Mind Two:
I think I have told you guys about my job before...at least a little. Well, I work at a coffee shop and I have to get up even before the sun to make it work on time. Now that it is summer, the sun is just coming up when I leave. The other morning, I jumped in my car and took off down the driveway, hauling ass because I was a little late and about halfway down the driveway, I see this black and white squirrel thing with a really bushy tail. At first, I was all like, "Awwww look at the cute little squirrel!!" And then I got closer and was all like "Holy Shit! That's a skunk!!" I slammed on the brakes and came to a screeching halt halfway down my driveway. I still wasn't very close to the skunk and it was just ambling along the left side of the driveway. I started flashing my lights at it to get it move because I happened to know that's it home was in the pipe DIRECTLY across from it, on the other side of the driveway. It starts moving as slowly across the road as it possibly could, taking it's sweet time while I was busy being late for work. So I kept flashing and thankfully it kept walking. Now the weeds around the pipe where this little skunk lives are really tall. So I, panicking at this point, come up with a plan. If the skunk will just walk a few more feet, it will be in the weeds and on its way home and won't even see my car go past and then I will still not be totally and completely late. So it made it into the weeds and I counted to 5 and then slammed the car into 1st gear. I hit the gas and that freaking skunk gassed me. My plan failed. Utterly and completely. Now I am depressed because my car smells like a skunk. And this hot weather is not helping matters at all.
Mind One, your turn. I am going to wash my car.
Mind one here.
I'd just like to point out that if you were a badass like me, and carried guns in your car. THIS WOULDN'T OF HAPPENED. Because, one you could of shot his happy little ass while at a safe distance, and two you could of shot his happy little ass at a previous date, thus avoiding this whole situation. (Also, you could murder the bird outside your window.) (Mind Two here. I would like to point out that a gun would not have solved my problem in this situation. See, he still would have smelled. But shooting him would have made me feel a lot better. Also, I am a badass like you.) Obviously, as I have said before, violence solves everything. EVERYTHING!!!! Can't make your TV remote work? Violently shove some new batteries in it!! Can't seem to make your crush like you? Violently give them some roses, bitches love roses. Can't beat that stupid video game? Violently hit some shit! With your sword, or gun, or whatever you happen to be using as a weapon. (Except the so called "massager" on the Dead Rising games.) Don't have time for coffee in the mornings? Violently mug some passerby for their Starbucks!!! (Mind two here. If you steal some guys coffee, make sure he looks respectable and is wearing a suit or something nice so you don't get herpes.) Quite literally everything can be solved by violence, and yet, not all things with kindness. Getting mugged? Ask him nicely to stop!!! NO!!!! See a rape? Give the rapist a condom!! Also, NO!!! Violence would of solved those two situations, but you had to be a nice person, now your broke and a rapist just shoved a condom down your throat. Congratulations. Seriously. You're an idiot. Mind one out. Go buy some weapons. Or doughnuts, those are always nice too. (Just remember, doughnuts won't save you in a zombie apocalypse.)
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