talking about how bored we were. And I said this: "Yet year after year, it's the same routine

And I grow so weary of the sound of screams
And I, Jack, the Pumpkin King
Have grown so tired of the same old thing" The only thing that saved me was it said Jack the Pumpkin King, which is a giveaway.

I also quote a lot of Disney, which you think people would get. But alas.

When I was walking with my friend, my shoe was untied and she noticed and told me. To which I responded, "I'm a big tough girl. I can tie my own sandals and everything." A quote from Hercules in case you didn't know, like she didn't.

And here is what I say anytime my makeup doesn't turn out perfect. Which is practically everyday.

And what I say to people who ask for ridiculous favors.

And when a friend asks me how their hair looks.

So basically, if you ever hear Mind Two spouting words of what seems like nonsense, it's probably just a random movie quote. Worry not.

Drill Sergeants Love Rabbits

Mind one.
I originally intended to post this right after I got back from AIT and it's just been sitting here, so I present a moderately motivational post for no real damn reason.

Moving on. Now most people don't know this, but before you actually begin basic training, there is a week or so of reception. And reception sucks. So so much. Because you basically get issued a crap ton of clothes, you get poked and prodded by every manner of medical professional possible, and you do a whole lot of sitting around getting yelled at. The DS's (Drill Sergeant's) at reception are 1000x more hateful than the ones at actual training. The DS I remember very vividly from reception is DS H. I'll leave off his whole name because 1. I cannot spell it. And 2. OPSEC.

DS H had a mile wide Colgate commercial worthy smile. He never ever put his teeth away. Even when he would say, "soldiers, I'm going to kick you so hard in the chest that your heart will stop and you will die." he smiled. Which was terrifying. But one thing I remember best from reception is this.

We were marching back from dinner chow. Or trying to, image around two hundred and fifty people trying to stay in step with each other, sound off with the cadence, and not straight fall on their face. Most of these privates had never marched before, so it was just painful all around for everyone. As we are struggling along, all of the sudden DS H calls, "platoon, HALT!". Naturally we stumbled our way to a stop, and stood there in a minor state of panic. The next thing I know, DS H darts past me, whips off his campaign hat and proceeds to yell, "do you see that rabbit soldiers? I'm going to catch it."
...What? You're going to what?
He made a solid effort, hat in one hand, chasing around a baby rabbit. After a good two minutes of chasing the rabbit around buildings, the formation, and through a couple of bushes, he turns back to us, puts his hat on, and nods. At this point we were all caught between wanting to laugh at the sight of a drill sergeant chasing a tiny rabbit frantically, and not wanting to get "nuked so hard you will glow, and then I will shoot you in the dark."

DS H comes to the front of the formation and gave us the most inspirational speech we would hear at reception.

"Soldiers, that baby rabbit is all alone. It's mother is dead on the side of the road. It's foot is broken. But did the baby rabbit want help? Hell no. The baby rabbit keeps on going. If the baby rabbit doesn't need help, neither do you privates. Just remember every time a private quits, a kitten dies." Seemingly pleased with the days work, he called forward march, and that was that.

For those of you who never had a DS, you won't understand how your DS can be the most inspirational figure in your life, while also the most terrifying. I'm not done with DS stories, but that covers it for reception. Because I spent 9 weeks with my Basic DS's I have many more stories, and they impacted me a hell of a lot more. But I can honestly say I will remember DS H chasing a tiny rabbit around the formation for a very long time.

Sherlock is to Watson as Mind one is to Mind two

Mind Two:
This is going to be the post we promised about how Mind One would be Sherlock and I would be her Watson.

Reason #1.
Because Mind One always comes up with ideas, and I always think "This is a really bad idea," and then go ahead and help her out anyway.

Reason #2.

Reason #3.

People often mistake us for being a really cute lesbian couple, WHICH WE ARE NOT.

Reason #4.

But I still love her anyway.

Reason #5.

Sassy McSass pants here, folks.

Reason #6. Because I know how to keep her under control.



Mind one.

Everyone knows Sherlock wouldn't be shit without his Watson, same holds true here because...

1. She keeps me from taking myself too seriously. And we dance like this in the car a lot.

2. I tend to need attention at random times, and she not only tolerates this, but give said attention, with only mild disgruntled expressions.

3. No matter how many times people assume we're lesbians together, she still goes out in public with me, because she's a freaking saint. 

4. I'm a huge jerk, and generally don't care about hurting peoples feelings. Mind two acts as a buffer, apologizer, and filter all at once for which we are all grateful.

5. Many people hear "punch me in the face" while I talk, and she rarely does. So thanks for that.

6. She lets me be an overdramatic asswagon. And if you haven't ever felt the power of whipping a scarf off like this, go do it right now. Feel the power Kronk. 

7. My eating habits closely resemble "unsupervised-five-year-old-at-a-birthday-party" and she tolerates that. Because dipping lime chips in chocolate frosting is fucking delicious.

8. She's mastered the disappointed parent face, which is key because I don't believe in "behaving".

9. I love batman. I am the batman. She has to deal with this.

10. But most importantly my "people skills" are "rusty" and even when I'm trying to help, that element of compassion is missing. She brings that. 

A Not So Gentle Reminder

Mind one.
First off, we are baaaaack. *Insert creepy child voice "They're heeeere."* And while it has been a very long time since we've posted, I'm just here to remind you of a few things in no particular order. See rant below.
1. You all seem to need to revisit that post I made about winter driving. Just because the temperature drops doesn't mean that I.Q, points have to follow. You people are ridiculous. Slow down. Don't drive if you don't have to. And for the love of coffee, WAKE UP BEHIND THE WHEEL. And now follows a story that brought me to revisit this topic.

Mind two and the troll and yours truly were indulging in our annual after christmas shopping spree. For those of you not in the know, the time inbetween christmas and the new years is literally the best sales ever. All of those stores full of crap they ordered to sell for christmas marked way down. It's glorious. However, this isn't exactly a secret, so there is a great many of morons that hit the stores, and by extension the streets at this time. For those of you lucky souls unfamiliar with I-84, just know that its a cluster fuck at the best of times. And so when I witnessed the following event, all I could really do was. Well. This.

A vehicle, presumably something along the lines of a suburban, (It was dark, and I was in shock my observational skills briefly threw all of their files on the floor and had a screaming fit), had missed the exit. Not just the exit, but the asphalt area after it, the sign to the exit and about ten yards of grass, before deciding...

"Fuck it. I'm a god. A god of doing whatever the fuck I please."

They took a hard right up the slope, in the snow and ice and all other manner of cold tomfoolery mother nature shits out in december, engaged four wheel drive and just powered up. They got on the exit ramp and drove on like it was no big deal. However the passengers in my vehicle, and if the flashing break lights and horns were anything to judge, the people occupying the rest of the free way, we all just simultaneously went. 

I'll admit, I forgot to drive for a minute and just stared in abject disbelief. So I'm begging here. If you miss the sodding exit, TAKE THE NEXT ONE. 

2. "Should you be eating that?" Ah this question is an old enemy for females all over. My answer to this question and its infinite variations is usually mature and respectful. Or I shove a full size doughnut into my mouth in one go. Like I said maturity. It takes a full size person mouth and some serious determination to fit a maple bar in my mouth in one piece. I'm the real MVP.

Mind Two: Yes I should be eating that. Because it tastes fucking delicious and salad tastes like sadness. Also, girls get super bitchy when they go on a diet. Is that what you, as a member of the opposite sex, want to have to deal with? No. It is not. You should be impressed your girlfriend can down a giant hamburger and a plate of fries in under half an hour. Girls that eat are the real MVP.

3. "Why are you taking time off?" You know what, you go join the army and spend six months surrounded by privates. And I mean that in the least sexual way possible. For those not in the know. A private is the lowest enlisted member of our glorious army. And that means that 99.99999% of the time, private is synonymous with "full-blown-wind-between-the-ears-idiot". Jokes aside, privates do idiot things, ask idiot questions, and have idiot emotions. I witnessed "grown men" come to blows over M&M's from a MRE. So the answer you nosy bastard, is I am taking time off to decompress, so I don't get into a fist fight the next time a fat woman in a leopard leotard rams her cart into my ankles at the grocery store. It's a public service really. 

4. I have two words that are key to getting along with me. Personal. Space. Seriously, it's a good idea if I don't know and love you to give me my 21 inches, or 21 feet. Here are some warning signs that you've invaded my space and stayed too long.

      1. I'm glaring at you- This is tricky cause I tend to glare at people on default. However the difference between my resting bitch face and an honest glare is the growl. Yeah, sometimes I growl at people. I know its not normal. Shut up.

      2. I've made a few not so subtle attempts to either escape or move you- Did I just dart across the room for no apparent reason? Yes. And it'd be beneficial to your health to let me. Did I just elbow you rather viciously and then insert one of my people between us? Yes, take a freaking hint. 

      3. My phone is very close to my face, and I'm giving off the attitude that I'm solving the cure to cancer right in front of you- It's called avoidance techniques. And I'm honestly thinking about blinding you with the flashlight app. I'm sadistic and have an app for that.

Mind Two:

I am not really sure where Mind One intended to go with this, but I'll get on board with discussing things that irritate me.

1. Please for the love of God stop asking me how college is going. I am a freshman, I have only general ed classes. My grades are good, no, I do not have a boyfriend, yes, I have friends, yes, I like Arizona. Chances are, if I wanted to talk about these things, I would. Better yet, if I wanted you to know, I would have stayed in contact with you when I moved. Understand that when you ask these questions, I will answer with a slightly disgusted look on my face because I HAVE HEARD THEM A MILLION TIMES BEFORE.

2. Stupid made-up words, Guys. It is 2015. Can we please leave those in 2014?

           "Salty" should not EVER be used to describe a person. A person is only salty if you shove a pretzel stick up their ass.

           "Ratchet" is also not a word used to describe people. It is a tool guys. Used to fix things.

           Hashtags. I despise them on Instagram and I especially despise them in conversation. If you ever use the word hashtag in a conversation I will #kickyourassallthewaytoIndia. Fun Fact: that symbol is actually called a pound sign.

           Woman Crush Wednesday and Man Crush Monday. Why are these still happening? Is this really the best you can give your significant other? A photo that has probably already been seen by the entire Facebook population that has that stupid hashtag on it? It's not really a sweet gesture if we have to see it EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

           

General Lee Rides Again

Mind two:
In case you weren't aware, it's rant night for the minds.

So this flag bullshit that Mind One was talking about. I'm here with part two.
The Confederate Flag.

So first of all, the flag y'all are posting isn't even the first Confederate flag. Or the second. Or the third even. It's a battle flag y'all are posting everywhere. The flag of General Lee's unit. (Like the car from Dukes of Hazzard. That has that flag on it).

According to Snopes, the Confederate flag never actually represented slavery or racism. It was just a fucking battle flag. That's it.

" The fact that the Confederate battle flag was never the official national flag of the Confederacy is a technical historical aspect which is of little import today — that flag was nevertheless used by officially sanctioned Army and Navy units that fought in the service of the Confederate government, its Southern Cross design was incorporated into the Confederate national flag, and that banner was popularly recognized and regarded at the time as a symbol of the Confederate nation by the people who lived there."
http://m.snopes.com/2015/06/28/confederate-flag-history/

THIS WAS 150 YEARS AGO. AND WAS ONLY USED BY THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED THERE.
You people posting this stuff about racism and slavery and this flag living in Idaho and Oregon, tell me again how it pertains to you exactly, since YOU HAVE NEVER LIVED IN THE SOUTH AND HAVE PROBABLY NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE. REDNECK DOES NOT MEAN SOUTHERN.

Also, flags are used as symbols, which means they can be interpreted every fucking way. A flag did not start slavery, nor did it end it.

So all you ignorant idiots out there posting stuff about the flag, stop unless you have actually done some research or not slept through every single one of your history classes. I have included some handy links for you in case you need some real reliable sources that aren't 100% bullshit. Enjoy.

I'm just gonna go ahead and leave this here for you.
http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/24/us/confederate-flag-myths-facts/

Mind one.

I'm back again. I'd just like to point out that CNN is defending the Confederate battle flag. Clearly you all should fact check because IT'S A BATTLE FLAG. IT'S NOT A NATIONAL FLAG OF ANYTHING.

The Southern Cross (the proper name for that flag), was a battle flag and the only reason it even exists is because the actual Confederate flag was too similar to the American flag at the time and both sides were getting confused.

In closing, you are all morons. And seriously, do people not have to take history classes???

Rant Incoming

Mind one.
(This post is rated R for swearing, violence, over use of sarcastic quotation marks, and political themes. Viewer discretion is advised.)
ALRIGHT BUCKLE UP BOYS AND GIRLS BECAUSE SHIT'S ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN.

On the off chance you've somehow managed to escape the political shitstorm of the past few days (you lucky bastard) here's a suuuper brief recap.

1. Gay marriage was made legal in all fifty states.
2. The internet literally exploded into a rainbow of fuckery.

Now before I get on my soap box let me knock you off yours.
 I don't really give a shit that gay marriage is legal. It doesn't affect me in the slightest. I am not a homophobe, bigot, ignorant, or any other left wing term generally used to describe people in my situation. 

What does affect me is the blatant disrespect being displayed. 

If I see one more American flag bastardized with a rainbow I'm going to develop a stress ulcer. People do realize defacing the flag is a federal goddamn crime right? But because its "a celebration of equal rights" its okay right? NO. NO IT IS NOT. In the public's excitement to show their pride they are literally trampling all over those that made this event even possible. The American flag isn't just a symbol to be manipulated to fit the needs of a "celebration". It stands for so much more, but that has fallen by the wayside to some. That flag has stood as a symbol of hope and freedom, but in the last year alone it has been treated like a doormat. In case there is any confusion here is a list on what is not okay to do to the American flag.

1. Let it touch the ground. (Which sure as fuck includes standing, walking, stomping, and god forbid dancing on the flag.)
2. Burning the flag for a protest. (The only proper form of disposal of an American flag is to burn it, however that takes place in a respectful ceremony with rigid standards of conduct you fucking swine.)
3. Changing the colors, or pattern of the flag. 

To expand on point three let me share with a direct quote from the United States code title 4 chapter 1- The Flag. (This will be summarized below the quotation for better understanding)

"§3. Use of flag for advertising purposes; mutilation of flag

Any person who, within the District of Columbia, in any manner, for exhibition or display, shall place or cause to be placed any word, figure, mark, picture, design, drawing, or any advertisement of any nature upon any flag, standard, colors, or ensign of the United States of America; or shall expose or cause to be exposed to public view any such flag, standard, colors, or ensign upon which shall have been printed, painted, or otherwise placed, or to which shall be attached, appended, affixed, or annexed any word, figure, mark, picture, design, or drawing, or any advertisement of any nature; or who, within the District of Columbia, shall manufacture, sell, expose for sale, or to public view, or give away or have in possession for sale, or to be given away or for use for any purpose, any article or substance being an article of merchandise, or a receptacle for merchandise or article or thing for carrying or transporting merchandise, upon which shall have been printed, painted, attached, or otherwise placed a representation of any such flag, standard, colors, or ensign, to advertise, call attention to, decorate, mark, or distinguish the article or substance on which so placed shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished by a fine not exceeding $100 or by imprisonment for not more than thirty days, or both, in the discretion of the court. The words "flag, standard, colors, or ensign", as used herein, shall include any flag, standard, colors, ensign, or any picture or representation of either, or of any part or parts of either, made of any substance or represented on any substance, of any size evidently purporting to be either of said flag, standard, colors, or ensign of the United States of America or a picture or a representation of either, upon which shall be shown the colors, the stars and the stripes, in any number of either thereof, or of any part or parts of either, by which the average person seeing the same without deliberation may believe the same to represent the flag, colors, standard, or ensign of the United States of America."

Essentially that giant block of legalese states that placing a design (such as the gay pride rainbow) upon the flag, exposing said altered flag to the public, and manufacturing and selling altered flags will be found guilty of a misdemeanor and punished with a maximum fine of one hundred dollars, or thirty days in jail, or both. This applies not only to physical flags, standards, and ensign, but also pictures and representations of aforementioned items. It doesn't have to be a standard flag either. That's what that last long rambling sentence explains. As long as it contains the colors, and the stars and stripes, in any combination thereof that the average person would believe with out deliberation to represent the flag of the United States of America.

A great deal of thought was put into protecting the American flag. And for good fucking reason. That flag is more than a colorful piece of fabric. It stands as a representation of America as a whole. No caveats. For a group of people within the American public to take the flag and manipulate it into a symbol to further their own agenda isn't just illegal, its morally disgusting. 

(Brief pause for breath)

I could harp on about the significance and symbolism of the flag for years, but there's a couple more points that need to be addressed. So if you're still with me, read on.

There is another picture that is circulating that is deserving on some serious ranting. A group of men, (presumably gay but I'm not going to throw stones), took a rainbow flag on a pole and deemed it wise to reenact the second flag raising on Iwo Jima.

(For those of you unaware the flag was actually raised twice on Iwo Jima and pictures were taken of both. The one that you are familiar with that has become iconic is the second flag raising.)

There are not enough words for the rage, disgust, and disappointment I felt when I saw that picture. Yes, disappointment. Because the legalization of gay marriage was supposed to be a step forward for America. (Or so I'm told. Remember I don't give a shit.) Instead it's been a significant leap back. 

Consider the definition of the word hypocrisy. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Here it is in case you didn't look it up.

"the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense"

I can't even begin to list all the ways that the gay community has demanded respect from the rest of America. And yet in the wake of getting what they wanted they are trampling all over core American beliefs and values.  There isn't even a basis for comparison between World War II and legalizing gay marriage. Is history no longer a required course in high school? Does the public not even realize what WWII was? What it was fought over? The sacrifices that were made? 

Holy fucking shit America. 

I'm going to stop here. But I leave you this to consider.

Is this really the way you want future generations to remember this "monumental occasion"? By desecrating the flag? By making a mockery of the very people that fought to make this even possible? By shitting all over the rest of the American people? After decades of asking everyone else to be conisderate here I am. A straight, white, conservative, soldier, asking for a little consideration in return. Think before you act. If you are so tired of being offended, consider how your actions might offend someone else. 

BECAUSE IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE I'M RATHER OFFENDED. 

Mind Two:
Ditto.
Listen to the soldier people.

50 Shades of Disappointment

*Warning* If you liked 50 Shades of Grey, I do not recommend this blog post, because I am going to rant and destroy that book. It also contains lots of spoilers.

Mind Two:

Remember a couple years ago, when 50 Shades of Grey came out and everyone was obsessed with it? I never read it. But now Mind One has given me access to her kindle because she's a good friend and has convinced me to read the trilogy. So far, I am not impressed and I'm not even finished with the first book. Now since this book is a couple years old, I am sure someone out there has already given it a bad review, but since the movie is about to come out, I feel I should just go ahead and point out all the things wrong with this book.

Book 1.

1. "Inner goddess". If Anastasia Steele says this word one more time, I will scream. "Inner goddess" is not a real thing. Hate to tell you this, Miss Steele, but that inner goddess voice probably just means your crazy.

2. I had a teacher in high school named Mrs. Steele. It really freaks me out when Christian Grey calls Ana that.

3. What about the part where she freaks out about birth control? Why does she need to obsess over it so much? If you forget to take the pill, just take it when you remember and wear a condom for a couple days. Set a fucking reminder on your phone if it is really that difficult for you.

4. How does Ana know this is actually the best sex of her life? She has NO experience. Like, not even hand stuff. Nothing. She's barely ever been kissed and now all of a sudden she's a submissive? Ok, well most people like to start small but whatever Ana. Go ahead and set unrealistic expectations for every girl ever. Because most first times are not that good. And no one waits till they are 22 to lose their virginity anymore. This isn't 1912.

5. Does this book have a plot line? Because I hate to tell you this E.L James, but having sex in every place you can imagine is not a plot line.

6. Oh my Lord I HATE Anastasia Steele. First of all, that is an awful name. Horrible. Does the author of this book realize that when you write your own book, you are allowed to choose literally any name in the world? And out of all the names, she chose Anastasia? That's the name of a friggin' kids movie. And second, Ana is dumber than a box of nails. Do not ask Christian to beat the living shit out of you and then go off crying when he does, you dumb slut.

7. Christian Grey is extremely controlling and creepy. If a man ever tried to tell me what to eat and when to eat and how many times a week I should be exercising, I would be gone so fast.  And what about the part where he just casually breaks into her apartment, and is there waiting for her when she gets home? Does Ana ever question this? No, because she is a dumb slut.
"Christian, why the hell are you in my apartment? I never gave you a key."
"Because I am creepy as all hell, Ana. I just had to see you, so I just broke in here.  Let's pretend it's romantic."
"Ok, Christian. It's romantic and we can have sex now."
*Not a quote from the actual book.

8. Ok Ana. Please stop calling him Fifty. I realize he is 50 shades of fucked up, but that's not exactly a good pet name. And why would you want to be reminded of that anyway?

Book 2.

(0.5-the in-between of the first two books). Ok. So it's totally cool to let someone beat the shit out of you, to physically ask for that, and then run off crying like a little bitch? Wow. Great main character. And 5 days? You really can't go five days without him? And you have all of a sudden stopped eating? Ana, you dumb slut. You left him. Because you can't handle what you asked for. And now your gonna whine about it? I hate Ana so much.

1. Oh my God, Does this book have a plot line? Are my eyes deceiving me? There's like, an actual story developing here.  A creepy ex trying to kill Ana? This is a story I can get behind.

2. Oh, we're back to sex in weird places. (The pool table. Really. Really for real.)

3. Ooh, more almost plot line. Ana almost gets killed! But then it just sort of dissolves. Balls.

4. I learned that this started out as Twilight fanfiction.  Now I understand why the writing is so fucking awful.  Pretty sure my high school essays were better written than this book.

5. Leila (the girl who almost killed Ana) is my new favorite character. Can we go back to her please?

6. Ana almost gets killed by Christian's creepy ex-sub and now Christian wants to marry Ana? Talk about an inappropriate stress reaction.

8. Are you kidding me? Ana is frickin pissed at you Christian and now you want to have sex with her? Sex is not the answer to everything, Try talking for once.

7. Even the emails aren't funny anymore. It's more like Christian being a whiny, needy, little bitch and Ana getting frustrated.

8. YOU DO NOT ASK A GIRL TO MARRY YOU OVER AN EMAIL. OH MY GOD. CHRISTIAN. PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.

9. How is it that so many guys are in love with Ana, one of the most dull, boring, flat characters I have ever heard of, and I am still single?

10. WE GET IT. YOUR IN LOVE WITH CHRISTIAN GREY. CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.

11. Oh, I see. Having a fucked up boyfriend isn't enough. Gotta go ahead and throw a fucked up boss in there too.

12. Hmm. Christian goes missing for not even 12 hours and everyone freaks the fuck out.  And Ana falls apart. Anyone else seeing any relation to Twilight?

13. So a guy asks you to marry him, no ring, no proper proposal, and you just decide to say yes? Fantastic.

14. Can we move past all this stupid-ass jealousy stuff yet?

15. This book is ten-thousand times mushier than the last one and it's grossing me out.

16. THANK YOU ANA'S PARENTS FOR SAYING IT IS TOO SOON TO GET MARRIED.

17. FINALLY a nice proposal from Christian.  Although that part usually comes before the engagement party.

18. Ok seriously the mushiness is making me physically gag. "I love him with all my heart and soul and I like hearts and flowers" Ick.

19. Yay this book is over! Celebration time!

Book 3.

1. Aww fuck. There's another book. Props to E.L James for trying to leave the last book with a cliffhanger.

2. YOU CAN'T DEDICATE A SEX BOOK TO YOUR DAD OMG.

3. Yeah it's real great that you tried to add in some plot with Christian's dark past and all, but you wayyyy over shot it.  Seriously nobody has a past that dark and if they do they usually end up in prison.

4. "She is sunshine. She is light . . . She is his." I'm still gagging over here.  And just so you know, the proper way to write an ellipses is with a space between every dot, which apparently this author doesn't know.

5. Oh so let's just skip the entire wedding scene.  No need to bother with it when you only spend the last half of an entire book talking about it.

6. Oh good.  We actually get a couple paragraphs about the wedding.

7. What is with Ana talking about her inner goddess reading? Like, can we just forget about this dumb inner goddess crap?

8. Christian. Women can drive a goddamn jet ski. It's not a tank. There are 3 security people with her, for fucks sake. Let's drop this creepy, overprotective crap, too.

8. "50 Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is billionaire. If he lived in a trailer house, it would be the next episode of Criminal Minds" THANK YOU TO WHOEVER SAID THIS.

9. You know, it's usually really cute when a guy is overprotective and a little jealous, but it mostly just makes me want to yell at Christian.

10. For fucks sake Christian. You need to take a chill pill and let your wife go to the bar with her goddamn best friend.

11. Every time Christian sounds a little bit angry, Ana freaks the fuck out.  Her heart is always sinking or dropping into her stomach.  That is not the sign of a good relationship.  I understand he is concerned for your safety, but if you have security literally right next to you, I actually do not think it matters one bit.  Ana would probably be less safe in her own, giant home, where security is not right next to her.  Christian, lighten up or I'm gonna start throwing lamps at you.

12. Ok. What is the deal with this Gia chick.  Ana. You are married to apparently the hottest gazillionaire on the planet (although he isn't really that attractive in the movie). GIRLS ARE GOING TO LOOK AT HIM. But you married him. That should be enough for you. He gave a ring and apparently reads you his vows all the fucking time, so can we not with the jealousy bullshit. Stop doubting that he loves you.

13. I really hate this book, but I will power through so I can keep telling my devoted readers just how shitty it is.

14. Ladies, I do not think Ana's methods will bring you a man, If I see anyone acting like her or, God forbid, biting their lip, I will come unglued and smack the shit outta you.

15. Ana. Grow a pair and stop apologizing. For. Every. Little. Thing.

16. For the love of God. Someone please how explain how birth control works to Ana.  If you have lots of sex while using no form of birth control, your chances of getting pregnant are very, very high.  Ana, you dumb slut.

17. Aaaaand of course Christian way over reacts to the pregnancy news.  Sorry that sex is all you two have in common and a baby will disrupt that, but unplanned pregnancies happen all the time, especially when your wife is such a dumbass.

18. Can you stop talking about your subconscious? "My subconscious raises a finely plucked brow at me." I literally give no shits about the voices in your head.

19. Ana you are not good at swearing, Perhaps you should leave it to the professionals.

20. Ana you are getting dumber and dumber as the book goes on. If someone calls you asking for ransom, CALL THE GODDAMN POLICE OR FBI OR SOMETHING AND DO NOT DO ANYTHING BY YOURSELF.

Alright I have finally finished all three books.  I know my comments have been harsh, so I will leave my readers with a happy note. I am a sucker for a happy ending, and the end of this book was the best part. I am no way recomending this to anyone, because it is torture to get to the end, but the ending was nice and I liked it. For everyone else, that suffered the same way I did, I feel your pain. For those of you that liked this series, talk to Mind One.