American Sterotypes.

Mind one.
As an American, I've been peppered with all sorts of stereotypes. This is madness, there are stereotypes about almost every country out there, but for some reason, America is the land of the stereotype. The best part of all these stereotypes? We freakin run with them. Its like the rest of the world decides to slap a label on us, and as a people we rise up, meet that stereotype, and proceed to mock it. We rain mischievous tom foolery on the heads of all other countries. If we were a God, we would be Loki.

Take, for instance, the "all Americans are fat" stereotype.
Of course we have fat people, we have a plethora of fat people. Some days I feel as if all the whales in the pacific have decided to meander up onto land and lubber about. However, we also possess some freaking built, attractive, beasts of people. (Mainly me and mind two.)
I shall provided a picture of the stereotype.

(ASS! GET DOWN FROM THERE, YOU'RE NOT A BACK, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SPINE.)
And now a picture of the anti-stereotype.

SUCK ON THAT. LITERALLY. IT'S RIGHT THERE.

That picture sort of leads me into stereotype number two. "Americans are sex crazed and sluts". First off, ouch, you people don't even know us, because hello, YOU DON'T LIVE HERE. So up yours England. It is true that we are the porn capital of the universe, but come on, with out us, you would still be watching lion sex on the plains of Africa. There is a focus on sex in our culture today, just as there is a focus on sports, feminism, gay rights, abortion, food, music, actors, the Kardashians, and every other thing.
A picture of the sex crazed American stereotype.


And a picture of the anti-stereotype.

...alright, maybe that's a wee bit extreme, but you catch the drift.

Stereotype number three.
"Americans are stupid."
I'm not even sure where to begin on this one, it honestly hurts my brain a little bit. Once again, just like any other country, we have our morons. (THAT MEANS YOU TOO CHINA.) We also have our mad scientist types, the save the world with my noggin types, the smart but lazy types, and the just flat out brain children. America is by no means the dumbest country in the world, if we were, where would of all these nifty inventions like electricity, the telephone, train, automobile, apple, and all this other crap that we worship daily of come from? China? Too obsessed with being a communist power. Japan? Trying not to get wiped off their islands by a big wave. England? Still pissed off about the whole tea party incident. (Honestly, I think we can get over this now. Still mad? Toss a case of beer in the ocean. You feel revenge and the fish feel buzzed. WIN.)
A picture of the stupid American stereotype.


Annnnnd the anti-stereotype.


Know him? Thomas Alva Edison. I shouldn't have to say more.

The final stereotype that amuses me most.
"Americans have irregular or improper speech patterns."
Examples: "Murica" "ya'll" "yonder" "reckon"
Starting with 'Murica. This is a word that I'm fairly sure a non-American made up, because even the most illiterate, idiot can pronounce America. It isn't hard, I'll walk you through it. Uh-mer-i-ka. NOT HARD AT ALL. However, now everyone and their dog is saying 'Murica. Wanna know why? It's funny. For example. Go to a resturaunt, order a burger and fries, with a large milkshake, and end your order with a heart felt. "MURICA". This stereotype that the rest of the world laughs at, guess what assholes, we're laughing too. Secondly, "Ya'll" is just fine, and do you really think "You all", or "all you" sounds any better? Thirdly, "yonder" and "reckon" are words that didn't even originate in America, so mock someone else.

Last of all, I leave you with this final thought.




Mind Two:
Stereotype: All American's are childish and drink way too much.

Why yes, we probably do.
Ever heard of the True American drinking game? Let me explain it to you.

In Summary Players take turns trying to win moves in order to navigate the tables, chairs, and cushions which are your only escape from the molten lava floor. At the center of the game is a castle made of a bottle of alcohol and many beers. As players traverse the game area, they remove beers and drink them. Once all of the beers have been removed, the first player to reach the bottle of alcohol, finish their beer, and take a swig from bottle, wins the game.

What to Wear

Not sure what to wear for a truly awesome night of True American? Want a true competitive advantage?
A night of True American playing is not to be taken lightly. The game is relentless and can turn into a danger zone in a hurry. Take into consideration, the game can go on for hours. It is that fun. You will sweat, you will fall, and you will drink yourself into a silly mess.
   My advice is that you prepare yourself for the inevitable. A True American would most likely sport a cape. Think about it, you are preparing to leap from cushion to chair to table to pillow, a little bit of Superman style makes more sense than anything else. Plus, have you ever been drunk and put on a cape? It is fun in itself. Enough said.

  Under the cape, it is most wise to keep it simple and light. Extra weight is unnecessary...I mean you want to win, do you not? If you are planning to wear a bulky hooded sweatshirt with "I finally fit into these skinny" jeans, you are planning to lose! I know, I know, you are probably sacrificing a night of dancing and overpriced lemon drops enjoyment at a bar crawling with drunken idiots, but save that over-starched button-down or squint-worthy sequin skirt for next Saturday.  Tonight, you are playing True American. As for me, I would wear some comfortable jeggings or "f*** me pants" aka yogas with a tee shirt, and guys it is an easy task for you to slip on some loose jeans and a tee.

   Footwear in this game may be the most important. Remember when you were eight years old, you opened your stocking and found those goofy, fuzzy slipper socks; The ones that had a giant Ninja Turtle head on the toes that made absolutely no sense because they were socks. You could not wear them with shoes and you would not wear them as slippers because the heel never lasted over a week without turning into a giant hole. Thanks mom (complete with sarcasm). Well, those socks, those are now useful. On the way to the playing field (aka the apartment of whoever has the most room for drunkards to be bouncing around on pillows, one that can get trashed) stop at Meijer and get those fuzzy socks with the rubber polka dot bottoms. Again, you may ask, why? This is not silly...you need grippers for leaping from space to space! Or, if you insist, spend the cash on legitimate rubber bottomed house shoes. Do not be a tough guy and not wear socks, you will burn the skin off the bottoms of your feet...if you play anyway as I do. It is a competition.
 
   Other than this clothing and accessory advice, I will tell you nothing more but to have your facts straight, maybe even watch Jeopardy for a couple of weeks before game play. This game is not for the faint of heart. Get into it, get drunk and get your friends involved. True American game night is going to be the night of your life!

The Castle

The Castle is made up of one bottle of liquor and many cans of beer (you decide how many based on the number of players). The liquor is the King and sits in the middle of the Castle. The cans of beer are the Pawns and the Soldiers of the Secret Order. The Pawns are lined up in four lines radiating outward from the King. These lines of Pawns also signify the barriers between each zone. The game ends when all of the Pawns have been removed and a player drinks from the King.

The Zones

There are four zones, each with five spaces where a player can stand. The center space in each zone is the only space where the Pawns can be taken and thus it is the closest space to the Castle. There are a total of four of these spaces. The spaces at the beginning and end of the zones are the farthest away from the Castle.

Setup

Before the game starts, determine how many beers total should be consumed and setup the Castle with those beers as the Pawns. Using the lines of Pawns as barriers between the zones; designate each zone, making sure to have 5 spaces in each zone as described above. Teams are optional.

Starting the Game

After setup is complete, players may have a shotgun contest to determine who has the first turn. If no player wisher to shotgun a beer, play rock-paper-scissors instead. To start the game, the winner of this contest yells “One, two three, JFK” at which point all other players yell “FDR”, grab a Pawn from the Castle, and retreat to any space.

Gameplay

Players move around the game area in a clockwise direction. The player whose turn it is always moves one space; however, the other players must “win” their moves. This player has three ways to provide the other players with a way to win their move.

• The Count: All players yell “One, two, three” and then hold a number of fingers, between one and five, against their foreheads. Anyone holding a number that no one else has chosen wins. Winners may move one spot.
• Complete a Quote: The player may slowly speak a quote from history or pop culture. Any other player that is able to jump in and complete the quote in tandem wins. Winners may move two spots.
• Something in Common: The player may yell out two people, places, or things. Any other player that can reply with what these two things have in common wins. Winners may move three spots.

Players must always have a beer in their hand and may not have more than three at any one time. Players may only take a Pawn from the Castle when they are in one of the four center spaces.

Winning

After all Pawns have been removed, the King is vulnerable. The first player to land on one of the center spaces, finish their beer and take a swig from the King, wins the game!

Losing

If you are caught without a beer or with only an empty beer, you lose. If you step in molten lava, you lose. To enter back into the game, drink one full beer and start on a space that the other players decide.

Picking Teams

Teams are optional. To pick teams, everyone holds up a random number of fingers against their foreheads. You are teamed up with anyone else that is holding up the same number of fingers as you. Unmatched players can team up as needed.

The Castle

The castle is made up of cans of beer and a bottle of liquor. The bottle of liquor is the king of the castle. The beers are Pawns which are the Soldiers of the Secret Order. The Pawns are lined up in four lines radiating outward from the King.

The Layout

There are four zones and an alternate zone is a “crazy” zone. There is a trail of chairs, cushions, tables, etc through the zones. The floor is molten lava. You must use these objects to traverse the zones without stepping in the lava. The Castle is in the middle of the zones.

Starting the Game

The game starts with a shotgun tipoff. Then, someone chants “One, two, three, four, JFK!” and all other players yell “FDR!” at which point everyone runs to the center table, grabs a beer and picks the nearest object to stand on.

Game Play

Players take turns attempting to earn moves. There are three known actions that can be taken on a turn.

• Guessing a common trait: The player names to people or objects that have something in common. The other players then yell out what is in common. For instance, “Abe Lincoln, George Washington” and “Cherry Tree”. Players who guess correctly drink and move.
• Doing the count: The player counts “one, two, three” and on four, all players put a number on their head similar to how teams are picked. Somehow this leads so someone drinking and moving.
• Completing a quote: The player begins a quote and all other players attempt to finish the quote. For instance, “The only thing we have to fear is…“ and “fear itself!”. Players who complete the quote correctly drink and move.

Other Rules

Here are some other random rules.

• Everything that you hear in True American is a lie.
• When a player finishes their beer, they yell “All trash belongs…” and all other players yell “in the junk yard!” at which point empty cans are thrown into a designated receptacle.
• A player may yell “JFK” at any time at which point everyone must yell “FDR” and finish their beer.

So man up, be a True American, and get wasted while avoiding a molten lava floor.

I'm going on an adventure!!

Mind one.

Now that track is over and school is out, I'll regale you with a fine tale of my greater track experiences. This could get confusing, but do try to follow along. The following tale takes place at a home meet, earlier in the season.

Being the bad ass that I am, I decided that only doing two events in track is perfectly okay, and not at all lazy or slacker like. Even if one event is high jump, and all I want to do is whale jump on the mats all day long. I also did the three hundred hurdles, which more than makes up for my laziness, and the rest of the team. That race is the devil. No, not the devil. More like the devil hopped up on redbull and coffee with a porcupine up his ass. It sucks. But I had friends to suffer with me! Yay! Also known as "The hurdle buddies". Batesy, badger, and nubsie. Sadly, I actually call them these names, I didn't just make them up right now to preserve their identities. (I just laughed out loud because identities has the word tities in it, which is a misspelling of titties. and way too much coffee could be involved.) Anyway, you know how there is that one person in every group that is so up tight that they can barely be seen amongst the peasants, they obsess over their grades, homework is gone over with a fine tooth comb, and test day might as well be a nuclear bomb threat. If you can't think of this person, you are probably them, and you're probably not reading this because you're off doing prep work for next year. In the hurdle buddies, this was nubsie. (I love nubsie, don't get the wrong idea that I'm hating on her here.) Then you have badger, who is literally a six foot something walking, talking, hurdling, asshat. Don't get me wrong, this kid is my amigo, and that's probably because I'm an asshat too. Badger really likes to push nubsie's buttons, and watch her freak out. The third hurdle buddie is also a state champion in hurdles. Batsey is one of those people that works all freaking day long at something, and it's bad on your self esteem to be around her because then you start to doubt your slacker ways. (Chances are if you're like me, you get over it pretty fast and accept that slacking is okay.)
Anyways, at this home meet there was this guy here from an opposing school, who just happened to be a freaking high jump god. And nubsie found him to be most pleasing to the eyes. And I like to annoy nubsie. So we are wandering around trying to find batesy to start warming up for the hurdles because our coach thinks you need to warm up for a freaking hour before your race. Yeah, I'm looking at you Jacobs. Anyway, attractive high jump guy is walking past me and nubs, and I take the opportunity to flail my blanket out behind me, skip into the air, and scream at the top of my lungs. "I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!" 



And nubs, just freaks the crap out. She turned so red, aliens that were about to attack earth aborted their mission because they thought we had fired up a high tech laser. And she just turns, and dives away from me, then takes off doing that awkward run-walk-shuffle thing that you do when you want to get away from something, but don't want to look suspicious. And she sort of hunched over, like she thought that if she got low to the ground, he wouldn't notice that we were walking together.




And then she dives behind the track shed kinda like this.


I turn and look at the guy, and he is standing there like a hurricane survivor or some shit. All wide eyed, and then he just gives me this awkward half smile, and sits down right where he was. Like maybe I had traumatized him so badly he couldn't carry on.




And that's how I broke nubsie.