So, as many normal people do, I have an extremely rational fear of doctors. (M1. I hate the smell, it makes me tense and irratable. Just the smell.) And their offices. And sick people. But mostly doctors. So when I started feeling sick one night, I just went to bed instead of telling my mom so that she wouldn't take me to the doctor. I was really hoping I could just sleep it off and the next morning I would be ok and go to school like everything was normal.
That's never how it works out. So I got up the next morning and told my mom I couldn't go to school. I had a sore throat and so did my sister. My mom decided that we needed to get tested for strep. If you have never been tested for strep, which I hadn't up until this point, it sucks. It is like the worst test in the entire world, worse than math finals.
So we load up in the car and my sister throws up on the way there, which tells me that this is going to be a great day. When we get to the doctor's office, thankfully there is no line. We fill out a bunch of papers and got into the room. The nurse came in and told me that she was going to now test for strep.
She pulls out the popsicle sticks and cotton swabs and says she will test me first to show my little sister that it isn't that bad. Haha, well I showed her. I have an extremely good gag reflex, so this test is no fun for me. She tells me to stick out my tongue, so I do. She puts the popsicle stick on it and I immediately start gagging. After this she decides to test my sister first.
She finishes her, no problem of course, and then decides to try me again. Well I am also really stubborn, so there is no way I am letting her gag me again. I just can't do it. Just put me on antibiotics and move on.
Well the nurse didn't like this, so she decides to take my sisters test and run it first, then come back. While she is gone, my mom talks to me and convinces me to take the test. The nurse comes back, only it isn't my nurse. This nurse, I can't help but notice, seems to be a lot taller and stronger. Like maybe she wouldn't mind using force to stab my throat with a cotton swab. So I decided this would be a good time to take the test.
So she gets everything ready and I open my mouth and I am practically gagging just looking at this thing. But since I am pretty sure this nurse can take me, I participate. And the popsicle stick gags me again, but she doesn't give up, she just keeps on going with the cotton swab. And as soon as she stabs me in the back of the throat, I start gagging again and I am trying to fight the nurse off.
So I am flailing around like a fish out of water, trying to grab something that will get the cotton swab out of my mouth. And I finally manage to get ahold of the nurses arm. And as I am trying to push her away from my mouth, she is pushing back trying to swab the back of my throat. Which results in her stabbing me in the back of the throat. (Sidenote: Those cotton swabs are not as soft as they look.) And then I finally manage to throw her arm out of my mouth and now my throat feels like it has been stabbed repeatedly by a very dull metal object. My mom asks her if she got it, and she said yes, which is good because there is no way I am ever taking that test ever again.
Mind one.
One time I was in for a strep test, just like mind two. However, in my lifetime, I've taken hundreds of these tests, so I didn't have a fit. The nurse did. When I forgot to mention I had been drinking koolaid and eating red vines and the swab came up blood red. The poor nurse almost shit all over her Dansko's. It was perfect.
