Mind one.
This debacle took place week two of AIT, when post basic stress syndrome was still very real, and roommate and I were both wound up tight. Roommate had made an unequivocally poor decision, she ventured forth from the sanctuary of our room to mingle with the commoners, low life's, and other miscreants. (Read: our classmates) Being the wise individual I am, I stayed behind. Being able to shower alone still hadn't, nor will it ever, lost its glory, so I gleefully stripped down. With my supplies at the ready, I made the first offensive strike towards the shower. It retaliated by spitting up a five inch long, scaly, red-Brown hell spawn of a centipede. Now, our bath mat is an odd shade of brown, so it wasn't until I nearly stepped on this multi legged demon that I noticed it. I did what any warrior does in their first battle. I froze, panicked, and nearly Shit myself. Taking my soldier skills into use, I called for indirect fire on it's location, or in civilian terms I bombed the ever living Shit out if it with shampoo bottles. No effect, the thousand-legged-demon is still alive, and based on its mandible movements, bitch was planning a counter offensive. So I launched chemical weaponry. I unleashed a hell storm of febreeze, Windex, and scrubbing bubbles. And it's still MOVING. FUCK. So I called for back up. Roomie is from Oklahoma, aka, home to the largest collection of freak insects. Roommate got a phone call something like this, "COME KILL THIS THING BEFORE I NUKE THE WHOLE POST." She opened the door to find a still very naked me, armed with febreeze and a combat boot in each hand. At this point the trauma was too much. All I did was point at the bathroom and hiss. Roommate spots Satan's vessel on earth chilling on the mat, and SHE COO'S AT IT LIKE IT'S SOME SORT OF FLUFFY NON LUCIFER SPAWN THOUSAND LEGGED FIVE INCHES OF PURE TERROR AND HORROR. NOT ONLY DID SHE HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CUDDLE THE DEVIL BUG, BUT SHE DIDN'T EVEN KILL IT. SHE "RESCUED" THE SON OF A BITCH. She was on my Shit list for a solid week, and I no longer trust my bath mat.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
The Minds Are Back in Action (Briefly)
Mind Two:
THE MINDS WERE REUNITED OVER THE WEEKEND AND IT WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING QUITE POSSIBLY EVER!
So you guys get stories from this weekend. First, look at all the pictures we took together and how amazingly photogenic we are.
Day 1 of the Reunion.
I get lost trying to get INTO the military base. Sometimes I question my ability to be an adult.
The gate guy saw my drivers license and pronounced Oregon as Oar-e-gone.
Mind One and I had agreed upon a spot to meet, but I walked into the gas station as she was walking out through a different exit, which led to us missing each other and me getting a snapchat of my car. I also sort of screamed her roommates name and scared the shit out of her. I had never met her before but I recognized her from her Facebook picture.
Then I got to meet Mind One's military friends (or people she tolerates, whatever you want to call it). One of them was very attractive.
And we watched about half of Brave before I left.
And then Mind Two almost got trapped in an elevator. I have always had a fear of being trapped in an elevator and tonight made it worse. I got in, pushed the second floor button, and when the elevator stopped, the doors wouldn't open. I immediately started panicking. I had no idea what to do if I was actually stuck in the elevator. So I tried pushing the open door button, multiple times, and nothing happened. Then I pushed the first floor button, and it lit up. After what felt like a lifetime but was only a couple seconds, I felt the elevator move. Panic attack over. Then I felt it stop, so I hit the open door button and after a couple seconds, the doors opened. I am probably never riding in an elevator again, and yes I did get off and walk up the stairs.
Day 2 of the Reunion.
I didn't get to see Mind One a lot this day. I did win points though because I brought her steak from Texas Roadhouse that was so rare it looked like they cut off a steer's horns, wiped it's nasty old ass, and slapped it on a plate (well a to-go box). And I ate soft cookies (points to Mind One for making her roommate buy them for me) and Texas Roadhouse rolls for dinner. Then Mind One got frustrated at her email and I watched her passive-aggressively click away at a computer trying to fix her email.
Day 3 of the Reunion.
I had to head back to school on this day. So Mind One bought me coffee and donuts before I had to leave. And I made the mistake of wearing a sparkly shirt and my hair down, so the testosterone in the room was overwhelming. To fix this, we picked a table near a trashcan so no one would be tempted to sit by us.
On the drive home, I hit rush hour traffic in Phoenix. In case you are wondering, this was not a fun time. By the time I got off the freeway that was moving at 20 mph, I was basically an angry ball of rage. So to fix this fact, I went and dyed my hair and it turned out waaay darker than expected, which didn't really help my mood at all.
The Minds also made some plans for Christmas, when we will officially be together again for a decent amount of time. And in this time we will cause so many shenanigans.
THE MINDS WERE REUNITED OVER THE WEEKEND AND IT WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING QUITE POSSIBLY EVER!
So you guys get stories from this weekend. First, look at all the pictures we took together and how amazingly photogenic we are.
And I just want to say to those of you that don't know what it's like to have to be apart from your best friend in the entire world, you lucky bastards. It is no fun and I had no idea how much I actually missed Mind One until I got to spend time with her, only to realize we would soon have to be parted.
Ok, story time now.
Day 1 of the Reunion.
I get lost trying to get INTO the military base. Sometimes I question my ability to be an adult.
The gate guy saw my drivers license and pronounced Oregon as Oar-e-gone.
Mind One and I had agreed upon a spot to meet, but I walked into the gas station as she was walking out through a different exit, which led to us missing each other and me getting a snapchat of my car. I also sort of screamed her roommates name and scared the shit out of her. I had never met her before but I recognized her from her Facebook picture.
Then I got to meet Mind One's military friends (or people she tolerates, whatever you want to call it). One of them was very attractive.
And we watched about half of Brave before I left.
And then Mind Two almost got trapped in an elevator. I have always had a fear of being trapped in an elevator and tonight made it worse. I got in, pushed the second floor button, and when the elevator stopped, the doors wouldn't open. I immediately started panicking. I had no idea what to do if I was actually stuck in the elevator. So I tried pushing the open door button, multiple times, and nothing happened. Then I pushed the first floor button, and it lit up. After what felt like a lifetime but was only a couple seconds, I felt the elevator move. Panic attack over. Then I felt it stop, so I hit the open door button and after a couple seconds, the doors opened. I am probably never riding in an elevator again, and yes I did get off and walk up the stairs.
Day 2 of the Reunion.
I didn't get to see Mind One a lot this day. I did win points though because I brought her steak from Texas Roadhouse that was so rare it looked like they cut off a steer's horns, wiped it's nasty old ass, and slapped it on a plate (well a to-go box). And I ate soft cookies (points to Mind One for making her roommate buy them for me) and Texas Roadhouse rolls for dinner. Then Mind One got frustrated at her email and I watched her passive-aggressively click away at a computer trying to fix her email.
Day 3 of the Reunion.
I had to head back to school on this day. So Mind One bought me coffee and donuts before I had to leave. And I made the mistake of wearing a sparkly shirt and my hair down, so the testosterone in the room was overwhelming. To fix this, we picked a table near a trashcan so no one would be tempted to sit by us.
On the drive home, I hit rush hour traffic in Phoenix. In case you are wondering, this was not a fun time. By the time I got off the freeway that was moving at 20 mph, I was basically an angry ball of rage. So to fix this fact, I went and dyed my hair and it turned out waaay darker than expected, which didn't really help my mood at all.
The Minds also made some plans for Christmas, when we will officially be together again for a decent amount of time. And in this time we will cause so many shenanigans.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Mind one has a political rage fit
Mind one here.
If you don't like opinion filed, rage rants. I suggest you about face right off my blog. Cause this going to beautiful. Here are some things that really "grind my gears".
1. All of the limp wristed, panty waisted, mouth breathing, cowards that deem ISIS (or whatever in the great gallop horse fuck they are calling themselves this week) to be "not America's problem." Whoa there bud. A radical insurgent group hell bent on taking over the whole world, which at last check included America, and imposing Shariah law on the whole planet is a bit our concern. From a more personal (read soldier) perspective, I am not a fan of the idea of the entire damn earth being a terrorist stomping ground. Also, in the soldiers creed (civilians please navigate to google to follow along), there is a line, "I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life." Hold up. Go back and read it again. "...and the American way of life." Not "only the American way of life." Now call me quirky but I see that as I am a guardian of all freedom, not just freedom as we receive it. Freedom for every single person on this rock orbiting the great fireball in the sky. So yes, I think we should go boots on the ground against ISIS, not because it is "an American problem", also because the amount of suffering and pain ISIS is inflicting is something that any half decent human should feel compelled to stop, but over all for the simple reason that ISIS is currently and intends to continue to trample all over freedom and that's the shit I don't like.
2. Once again, insert insults of your choice here, "Ebola isn't that big of a deal". Are you sure? Go and contract it, then see his big of a deal it is. If I see one more graph comparing Ebola to all the other various causes of death in Africa at the moment I'm going to go super saiyan. Posting up a half cocked graph proclaiming Ebola as a "low ranking cause of death" to support your selfish ideals that we stay uninvolved is nauseating. You are essentially telling the world, "Ebola hasn't killed enough people to take it seriously yet.". News flash here, we have the resources, technology, and man power to help prevent the spread of Ebola. Shit, China has a cure in the works. Comparing AIDS to Ebola is monumentally ridiculous, and I ask you to navigate to google once again to learn a bit about both. As it stands we can't do much about AIDS, which sucks, but that doesn't mean we can't do something for Ebola.
(If I have a choice though, I'd rather be deployed against ISIS, because terrorists die just like everyone else, but you can't exactly shoot Ebola in the face.)
3. To those of you still clinging to Vietnam era prejudices, and those hipster twat-bags who have adopted said prejudices to be ironic, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Killing babies 101 was not offered at my basic training, or AIT. Intro to stealing human rights was also missing. Whoops. While I personally haven't run up against any one sitting spouting that kind of ill-conceived non-sense, my battle buddies have. I'll leave this here, just know the first person to call me a baby killer is going to have hell fire rain down upon their heads.
4. "It's too bad you couldn't go to college and had to go to the army." Every time I hear this, or a statement along those lines, I have the same reaction. *screaming internally*. Let's get something in the clear right here. No matter how lazy I was in high school, or how much effort I didn't put into finding a college, the army was never a last resort. It was option number one. College was my fallback, door number two, second chance, whatever. Now that the army is going good for me I'll go to college whenever I damn well please. I can do both. That free will is a bitch ain't it?
Two cups of coffee, and a large amount of loud hateful music went into above post, so take it as it is. I feel better with the rant out of the way.
Private smart ass over and out.
If you don't like opinion filed, rage rants. I suggest you about face right off my blog. Cause this going to beautiful. Here are some things that really "grind my gears".
1. All of the limp wristed, panty waisted, mouth breathing, cowards that deem ISIS (or whatever in the great gallop horse fuck they are calling themselves this week) to be "not America's problem." Whoa there bud. A radical insurgent group hell bent on taking over the whole world, which at last check included America, and imposing Shariah law on the whole planet is a bit our concern. From a more personal (read soldier) perspective, I am not a fan of the idea of the entire damn earth being a terrorist stomping ground. Also, in the soldiers creed (civilians please navigate to google to follow along), there is a line, "I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life." Hold up. Go back and read it again. "...and the American way of life." Not "only the American way of life." Now call me quirky but I see that as I am a guardian of all freedom, not just freedom as we receive it. Freedom for every single person on this rock orbiting the great fireball in the sky. So yes, I think we should go boots on the ground against ISIS, not because it is "an American problem", also because the amount of suffering and pain ISIS is inflicting is something that any half decent human should feel compelled to stop, but over all for the simple reason that ISIS is currently and intends to continue to trample all over freedom and that's the shit I don't like.
2. Once again, insert insults of your choice here, "Ebola isn't that big of a deal". Are you sure? Go and contract it, then see his big of a deal it is. If I see one more graph comparing Ebola to all the other various causes of death in Africa at the moment I'm going to go super saiyan. Posting up a half cocked graph proclaiming Ebola as a "low ranking cause of death" to support your selfish ideals that we stay uninvolved is nauseating. You are essentially telling the world, "Ebola hasn't killed enough people to take it seriously yet.". News flash here, we have the resources, technology, and man power to help prevent the spread of Ebola. Shit, China has a cure in the works. Comparing AIDS to Ebola is monumentally ridiculous, and I ask you to navigate to google once again to learn a bit about both. As it stands we can't do much about AIDS, which sucks, but that doesn't mean we can't do something for Ebola.
(If I have a choice though, I'd rather be deployed against ISIS, because terrorists die just like everyone else, but you can't exactly shoot Ebola in the face.)
3. To those of you still clinging to Vietnam era prejudices, and those hipster twat-bags who have adopted said prejudices to be ironic, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Killing babies 101 was not offered at my basic training, or AIT. Intro to stealing human rights was also missing. Whoops. While I personally haven't run up against any one sitting spouting that kind of ill-conceived non-sense, my battle buddies have. I'll leave this here, just know the first person to call me a baby killer is going to have hell fire rain down upon their heads.
4. "It's too bad you couldn't go to college and had to go to the army." Every time I hear this, or a statement along those lines, I have the same reaction. *screaming internally*. Let's get something in the clear right here. No matter how lazy I was in high school, or how much effort I didn't put into finding a college, the army was never a last resort. It was option number one. College was my fallback, door number two, second chance, whatever. Now that the army is going good for me I'll go to college whenever I damn well please. I can do both. That free will is a bitch ain't it?
Two cups of coffee, and a large amount of loud hateful music went into above post, so take it as it is. I feel better with the rant out of the way.
Private smart ass over and out.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Letters From Basic
Mind Two:
So Mind One went to Basic Training for the army this summer. The Mind's were separated for quite some time and it pretty much sucked. Mind One couldn't text me every second of every day like normal. So we were reserved to writing letters. And we always had lots to say. However, there are certain ways you talk to your best friend and Mind One and I were no different. We always had inappropriate but hilarious stories to share with each other. Communicating through letters was no different. Which is why I feel the need to share a few of the gems Mind One has written me over the summer. I won't share the whole letter cause privacy and just a warning, most of the things Mind One and I say to each other are offensive, so if you don't like language stop reading right now. But you're missing out because Mind One and I are frickin hilarious.
Letter #1 (June 23rd, 2014)
I'm on fireguard right now, which is Army speak for "wake up and stay up for 1 hour because fuck sleep".
So far Basic doesn't suck quite as much dick as I was afraid of.
P.S. Pulling fire guard makes me want to suck start an M16.
Letter #2 (June 7th, 2014)
I'm writing this after lights out and a drill sergeant just came in and flipped shit.
Now I can't have my flashlight on so I'm writing and reading by the light of the exit sign.
P.S. I ripped skin off my middle finger today on Treadwell Tower.
Letter #3 (July 4th, 2014)
As Drill Sergeant Melnyk said, "Happy fuck England day privates!"
Also remember, the only people that get their happy endings without a rocky road are ignorant bitches.
Yesterday I had my first drill sergeant screaming in my face incident. There were 2 and guess what they were yelling about? Top Gun. The fucking movie. What even is my life?
Letter #4 (July 11th, 2014)
I named my M16 Irene. And I zeroed her in today. Me and Irene are gonna tear shit up mother fucker.
Letter #5 (July 17th, 2014)
I ghetto rigged coffee today at lunch. Instant coffee and creamer and sugar. It was awful, and wonderful. I need coffee and a fucking month away from all these females. Sweet sugar tits. Today was not a good day.
FYI there is a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that our drill sergeant told us about today. (You can bet your sweet ass Mind Two will find this book and read it!)
Letter #6 (July 18th, 2014)
Throat punch that girl. Fucking stomp a mudhole in her ass. Nuke her until she glows, then shoot her in the dark. Punch her so hard in the chest her heart stops and she dies.
Letter #7 (August 2nd, 2014)
You're taking your sweet ass time to send me another letter shit bag.
There are 2 certified Africans from Africa. And they speak fucking horse shit languages and it ruins my day.
Can I still kill her? I know like 8 different ways now. Army certified.
I'm going to the Wiccan ceremony tomorrow cause it's a holiday and we'll get cookies and shit. Some real black and ghetto girls want me to learn how to twerk.
Letter #8 ( August 10th, 2014)
Fun fact: Bacon every day here. But the pancakes are bullshit.
I NEED COFFEE! HOLY SHIT TITS.
Story on this page AKA the time a giant moth almost ruined my Army career. (This is Mind Two's favorite story). There are fucking huge moths here. They're called Wolf Moths. I saw one where each wing was the size of my hand. My. Giant. Man. Hand. Each wing. I nearly shit all over during PT. The first sergeant is standing in front of me and I'm at attention. Out of my peripheral vision, I see this big ass flying...thing. And in my head I'm all, "Bat! fuck fuck fuck". On the outside I was all position of attention soldier face. Then it gets a little closer. And it's a giant moth. Like Mothzilla flying near my first sergeant's head. So I did what any reasonable private would have done. I made a purdy disgusted face. Which made the first sergeant follow my eye line. He sees Satan's pet moth hovering over his shoulder, looks back at me, and makes the same face. So the first sergeant and I are basically like this:
So I panic. And I look to the center of the PT formation and all I see is 2 of my drill sergeant's fucking staring at this moth and backing up and covering their faces. Later I ask my roommate and THEY FUCKING FLY AT PEOPLE'S FACES AND THEY BITE AND THEY GET EVEN BIGGER. LIKE ONE WING=ONE PAGE OF A PIECE OF PAPER. FUCK OKLAHOMA.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I had to look forward to every week. Don't you wish your best friend was as funny as mine?
So Mind One went to Basic Training for the army this summer. The Mind's were separated for quite some time and it pretty much sucked. Mind One couldn't text me every second of every day like normal. So we were reserved to writing letters. And we always had lots to say. However, there are certain ways you talk to your best friend and Mind One and I were no different. We always had inappropriate but hilarious stories to share with each other. Communicating through letters was no different. Which is why I feel the need to share a few of the gems Mind One has written me over the summer. I won't share the whole letter cause privacy and just a warning, most of the things Mind One and I say to each other are offensive, so if you don't like language stop reading right now. But you're missing out because Mind One and I are frickin hilarious.
Letter #1 (June 23rd, 2014)
I'm on fireguard right now, which is Army speak for "wake up and stay up for 1 hour because fuck sleep".
So far Basic doesn't suck quite as much dick as I was afraid of.
P.S. Pulling fire guard makes me want to suck start an M16.
Letter #2 (June 7th, 2014)
I'm writing this after lights out and a drill sergeant just came in and flipped shit.
Now I can't have my flashlight on so I'm writing and reading by the light of the exit sign.
P.S. I ripped skin off my middle finger today on Treadwell Tower.
Letter #3 (July 4th, 2014)
As Drill Sergeant Melnyk said, "Happy fuck England day privates!"
Also remember, the only people that get their happy endings without a rocky road are ignorant bitches.
Yesterday I had my first drill sergeant screaming in my face incident. There were 2 and guess what they were yelling about? Top Gun. The fucking movie. What even is my life?
Letter #4 (July 11th, 2014)
I named my M16 Irene. And I zeroed her in today. Me and Irene are gonna tear shit up mother fucker.
Letter #5 (July 17th, 2014)
I ghetto rigged coffee today at lunch. Instant coffee and creamer and sugar. It was awful, and wonderful. I need coffee and a fucking month away from all these females. Sweet sugar tits. Today was not a good day.
FYI there is a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that our drill sergeant told us about today. (You can bet your sweet ass Mind Two will find this book and read it!)
Letter #6 (July 18th, 2014)
Throat punch that girl. Fucking stomp a mudhole in her ass. Nuke her until she glows, then shoot her in the dark. Punch her so hard in the chest her heart stops and she dies.
Letter #7 (August 2nd, 2014)
You're taking your sweet ass time to send me another letter shit bag.
There are 2 certified Africans from Africa. And they speak fucking horse shit languages and it ruins my day.
Can I still kill her? I know like 8 different ways now. Army certified.
I'm going to the Wiccan ceremony tomorrow cause it's a holiday and we'll get cookies and shit. Some real black and ghetto girls want me to learn how to twerk.
Letter #8 ( August 10th, 2014)
Fun fact: Bacon every day here. But the pancakes are bullshit.
I NEED COFFEE! HOLY SHIT TITS.
Story on this page AKA the time a giant moth almost ruined my Army career. (This is Mind Two's favorite story). There are fucking huge moths here. They're called Wolf Moths. I saw one where each wing was the size of my hand. My. Giant. Man. Hand. Each wing. I nearly shit all over during PT. The first sergeant is standing in front of me and I'm at attention. Out of my peripheral vision, I see this big ass flying...thing. And in my head I'm all, "Bat! fuck fuck fuck". On the outside I was all position of attention soldier face. Then it gets a little closer. And it's a giant moth. Like Mothzilla flying near my first sergeant's head. So I did what any reasonable private would have done. I made a purdy disgusted face. Which made the first sergeant follow my eye line. He sees Satan's pet moth hovering over his shoulder, looks back at me, and makes the same face. So the first sergeant and I are basically like this:
So I panic. And I look to the center of the PT formation and all I see is 2 of my drill sergeant's fucking staring at this moth and backing up and covering their faces. Later I ask my roommate and THEY FUCKING FLY AT PEOPLE'S FACES AND THEY BITE AND THEY GET EVEN BIGGER. LIKE ONE WING=ONE PAGE OF A PIECE OF PAPER. FUCK OKLAHOMA.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I had to look forward to every week. Don't you wish your best friend was as funny as mine?
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Mind Two vs. Biology 181
Mind Two:
Guess who is in Arizona, just like Mind Two? That's right! Mind One! We are officially in the same state again! And thank God for that because I am lost without my other mind. Literally. Last Thursday was the official start of classes for me. I have 18 credits this semester, which is a lot, including two science classes. Friday I had my first Biology class. I sat through another hour of a different teacher explaining a very similar syllabus to all the other ones. But this teacher was different. She was sarcastic and kind of cranky and has bitchy resting face and loves to eat and sleep. She is basically both of the Minds wrapped into one wonderful person. Towards the end of class, she lectured a little bit. About genetics. And I thought, "Damn, I'm a freshman in a genetics biology class. I'm so fricken smart." Nowhere along the line did it occur to me that this class was actually pretty advanced. When I got back to my dorm, I tried to register for the online homework, only I kept getting an error message. I finally emailed my teacher about it and she responded saying that there was no Shania in her class roster. So I got to looking around and saw that my online schedule said something different from the printed schedule they gave me at orientation. Awesome. So I emailed a few people and for my very first biology class as a freshman in college, I went to the wrong class. Fricken wonderful. I guess tomorrow I will go to my real biology class and see what that one is like. Probably not as cool of a teacher. Damn.
Since Mind One has been transferred to Arizona, she now has computer access. Which means you guys can hear both of the Minds stories again and you don't have to listen to me ramble on about meaningless stuff that I think is funny. Normally Mind One is here to give me the veto. Don't worry, she will probably have her computer within the week. So she can keep me in check and come up with better titles.
To finish this off, I will share with you the best advice I have ever gotten from a beer bottle.
Guess who is in Arizona, just like Mind Two? That's right! Mind One! We are officially in the same state again! And thank God for that because I am lost without my other mind. Literally. Last Thursday was the official start of classes for me. I have 18 credits this semester, which is a lot, including two science classes. Friday I had my first Biology class. I sat through another hour of a different teacher explaining a very similar syllabus to all the other ones. But this teacher was different. She was sarcastic and kind of cranky and has bitchy resting face and loves to eat and sleep. She is basically both of the Minds wrapped into one wonderful person. Towards the end of class, she lectured a little bit. About genetics. And I thought, "Damn, I'm a freshman in a genetics biology class. I'm so fricken smart." Nowhere along the line did it occur to me that this class was actually pretty advanced. When I got back to my dorm, I tried to register for the online homework, only I kept getting an error message. I finally emailed my teacher about it and she responded saying that there was no Shania in her class roster. So I got to looking around and saw that my online schedule said something different from the printed schedule they gave me at orientation. Awesome. So I emailed a few people and for my very first biology class as a freshman in college, I went to the wrong class. Fricken wonderful. I guess tomorrow I will go to my real biology class and see what that one is like. Probably not as cool of a teacher. Damn.
Since Mind One has been transferred to Arizona, she now has computer access. Which means you guys can hear both of the Minds stories again and you don't have to listen to me ramble on about meaningless stuff that I think is funny. Normally Mind One is here to give me the veto. Don't worry, she will probably have her computer within the week. So she can keep me in check and come up with better titles.
To finish this off, I will share with you the best advice I have ever gotten from a beer bottle.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Spider: One/Mind Two: Zero
Mind Two:
Another thing I am scared of: spiders. "Little pieces of death wrapped in scary." Although I don't know anyone who actually likes spiders, I am completely terrified of them. They gross me out and are just plain creepy. So now let me tell you a little story called "The Time I Stood Up To a Spider (and Almost Killed Myself)".
One morning I was getting ready for school. As I was getting ready to leave my room to go eat breakfast, I realized I forgot to turn off the light in my bedroom. I turned around to head back up the stairs and BOOM! There it was. The spider. Looking at me all creepy with its 16 billion eyes. And in that moment, I decided something. I would face my fear and I will kill that spider. Then I had to give myself an inspirational speech, which went like this:
"Today is the day, spider. I will rise up, and I will CRUCIFY HIIIMMMM!!!"
Then I stood like that for a couple seconds and got myself prepared.
I took my shoe off, raised it above my head, about to crush the evil spider, and then it happened.
THE SPIDER FUCKING MOVED!
I screamed and threw my shoe at the spider, getting ready to run for my life.
I turned to run back down the stairs and grabbed the railing. As I was running down the stairs, my hand wasn't moving as fast as my feet, so instead of going straight down the stairs, I swung around and slammed my head into the wall. Which is how Mind Two got a giant bruise on her forehead for a week and also why whenever I see a spider now, I just scream until someone comes to kill it for me.
Another thing I am scared of: spiders. "Little pieces of death wrapped in scary." Although I don't know anyone who actually likes spiders, I am completely terrified of them. They gross me out and are just plain creepy. So now let me tell you a little story called "The Time I Stood Up To a Spider (and Almost Killed Myself)".
One morning I was getting ready for school. As I was getting ready to leave my room to go eat breakfast, I realized I forgot to turn off the light in my bedroom. I turned around to head back up the stairs and BOOM! There it was. The spider. Looking at me all creepy with its 16 billion eyes. And in that moment, I decided something. I would face my fear and I will kill that spider. Then I had to give myself an inspirational speech, which went like this:
"Today is the day, spider. I will rise up, and I will CRUCIFY HIIIMMMM!!!"
Then I stood like that for a couple seconds and got myself prepared.
I took my shoe off, raised it above my head, about to crush the evil spider, and then it happened.
THE SPIDER FUCKING MOVED!
I screamed and threw my shoe at the spider, getting ready to run for my life.
I turned to run back down the stairs and grabbed the railing. As I was running down the stairs, my hand wasn't moving as fast as my feet, so instead of going straight down the stairs, I swung around and slammed my head into the wall. Which is how Mind Two got a giant bruise on her forehead for a week and also why whenever I see a spider now, I just scream until someone comes to kill it for me.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Redheads Do It Better
Mind two:
Mind one was right. I did forget what this post was going to be about. But if it's in neon, then it must be true!
Oh well. I am going to turn it into an update post. So here's what happened. Mind One and I haven't posted anything lately and we are incredibly sorry. Mind One is in the military now, as I have mentioned before. She passed her PT test at Basic Training, which means she is now allowed to graduate! I'm so proud of her. I sent her a graduation card. I promised her I would keep the blog going while she was away and I hate to admit I have been slacking. But in my defense, I have been trying to get ready for college. Arizona, a thousand miles away from home. Just to let you know, college is one of the scariest and most exciting experiences in the world. Don't stay near your hometown. This is pretty much your one chance to go wherever you want.
Oh and I remembered what this post was going to be about.
If any of you have ever met a redhead, you know that we tend to be little hotheaded pistols with enough attitude for all of Jersey. As is the case for Mind One and I (both redheads). Let me give you an example. The other day, I was playing at a tennis match. Districts actually. And the other team was being super bitchy. Asking if we were sure about calls and calling a few that were in, out. So the redhead in me was starting to show in more places than just my hair. And when they asked about a call we made that was very clearly out, I turned around and said "Honey, it was out by about two feet." And that is how I got a line judge called on my partner and I at tennis districts. Be warned, us redheads are bad at controlling our temper and our mouth. I wouldn't take a chance on messing with one.
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