Letters From Basic

Mind Two:
So Mind One went to Basic Training for the army this summer. The Mind's were separated for quite some time and it pretty much sucked. Mind One couldn't text me every second of every day like normal. So we were reserved to writing letters. And we always had lots to say. However, there are certain ways you talk to your best friend and Mind One and I were no different. We always had inappropriate but hilarious stories to share with each other. Communicating through letters was no different. Which is why I feel the need to share a few of the gems Mind One has written me over the summer. I won't share the whole letter cause privacy and just a warning, most of the things Mind One and I say to each other are offensive, so if you don't like language stop reading right now. But you're missing out because Mind One and I are frickin hilarious.

Letter #1 (June 23rd, 2014)
I'm on fireguard right now, which is Army speak for "wake up and stay up for 1 hour because fuck sleep".
So far Basic doesn't suck quite as much dick as I was afraid of.
P.S. Pulling fire guard makes me want to suck start an M16.

Letter #2 (June 7th, 2014)
I'm writing this after lights out and a drill sergeant just came in and flipped shit.
Now I can't have my flashlight on so I'm writing and reading by the light of the exit sign.
P.S. I ripped skin off my middle finger today on Treadwell Tower.

Letter #3 (July 4th, 2014)
As Drill Sergeant Melnyk said, "Happy fuck England day privates!"
Also remember, the only people that get their happy endings without a rocky road are ignorant bitches.
Yesterday I had my first drill sergeant screaming in my face incident. There were 2 and guess what they were yelling about? Top Gun. The fucking movie. What even is my life?

Letter #4 (July 11th, 2014)
I named my M16 Irene. And I zeroed her in today. Me and Irene are gonna tear shit up mother fucker.

Letter #5 (July 17th, 2014)
I ghetto rigged coffee today at lunch. Instant coffee and creamer and sugar. It was awful, and wonderful. I need coffee and a fucking month away from all these females. Sweet sugar tits. Today was not a good day.
FYI there is a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that our drill sergeant told us about today. (You can bet your sweet ass Mind Two will find this book and read it!)

Letter #6 (July 18th, 2014)
Throat punch that girl. Fucking stomp a mudhole in her ass. Nuke her until she glows, then shoot her in the dark. Punch her so hard in the chest her heart stops and she dies.

Letter #7 (August 2nd, 2014)
You're taking your sweet ass time to send me another letter shit bag.
There are 2 certified Africans from Africa. And they speak fucking horse shit languages and it ruins my day.
Can I still kill her? I know like 8 different ways now. Army certified.
I'm going to the Wiccan ceremony tomorrow cause it's a holiday and we'll get cookies and shit. Some real black and ghetto girls want me to learn how to twerk.

Letter #8 ( August 10th, 2014)
Fun fact: Bacon every day here. But the pancakes are bullshit.
I NEED COFFEE! HOLY SHIT TITS.
Story on this page AKA the time a giant moth almost ruined my Army career. (This is Mind Two's favorite story). There are fucking huge moths here. They're called Wolf Moths. I saw one where each wing was the size of my hand. My. Giant. Man. Hand. Each wing. I nearly shit all over during PT. The first sergeant is standing in front of me and I'm at attention. Out of my peripheral vision, I see this big ass flying...thing. And in my head I'm all, "Bat! fuck fuck fuck". On the outside I was all position of attention soldier face. Then it gets a little closer. And it's a giant moth. Like Mothzilla flying near my first sergeant's head. So I did what any reasonable private would have done. I made a purdy disgusted face. Which made the first sergeant follow my eye line. He sees Satan's pet moth hovering over his shoulder, looks back at me, and makes the same face. So the first sergeant and I are basically like this:

So I panic. And I look to the center of the PT formation and all I see is 2 of my drill sergeant's fucking staring at this moth and backing up and covering their faces. Later I ask my roommate and THEY FUCKING FLY AT PEOPLE'S FACES AND THEY BITE AND THEY GET EVEN BIGGER. LIKE ONE WING=ONE PAGE OF A PIECE OF PAPER. FUCK OKLAHOMA.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I had to look forward to every week. Don't you wish your best friend was as funny as mine?

Mind Two vs. Biology 181

Mind Two:
Guess who is in Arizona, just like Mind Two? That's right! Mind One! We are officially in the same state again! And thank God for that because I am lost without my other mind. Literally. Last Thursday was the official start of classes for me. I have 18 credits this semester, which is a lot, including two science classes. Friday I had my first Biology class. I sat through another hour of a different teacher explaining a very similar syllabus to all the other ones. But this teacher was different. She was sarcastic and kind of cranky and has bitchy resting face and loves to eat and sleep. She is basically both of the Minds wrapped into one wonderful person. Towards the end of class, she lectured a little bit. About genetics. And I thought, "Damn, I'm a freshman in a genetics biology class. I'm so fricken smart." Nowhere along the line did it occur to me that this class was actually pretty advanced. When I got back to my dorm, I tried to register for the online homework, only I kept getting an error message. I finally emailed my teacher about it and she responded saying that there was no Shania in her class roster. So I got to looking around and saw that my online schedule said something different from the printed schedule they gave me at orientation. Awesome. So I emailed a few people and for my very first biology class as a freshman in college, I went to the wrong class. Fricken wonderful. I guess tomorrow I will go to my real biology class and see what that one is like. Probably not as cool of a teacher. Damn.

Since Mind One has been transferred to Arizona, she now has computer access. Which means you guys can hear both of the Minds stories again and you don't have to listen to me ramble on about meaningless stuff that I think is funny. Normally Mind One is here to give me the veto. Don't worry, she will probably have her computer within the week. So she can keep me in check and come up with better titles.

To finish this off, I will share with you the best advice I have ever gotten from a beer bottle.

Spider: One/Mind Two: Zero

Mind Two:
Another thing I am scared of: spiders. "Little pieces of death wrapped in scary." Although I don't know anyone who actually likes spiders, I am completely terrified of them. They gross me out and are just plain creepy. So now let me tell you a little story called "The Time I Stood Up To a Spider (and Almost Killed Myself)".

One morning I was getting ready for school. As I was getting ready to leave my room to go eat breakfast, I realized I forgot to turn off the light in my bedroom. I turned around to head back up the stairs and BOOM! There it was. The spider. Looking at me all creepy with its 16 billion eyes. And in that moment, I decided something. I would face my fear and I will kill that spider. Then I had to give myself an inspirational speech, which went like this:

"Today is the day, spider. I will rise up, and I will CRUCIFY HIIIMMMM!!!"



Then I stood like that for a couple seconds and got myself prepared.
I took my shoe off, raised it above my head, about to crush the evil spider, and then it happened.

THE SPIDER FUCKING MOVED!

I screamed and threw my shoe at the spider, getting ready to run for my life.

I turned to run back down the stairs and grabbed the railing. As I was running down the stairs, my hand wasn't moving as fast as my feet, so instead of going straight down the stairs, I swung around and slammed my head into the wall. Which is how Mind Two got a giant bruise on her forehead for a week and also why whenever I see a spider now, I just scream until someone comes to kill it for me.

Redheads Do It Better

Mind two:

Mind one was right. I did forget what this post was going to be about. But if it's in neon, then it must be true!

Oh well. I am going to turn it into an update post. So here's what happened.  Mind One and I haven't posted anything lately and we are incredibly sorry. Mind One is in the military now, as I have mentioned before. She passed her PT test at Basic Training, which means she is now allowed to graduate! I'm so proud of her. I sent her a graduation card. I promised her I would keep the blog going while she was away and I hate to admit I have been slacking. But in my defense, I have been trying to get ready for college.  Arizona, a thousand miles away from home. Just to let you know, college is one of the scariest and most exciting experiences in the world. Don't stay near your hometown. This is pretty much your one chance to go wherever you want.

Oh and I remembered what this post was going to be about. 

If any of you have ever met a redhead, you know that we tend to be little hotheaded pistols with enough attitude for all of Jersey. As is the case for Mind One and I (both redheads). Let me give you an example. The other day, I was playing at a tennis match. Districts actually. And the other team was being super bitchy. Asking if we were sure about calls and calling a few that were in, out. So the redhead in me was starting to show in more places than just my hair. And when they asked about a call we made that was very clearly out, I turned around and said "Honey, it was out by about two feet." And that is how I got a line judge called on my partner and I at tennis districts. Be warned, us redheads are bad at controlling our temper and our mouth. I wouldn't take a chance on messing with one.