Life Lessons/ Senior Quotes

Mind Two:
Guess what?!
MIND ONE AND I ARE SENIORS!!!!!
And since we are officially the upperclassmen and about to embark upon the wonderful journey of life, I think it's time to share some things we learned with you. Pretty much just an add on to Teen Code.
I'll go first.

Life is like spicy food. What you do today, might burn you in the ass tomorrow. (Stolen from The Boy Who Ripped His Pants!)

There is always an appropriate time for a Harry Potter reference. ALWAYS.

Trading your heart for another liver, so you can drink more and care less might sound appealing, but it probably won't happen, so man up and face your problems. But if you do find a way for this option to work, let me know.

Do not have a huge list of attractive items in a girl. This isn't Build a Bitch Workshop. Find someone you can talk to and care about.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin. And muffins are healthy. So eat a cupcake every now and then, for health reasons.

If anyone ever tells you that you put too much parmesan on your spaghetti, you stop being friends with them. Right that second. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

If someone breaks your heart, don't dwell on it and be sad.

Coffee totally counts as a vegetable, and I feel completely justified with my lifestyle choices.

Everybody has bad days.

Some people aren't idiots, they just do a lot of dumb stuff.

It's always a good idea to make friends with your lab partner. It's easier to forgive a friend for almost accidently blowing you up.

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

If someone calls you ugly, give them a hug. Life is hard for the visually impaired.

Shorts are pants made awesome.

Spiders are little pieces of death wrapped in scary and it is perfectly acceptable to scream when you see one.

Always shoot for the stars, because even if you miss, you're in freaking space!

Plus side of living in a small town: if you don't have your life figured out, ask someone else. They will know!

Be fucking polite.

Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows tell you shit about life.

It's just a penis. Can't be any worse for you than smoking.
(Mind One was clearly impressed with this one)

If no one from the future comes to stop you from doing it, how bad of a decision can it really be?

Take life as it comes in your face and runs down your chin.

Mind one.

For some reason our school decided that we seniors didn't need to leave senior quotes in the yearbook, so mind two and I are compiling a list of wisdom to leave behind for future generations.

Sex in empty classrooms is reserved for upper classmen.

Pooping is for at home, no shitting at school.

Treat the hallways like a road, stay to the right or be run over by a senior much bigger than you.

Pick a teacher to depend on, because having an adult to depend on at school is fantastic.

Don't trust anyone. Don't leave your homework with a friend, and don't trust the people in your group for projects.

Dress code will be enforced roughly four weeks out of the year, two at the beginning and two at the end, don't use this as an excuse to dress like a whore.

There will be teachers you hate with an all consuming passion, passive aggressive sarcasm is a good outlet.

Be nice to the janitor, they are people too, and I go out of my way to say hello at least once a day.

Shower, every day. The middle school days of drenching yourself in Axe or perfume are over.

There are classes where doing all of the homework will do absolutely nothing for your grade.

There are classes where doing the homework will be the only thing to save your grade.

The librarian is actually the devil incarnate. 

Don't worry yourself about being popular, because the only thing that spreads faster than drama in the in circle of any school is the STD's.

It's the job of a senior to not give a shit, don't take it personally.

High school relationships are like taco bell, it seems like a good idea at first, until you end up sobbing on the toilet.

It's easiest to just not eat the school food, bag lunch it until you can leave for food.

There are places in the school that will creep you out, and those places will not get any less creepy.

Don't set your heart on a perfect ideal of high school, by senior year you will be miles away from it.

Listen to your gut, always.

PDA in the halls between every class will get you yelled at by staff, and slammed into lockers by students.

Netflix is your best friend and worst enemy. 

Don't drive like an asshole in the parking lot.

Having a nice jacked up truck in high school is just about as important as snowboots in the Sahara. 

It's easier to be the honest asshole, than the lying saint.

Sorry not sorry

Mind two.
So mind one left for basic training for national guard. Which means mind two has the blog all to herself. Which means that there is no mind one to stop mind two  from posting some things which probably don't need to be posted. Also sometimes it's late at night and I get a lot of feelings and I project them onto mind one but I can't really do that now so they will probably end up on here or on Twitter. So bear with me for a couple months and we can get through this together. And when she gets back I know she will be like what the fuck. Mind two fucked this whole thing up and she will fix it. So I'm really just apologizing in advance.

The Greatest Insults Of All Time.

Mind one.
I'm a really angry person a lot of the time, and so I shall compile a list of the greatest insults ever. Both original and quoted. Pictures and just words.

"Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory."
"Shut up! You'll never be half the man your mother is."
"You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!"
"If I had a dick this is where I would tell you to suck it." (Betty White ladies and gentlemen)
"If I had a dog as ugly as you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards."
"You're so ugly even Chris Brown wouldn't hit that."
"If I wanted a joke I would of followed you into the john and watched you take a leak."
“I don’t give a tuppeny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit sack.”
“You’re an emotional fucking cripple. Your soul is dogshit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.”
"You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humour and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick."
"I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon."
"You know, I'd almost forgotten what your eyes looked like. Still the same. Pissholes in the snow."
"It was nothing like that, penis-breath!”
"You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole."
"I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
"You're just the afterbirth, Eli, slithered out on your mother's filth. They should have put you in glass jar on a mantelpiece."
"Even if I were blind, desperate, starved and begging for it on a desert island, you'd be the last thing I'd ever fuck."
"You're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty."
"I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?"
"Hey, ASSBUTT."
"Fuck face, fuck weasel, fuck stain, fuck stick, fuck wit, fucking fucker fuck."
"You are the  biggest douche I've ever encountered. Even Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't douche with you."

Mind Two:
"You weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling, were you?"
"Looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin."
"You are proof that evolution can go in reverse."
"I'm going to throw a water balloon at you. Like, I don't want to hurt to you, but I do want to ruin your day."
"Learn from your parents mistakes. Use birth control."
"I tried to see things from your point of view, but I couldn't get my head that far up my ass."
"Don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street."
"Just because you put a pretty shirt over your muffin top does not make it a cupcake."
"You're a smelly pirate hooker."
"Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?"
"Bitch, I don't wanna talk to you. You a bitch. And a slut!"
"I hate your stinking guts. You are the scum between my toes. You make me vomit."
"You sissified tweety bird." (m1. This gets me...)
"Who you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?"
"Chicken legs! Say that to my face, you limp noodle!"
"I've had a perfectly lovely evening. But this wasn't it."
"Your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork."

I Broke My Ass, and El Kevin To the Rescue.

Mind Two:

I feel kind of bad that the Minds have been slacking on posting things for you guys, so today you get TWO stories!!

The first one, a story of an awesome waitress and co-waiter at the Olive Garden, which Mind One shall tell.

Mind one.
I got this.

First off, Mind Two and I have both been waitresses, so we understand that being awesome can either make or break a customers meal. Secondly, we also understand that a customer with a sense of humor the best thing ever. So here is a little story about how a table full of smartasses met two of the coolest people at the Nampa Olive Garden.

It all started out with the Minds and the Troll heading to Olive Garden to eat our collective body weight in breadsticks, and soup. The minds+Troll= a combination that could either end the world, or save it, we aren't really sure yet. When we first walk in, there is a bit of a scuffle among the waitresses on who would seat us, I'd like to think that they were fighting over who could have us, but in reality we probably looked like trouble and they were fighting over who had to take us. We finally get seated, and our waitress comes up to take our drink order. She asks us what we want to drink, then leans down and says this.
"One of my co-workers thinks that guy at the corner booth looks like Joseph Gordan-Levitt. But he looks like Joseph Gordan-Levitt if he did ten years of meth."

She then walks away to get our drinks. This was a sign that the rest of the night would be epic.
As the night went on, our server got a little busy. And we were still eating enough bread sticks to feed a third world country for a few years. Our server realized this and enlisted the help of one of her co-workers. Now when a basket of bread sticks starts making its way to our table, we all got a little excited. Then deeply saddened when we realized that the person carrying them was not our server. Sad faces all around. Then the bread sticks stopped. I'm very sure that we all looked like we were going to attack. Because the server just sat the basket on the edge of the table and started to edge away. I couldn't let him escape.
M1: "El Kevin..."
EK: "That's my name..."
M2: "El? Like. The spanish." (Mind two is reaaaaaal bad at spanish so the fact she recognized this was a serious accomplishment.)
T: "Yayayayayay bread sticks." *insert horrifying eating sounds here. Troll may be little but she eats like a T-rex.*
M1: "That is fantastic."
EK: "Yeah, but my manager is going to make me change it..." *here he walked away looking like a kicked puppy.*

Now maybe because he had brought us food, or maybe because we were all feeling a little like activists, or maybe we just wanted to cause a ruckus. We all decided to write a petition on a notecard that Mind one found in her bag. (Cause I'm a freaking prepared little soldier.) It went something like this.

"We, the customers of olive garden, would like to insist that El Kevin be allowed to keep his name tag just as it is." Then we all signed it and slipped it to our waitress.

Fast forward a few months. Mind two and I are back at Olive garden because we are fatasses and eat there wayyy too often. We told our waitress the story of El Kevin, and she told us that yes, he still had his name tag, and that the waitress that we had that night before, was her best friend. She even offered to go fetch El Kevin for us. He remembered us. Told us we were awesome.

And that dear readers is a prime example of how you can never be as cool as the Minds. Ever. Not even if there is a fire.

Mind Two:
The second, a tale of Mind One's complete and utter lack of grace that Mind Two shall tell, if she can stop laughing long enough.

First off, when Mind One asks you to go on an adventure with her, you never say no because something hilarious and/or amazing is about to happen. Which is why today, when Mind One entered the counselors office (where I was doing my independent study because I got banned from the library, the story which I will tell later) and asked me to go with her, I couldn't refuse. At this time of day, the storm that had been brewing hit us full blast.  I mean hail and wind and snow and rain, coming at us all at the same time.  There was snow and ice everywhere. Mind One and I had to make a mad dash for her car, which she explained to me this adventure was because she had to go to a teachers house and get a movie that was going to be watched in a class. The reason I was the tag-along was because she wasn't exactly sure where the house was and didn't want to look like an idiot by herself. I have absolutely no idea where this teacher lives, but I do know his son. I called his son to see if he would give us directions to his house, except apparently The Boy Who Ripped His Pants (yep, it was a teacher's kid who ripped his pants) doesn't know how to answer his phone. After leaving him a nasty voice message, Mind One and I decide that we can totally find this house on our own. Because we do know that The Boy is probably there and we also know what his car looks like. And surprise, it didn't actually take us that long to find. So we get there and the weather is still going balls to the walls. All Mind One wanted to do was get the movie, which was in the mailbox. However, I was not going to let The Boy get away with not answering his phone. As I go running up to his house, Mind One goes sprinting past me, trying to get out of the cold as fast as she can. Watching this, I can tell something bad is about to happen. Mind One lands the first step on the porch, skips the next two, and completely wipes out. Spread-eagle lying on the ground in pain.
Here's a visual:

Mind one cutting in, that is the most accurate picture ever. EVER.

Mind two again.

So mind one broke a flower pot on the porch. Not like cracked it either. Like snapped it into two pieces when she kicked it with her flailing limbs. And about that time, the boy opens the door and sees mind one lying on the ground and me laughing so hard I'm crying and can't breathe. And he just kind of shakes his head. Like he expected this from us. And then informs us that he thought someone was being shot on his front porch. Thanks for running outside immediately to check.

Not So Happily Ever After

Mind one.
Single. Again. So I'm making a post about break ups. With Disney, and various other hilarious things about becoming single (AKA awesome) again.

Mind two:

Alright, Clearly I am at a better place now, than where I was previously, but just remember ladies, whenever a guy breaks your heart, it's his fault, not yours, and eating that whole can of frosting is totally okay. 

How to Drive in the Winter: A Helpful Tutorial by Mind One

Mind one.
Weather has magic properties, because anytime it snows, or gets foggy, or even rains too hard, people loose their shit while driving. So here is a guide on how to survive this hazardous driving, and not be that dumbass stuck in the median of the freeway.

1. This: "Oh my tires are spinning, I should let off the gas, then gently ease back on."
NOT THIS: "OH GOD OH GOD WHEELS DOING THE SPINNING BETTER FLOOR IT THEN I'LL BE FREE, FREEEEEDOM"

2. This: "Oh no I seem to be sliding a bit. I should gently ease off the gas pedal and correct it."
NOT THIS: "THIS ISN'T THE DIRECTION I WISH TO GO I SHOULD TOTALLY STOMP THE BREAKS AND WRENCH THE WHEEL ALL THE WAY FROM SIDE TO SIDE, OH LOOK IM SPINNING WHEEEEEE"

3. This: "That car in front of me is traveling at a safe speed for these road conditions, I'll give them their space and travel at this safe speed."
NOT THIS: "LOOK AT THIS NOOB ASSHOLE DRIVING ALL SLOW, I BETTER FLOOR IT, TAILGATE THEM FOR THREE MILES, MAKE THEM NERVOUS AS HELL, THEN DART AROUND THEM AND CUT OFF ONCOMING TRAFFIC."

4. This: "That car in front of me is loosing control, I should back off and maybe throw on my hazards to alert people behind me that there is a potential problem."
NOT THIS: "HAHA SUCKER TOO BAD NO ONE EVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE, I'M GOING TO SWERVE AROUND YOU AND SPEED PAST CAUSE I'M A RACE CAR DRIVER AND ICE CAN'T DO SHIT TO MY MAGIC UNICORN TREAD TIRES. OH SHIT I'M IN  THE DITCH TOO."

5. This: "Wow it's really foggy, I'll just turn my driving lights on, or just my dims, that way everyone can see me but I'm not blinding anyone."
NOT THIS: "FOG YAY DON'T MY BRIGHT ASS L.E.D. LIGHTS LOOK SICK IN THIS FOG. I CAN'T SEE AND YOU CAN'T SEE BUT IT'S LIKE A RAVE ON THE FREEWAY."

What I'm getting at here, is calm down, don't make any sudden moves, don't stomp on any of those pedals, and for christ's sake DIM YOUR EVERLOVING LIGHTS OR I'LL STAB YOU IN THE FACE WITH A RUSTY FORK.

The Minds are not lesbian, but Mind One is a dirty cheating whore.

Mind one.
This title.... I just.... *sigh*.

Mind Two:
I think the title alone is enough.

This story is actually a very good one and completely explainable, however, it usually takes Mind One a while to write them and this title is far to good to waste. So storytime!!!

Recently, the minds went to the movies together. And we got our seats and everything, and then I decided I had to go to the bathroom. So I get in there and I go to the farthest stall (because they're usually the cleanest) and shut the door. Except this door doesn't shut. It closes, but won't latch. So I move to the stall next to me. Except this door doesn't close at all. It just swings all the way through. But there are other people in this bathroom and I don't want them to think I'm trying to vandalize all the stalls or steal all the toiley paper or something. So I waited in the stall until all of them left. Then I raced across the room to another stall. And guess what. It still didn't latch. So I decided to go ahead and use it (which is pretty difficult if you've never been in this situation before). I finish peeing and stand up, with my shoulder leaning up against the door and try to button up my pants. Right about then, I hear the bathroom door open. At that same moment, I realized the door actually swung all the way open. I stumbled out of the stall like a drunk person, because I had been leaning on the door, and this poor lady caught in the middle of it just looks at me like, "Are you ok?" So I reassured her I was by telling her, "Don't worry, just trying to do up my pants." She found a stall as fast as she could to avoid talking to me anymore. I just hope her stall latches better than mine.