First off, we are baaaaack. *Insert creepy child voice "They're heeeere."* And while it has been a very long time since we've posted, I'm just here to remind you of a few things in no particular order. See rant below.
1. You all seem to need to revisit that post I made about winter driving. Just because the temperature drops doesn't mean that I.Q, points have to follow. You people are ridiculous. Slow down. Don't drive if you don't have to. And for the love of coffee, WAKE UP BEHIND THE WHEEL. And now follows a story that brought me to revisit this topic.
Mind two and the troll and yours truly were indulging in our annual after christmas shopping spree. For those of you not in the know, the time inbetween christmas and the new years is literally the best sales ever. All of those stores full of crap they ordered to sell for christmas marked way down. It's glorious. However, this isn't exactly a secret, so there is a great many of morons that hit the stores, and by extension the streets at this time. For those of you lucky souls unfamiliar with I-84, just know that its a cluster fuck at the best of times. And so when I witnessed the following event, all I could really do was. Well. This.
A vehicle, presumably something along the lines of a suburban, (It was dark, and I was in shock my observational skills briefly threw all of their files on the floor and had a screaming fit), had missed the exit. Not just the exit, but the asphalt area after it, the sign to the exit and about ten yards of grass, before deciding...
"Fuck it. I'm a god. A god of doing whatever the fuck I please."
They took a hard right up the slope, in the snow and ice and all other manner of cold tomfoolery mother nature shits out in december, engaged four wheel drive and just powered up. They got on the exit ramp and drove on like it was no big deal. However the passengers in my vehicle, and if the flashing break lights and horns were anything to judge, the people occupying the rest of the free way, we all just simultaneously went.
I'll admit, I forgot to drive for a minute and just stared in abject disbelief. So I'm begging here. If you miss the sodding exit, TAKE THE NEXT ONE.
2. "Should you be eating that?" Ah this question is an old enemy for females all over. My answer to this question and its infinite variations is usually mature and respectful. Or I shove a full size doughnut into my mouth in one go. Like I said maturity. It takes a full size person mouth and some serious determination to fit a maple bar in my mouth in one piece. I'm the real MVP.
Mind Two: Yes I should be eating that. Because it tastes fucking delicious and salad tastes like sadness. Also, girls get super bitchy when they go on a diet. Is that what you, as a member of the opposite sex, want to have to deal with? No. It is not. You should be impressed your girlfriend can down a giant hamburger and a plate of fries in under half an hour. Girls that eat are the real MVP.
3. "Why are you taking time off?" You know what, you go join the army and spend six months surrounded by privates. And I mean that in the least sexual way possible. For those not in the know. A private is the lowest enlisted member of our glorious army. And that means that 99.99999% of the time, private is synonymous with "full-blown-wind-between-the-ears-idiot". Jokes aside, privates do idiot things, ask idiot questions, and have idiot emotions. I witnessed "grown men" come to blows over M&M's from a MRE. So the answer you nosy bastard, is I am taking time off to decompress, so I don't get into a fist fight the next time a fat woman in a leopard leotard rams her cart into my ankles at the grocery store. It's a public service really.
4. I have two words that are key to getting along with me. Personal. Space. Seriously, it's a good idea if I don't know and love you to give me my 21 inches, or 21 feet. Here are some warning signs that you've invaded my space and stayed too long.
1. I'm glaring at you- This is tricky cause I tend to glare at people on default. However the difference between my resting bitch face and an honest glare is the growl. Yeah, sometimes I growl at people. I know its not normal. Shut up.
2. I've made a few not so subtle attempts to either escape or move you- Did I just dart across the room for no apparent reason? Yes. And it'd be beneficial to your health to let me. Did I just elbow you rather viciously and then insert one of my people between us? Yes, take a freaking hint.
3. My phone is very close to my face, and I'm giving off the attitude that I'm solving the cure to cancer right in front of you- It's called avoidance techniques. And I'm honestly thinking about blinding you with the flashlight app. I'm sadistic and have an app for that.
Mind Two:
I am not really sure where Mind One intended to go with this, but I'll get on board with discussing things that irritate me.
1. Please for the love of God stop asking me how college is going. I am a freshman, I have only general ed classes. My grades are good, no, I do not have a boyfriend, yes, I have friends, yes, I like Arizona. Chances are, if I wanted to talk about these things, I would. Better yet, if I wanted you to know, I would have stayed in contact with you when I moved. Understand that when you ask these questions, I will answer with a slightly disgusted look on my face because I HAVE HEARD THEM A MILLION TIMES BEFORE.
2. Stupid made-up words, Guys. It is 2015. Can we please leave those in 2014?
"Salty" should not EVER be used to describe a person. A person is only salty if you shove a pretzel stick up their ass.
"Ratchet" is also not a word used to describe people. It is a tool guys. Used to fix things.
Hashtags. I despise them on Instagram and I especially despise them in conversation. If you ever use the word hashtag in a conversation I will #kickyourassallthewaytoIndia. Fun Fact: that symbol is actually called a pound sign.
Woman Crush Wednesday and Man Crush Monday. Why are these still happening? Is this really the best you can give your significant other? A photo that has probably already been seen by the entire Facebook population that has that stupid hashtag on it? It's not really a sweet gesture if we have to see it EVERY SINGLE WEEK.
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