Mind Two:
Remember a couple years ago, when 50 Shades of Grey came out and everyone was obsessed with it? I never read it. But now Mind One has given me access to her kindle because she's a good friend and has convinced me to read the trilogy. So far, I am not impressed and I'm not even finished with the first book. Now since this book is a couple years old, I am sure someone out there has already given it a bad review, but since the movie is about to come out, I feel I should just go ahead and point out all the things wrong with this book.
Book 1.
1. "Inner goddess". If Anastasia Steele says this word one more time, I will scream. "Inner goddess" is not a real thing. Hate to tell you this, Miss Steele, but that inner goddess voice probably just means your crazy.
2. I had a teacher in high school named Mrs. Steele. It really freaks me out when Christian Grey calls Ana that.
3. What about the part where she freaks out about birth control? Why does she need to obsess over it so much? If you forget to take the pill, just take it when you remember and wear a condom for a couple days. Set a fucking reminder on your phone if it is really that difficult for you.
4. How does Ana know this is actually the best sex of her life? She has NO experience. Like, not even hand stuff. Nothing. She's barely ever been kissed and now all of a sudden she's a submissive? Ok, well most people like to start small but whatever Ana. Go ahead and set unrealistic expectations for every girl ever. Because most first times are not that good. And no one waits till they are 22 to lose their virginity anymore. This isn't 1912.
5. Does this book have a plot line? Because I hate to tell you this E.L James, but having sex in every place you can imagine is not a plot line.
6. Oh my Lord I HATE Anastasia Steele. First of all, that is an awful name. Horrible. Does the author of this book realize that when you write your own book, you are allowed to choose literally any name in the world? And out of all the names, she chose Anastasia? That's the name of a friggin' kids movie. And second, Ana is dumber than a box of nails. Do not ask Christian to beat the living shit out of you and then go off crying when he does, you dumb slut.
7. Christian Grey is extremely controlling and creepy. If a man ever tried to tell me what to eat and when to eat and how many times a week I should be exercising, I would be gone so fast. And what about the part where he just casually breaks into her apartment, and is there waiting for her when she gets home? Does Ana ever question this? No, because she is a dumb slut.
"Christian, why the hell are you in my apartment? I never gave you a key."
"Because I am creepy as all hell, Ana. I just had to see you, so I just broke in here. Let's pretend it's romantic."
"Ok, Christian. It's romantic and we can have sex now."
*Not a quote from the actual book.
6. Oh my Lord I HATE Anastasia Steele. First of all, that is an awful name. Horrible. Does the author of this book realize that when you write your own book, you are allowed to choose literally any name in the world? And out of all the names, she chose Anastasia? That's the name of a friggin' kids movie. And second, Ana is dumber than a box of nails. Do not ask Christian to beat the living shit out of you and then go off crying when he does, you dumb slut.
7. Christian Grey is extremely controlling and creepy. If a man ever tried to tell me what to eat and when to eat and how many times a week I should be exercising, I would be gone so fast. And what about the part where he just casually breaks into her apartment, and is there waiting for her when she gets home? Does Ana ever question this? No, because she is a dumb slut.
"Christian, why the hell are you in my apartment? I never gave you a key."
"Because I am creepy as all hell, Ana. I just had to see you, so I just broke in here. Let's pretend it's romantic."
"Ok, Christian. It's romantic and we can have sex now."
*Not a quote from the actual book.
8. Ok Ana. Please stop calling him Fifty. I realize he is 50 shades of fucked up, but that's not exactly a good pet name. And why would you want to be reminded of that anyway?
Book 2.
(0.5-the in-between of the first two books). Ok. So it's totally cool to let someone beat the shit out of you, to physically ask for that, and then run off crying like a little bitch? Wow. Great main character. And 5 days? You really can't go five days without him? And you have all of a sudden stopped eating? Ana, you dumb slut. You left him. Because you can't handle what you asked for. And now your gonna whine about it? I hate Ana so much.
1. Oh my God, Does this book have a plot line? Are my eyes deceiving me? There's like, an actual story developing here. A creepy ex trying to kill Ana? This is a story I can get behind.
2. Oh, we're back to sex in weird places. (The pool table. Really. Really for real.)
3. Ooh, more almost plot line. Ana almost gets killed! But then it just sort of dissolves. Balls.
4. I learned that this started out as Twilight fanfiction. Now I understand why the writing is so fucking awful. Pretty sure my high school essays were better written than this book.
5. Leila (the girl who almost killed Ana) is my new favorite character. Can we go back to her please?
6. Ana almost gets killed by Christian's creepy ex-sub and now Christian wants to marry Ana? Talk about an inappropriate stress reaction.
8. Are you kidding me? Ana is frickin pissed at you Christian and now you want to have sex with her? Sex is not the answer to everything, Try talking for once.
7. Even the emails aren't funny anymore. It's more like Christian being a whiny, needy, little bitch and Ana getting frustrated.
8. YOU DO NOT ASK A GIRL TO MARRY YOU OVER AN EMAIL. OH MY GOD. CHRISTIAN. PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.
9. How is it that so many guys are in love with Ana, one of the most dull, boring, flat characters I have ever heard of, and I am still single?
10. WE GET IT. YOUR IN LOVE WITH CHRISTIAN GREY. CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.
Book 2.
(0.5-the in-between of the first two books). Ok. So it's totally cool to let someone beat the shit out of you, to physically ask for that, and then run off crying like a little bitch? Wow. Great main character. And 5 days? You really can't go five days without him? And you have all of a sudden stopped eating? Ana, you dumb slut. You left him. Because you can't handle what you asked for. And now your gonna whine about it? I hate Ana so much.
1. Oh my God, Does this book have a plot line? Are my eyes deceiving me? There's like, an actual story developing here. A creepy ex trying to kill Ana? This is a story I can get behind.
2. Oh, we're back to sex in weird places. (The pool table. Really. Really for real.)
3. Ooh, more almost plot line. Ana almost gets killed! But then it just sort of dissolves. Balls.
4. I learned that this started out as Twilight fanfiction. Now I understand why the writing is so fucking awful. Pretty sure my high school essays were better written than this book.
5. Leila (the girl who almost killed Ana) is my new favorite character. Can we go back to her please?
6. Ana almost gets killed by Christian's creepy ex-sub and now Christian wants to marry Ana? Talk about an inappropriate stress reaction.
8. Are you kidding me? Ana is frickin pissed at you Christian and now you want to have sex with her? Sex is not the answer to everything, Try talking for once.
7. Even the emails aren't funny anymore. It's more like Christian being a whiny, needy, little bitch and Ana getting frustrated.
8. YOU DO NOT ASK A GIRL TO MARRY YOU OVER AN EMAIL. OH MY GOD. CHRISTIAN. PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.
9. How is it that so many guys are in love with Ana, one of the most dull, boring, flat characters I have ever heard of, and I am still single?
10. WE GET IT. YOUR IN LOVE WITH CHRISTIAN GREY. CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.
11. Oh, I see. Having a fucked up boyfriend isn't enough. Gotta go ahead and throw a fucked up boss in there too.
12. Hmm. Christian goes missing for not even 12 hours and everyone freaks the fuck out. And Ana falls apart. Anyone else seeing any relation to Twilight?
13. So a guy asks you to marry him, no ring, no proper proposal, and you just decide to say yes? Fantastic.
14. Can we move past all this stupid-ass jealousy stuff yet?
15. This book is ten-thousand times mushier than the last one and it's grossing me out.
16. THANK YOU ANA'S PARENTS FOR SAYING IT IS TOO SOON TO GET MARRIED.
17. FINALLY a nice proposal from Christian. Although that part usually comes before the engagement party.
18. Ok seriously the mushiness is making me physically gag. "I love him with all my heart and soul and I like hearts and flowers" Ick.
19. Yay this book is over! Celebration time!
Book 3.
1. Aww fuck. There's another book. Props to E.L James for trying to leave the last book with a cliffhanger.
2. YOU CAN'T DEDICATE A SEX BOOK TO YOUR DAD OMG.
3. Yeah it's real great that you tried to add in some plot with Christian's dark past and all, but you wayyyy over shot it. Seriously nobody has a past that dark and if they do they usually end up in prison.
4. "She is sunshine. She is light . . . She is his." I'm still gagging over here. And just so you know, the proper way to write an ellipses is with a space between every dot, which apparently this author doesn't know.
5. Oh so let's just skip the entire wedding scene. No need to bother with it when you only spend the last half of an entire book talking about it.
6. Oh good. We actually get a couple paragraphs about the wedding.
7. What is with Ana talking about her inner goddess reading? Like, can we just forget about this dumb inner goddess crap?
8. Christian. Women can drive a goddamn jet ski. It's not a tank. There are 3 security people with her, for fucks sake. Let's drop this creepy, overprotective crap, too.
8. "50 Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is billionaire. If he lived in a trailer house, it would be the next episode of Criminal Minds" THANK YOU TO WHOEVER SAID THIS.
9. You know, it's usually really cute when a guy is overprotective and a little jealous, but it mostly just makes me want to yell at Christian.
10. For fucks sake Christian. You need to take a chill pill and let your wife go to the bar with her goddamn best friend.
11. Every time Christian sounds a little bit angry, Ana freaks the fuck out. Her heart is always sinking or dropping into her stomach. That is not the sign of a good relationship. I understand he is concerned for your safety, but if you have security literally right next to you, I actually do not think it matters one bit. Ana would probably be less safe in her own, giant home, where security is not right next to her. Christian, lighten up or I'm gonna start throwing lamps at you.
12. Ok. What is the deal with this Gia chick. Ana. You are married to apparently the hottest gazillionaire on the planet (although he isn't really that attractive in the movie). GIRLS ARE GOING TO LOOK AT HIM. But you married him. That should be enough for you. He gave a ring and apparently reads you his vows all the fucking time, so can we not with the jealousy bullshit. Stop doubting that he loves you.
13. I really hate this book, but I will power through so I can keep telling my devoted readers just how shitty it is.
14. Ladies, I do not think Ana's methods will bring you a man, If I see anyone acting like her or, God forbid, biting their lip, I will come unglued and smack the shit outta you.
15. Ana. Grow a pair and stop apologizing. For. Every. Little. Thing.
16. For the love of God. Someone please how explain how birth control works to Ana. If you have lots of sex while using no form of birth control, your chances of getting pregnant are very, very high. Ana, you dumb slut.
17. Aaaaand of course Christian way over reacts to the pregnancy news. Sorry that sex is all you two have in common and a baby will disrupt that, but unplanned pregnancies happen all the time, especially when your wife is such a dumbass.
18. Can you stop talking about your subconscious? "My subconscious raises a finely plucked brow at me." I literally give no shits about the voices in your head.
19. Ana you are not good at swearing, Perhaps you should leave it to the professionals.
20. Ana you are getting dumber and dumber as the book goes on. If someone calls you asking for ransom, CALL THE GODDAMN POLICE OR FBI OR SOMETHING AND DO NOT DO ANYTHING BY YOURSELF.
Alright I have finally finished all three books. I know my comments have been harsh, so I will leave my readers with a happy note. I am a sucker for a happy ending, and the end of this book was the best part. I am no way recomending this to anyone, because it is torture to get to the end, but the ending was nice and I liked it. For everyone else, that suffered the same way I did, I feel your pain. For those of you that liked this series, talk to Mind One.
12. Hmm. Christian goes missing for not even 12 hours and everyone freaks the fuck out. And Ana falls apart. Anyone else seeing any relation to Twilight?
13. So a guy asks you to marry him, no ring, no proper proposal, and you just decide to say yes? Fantastic.
14. Can we move past all this stupid-ass jealousy stuff yet?
15. This book is ten-thousand times mushier than the last one and it's grossing me out.
16. THANK YOU ANA'S PARENTS FOR SAYING IT IS TOO SOON TO GET MARRIED.
17. FINALLY a nice proposal from Christian. Although that part usually comes before the engagement party.
18. Ok seriously the mushiness is making me physically gag. "I love him with all my heart and soul and I like hearts and flowers" Ick.
19. Yay this book is over! Celebration time!
Book 3.
1. Aww fuck. There's another book. Props to E.L James for trying to leave the last book with a cliffhanger.
2. YOU CAN'T DEDICATE A SEX BOOK TO YOUR DAD OMG.
3. Yeah it's real great that you tried to add in some plot with Christian's dark past and all, but you wayyyy over shot it. Seriously nobody has a past that dark and if they do they usually end up in prison.
4. "She is sunshine. She is light . . . She is his." I'm still gagging over here. And just so you know, the proper way to write an ellipses is with a space between every dot, which apparently this author doesn't know.
5. Oh so let's just skip the entire wedding scene. No need to bother with it when you only spend the last half of an entire book talking about it.
6. Oh good. We actually get a couple paragraphs about the wedding.
7. What is with Ana talking about her inner goddess reading? Like, can we just forget about this dumb inner goddess crap?
8. Christian. Women can drive a goddamn jet ski. It's not a tank. There are 3 security people with her, for fucks sake. Let's drop this creepy, overprotective crap, too.
8. "50 Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is billionaire. If he lived in a trailer house, it would be the next episode of Criminal Minds" THANK YOU TO WHOEVER SAID THIS.
9. You know, it's usually really cute when a guy is overprotective and a little jealous, but it mostly just makes me want to yell at Christian.
10. For fucks sake Christian. You need to take a chill pill and let your wife go to the bar with her goddamn best friend.
11. Every time Christian sounds a little bit angry, Ana freaks the fuck out. Her heart is always sinking or dropping into her stomach. That is not the sign of a good relationship. I understand he is concerned for your safety, but if you have security literally right next to you, I actually do not think it matters one bit. Ana would probably be less safe in her own, giant home, where security is not right next to her. Christian, lighten up or I'm gonna start throwing lamps at you.
12. Ok. What is the deal with this Gia chick. Ana. You are married to apparently the hottest gazillionaire on the planet (although he isn't really that attractive in the movie). GIRLS ARE GOING TO LOOK AT HIM. But you married him. That should be enough for you. He gave a ring and apparently reads you his vows all the fucking time, so can we not with the jealousy bullshit. Stop doubting that he loves you.
13. I really hate this book, but I will power through so I can keep telling my devoted readers just how shitty it is.
14. Ladies, I do not think Ana's methods will bring you a man, If I see anyone acting like her or, God forbid, biting their lip, I will come unglued and smack the shit outta you.
15. Ana. Grow a pair and stop apologizing. For. Every. Little. Thing.
16. For the love of God. Someone please how explain how birth control works to Ana. If you have lots of sex while using no form of birth control, your chances of getting pregnant are very, very high. Ana, you dumb slut.
17. Aaaaand of course Christian way over reacts to the pregnancy news. Sorry that sex is all you two have in common and a baby will disrupt that, but unplanned pregnancies happen all the time, especially when your wife is such a dumbass.
18. Can you stop talking about your subconscious? "My subconscious raises a finely plucked brow at me." I literally give no shits about the voices in your head.
19. Ana you are not good at swearing, Perhaps you should leave it to the professionals.
20. Ana you are getting dumber and dumber as the book goes on. If someone calls you asking for ransom, CALL THE GODDAMN POLICE OR FBI OR SOMETHING AND DO NOT DO ANYTHING BY YOURSELF.
Alright I have finally finished all three books. I know my comments have been harsh, so I will leave my readers with a happy note. I am a sucker for a happy ending, and the end of this book was the best part. I am no way recomending this to anyone, because it is torture to get to the end, but the ending was nice and I liked it. For everyone else, that suffered the same way I did, I feel your pain. For those of you that liked this series, talk to Mind One.
